I think I need a diagnosis to accept

I know this may seem silly, like I'm needing some sort of outward validation for what goes on within me, but I still feel like I need it.

My therapist has offered to tell me what she thinks is "going on" for me, as far as diagnosis and such, and up until this point I've asked her not to tell me. I think I was scared of what she was gonna say. But now I feel like I want to know. I feel like I won't truly believe or won't truly accept until I've gotten a confirmed diagnosis. I think because my symptoms are so covert, and because I do tend to lean closer to the DDNOS end of the spectrum, that it's quite easy to talk myself out of having these different parts.

Any thoughts, feedback? Can anyone relate?

Has anyone had a diagnosis and that diagnosis helped them to accept the parts of themselves more?

hey brandic,

I guess i have at times wanted to know, with certainty, that my T doesn't think I'm making this all up, or that this is some fictitious preoccupation. I asked once it a state of blubbery tears, so of course he wasn't going to say anything other than "of course I believe you". He's used the words dissociative disorder very vaguely and resulted in parts feeling validated, but parts screaming "I don't have that".

This is not the same as what you are looking for. I in fact do not want a diagnosis. But in our own way I guess we are both looking for validation from a mental health professional, which isn't too different.

How do you think your parts will feel about it? If you think validated and it will help you then, ask. Maybe you could start to ask your therapist to tell you what she thinks without using diagnostic labels, and if that feels ok and safe, ask her to keep going? And if it doesn't, tell her when you've or your parts have heard enough?

I understand why you want this. It is not silly.

Sam

I know exactly how you feel. I too requested that my therapist with hold my dx. I was very afraid of the answer I totally not ready for it but the more I got into therapy the more I needed to know the dx. When I finally got it it very much helped me accept tho i still have my denile problems I know now I shouldn't or couldn't very much deny the different sides to myself. Accepting it is very hard. This means accepting all of my parts and the unknown horrors in my past. But all in all I am truly am greatful to have my dx.

Thank you both for your responses. They were both very helpful.

I'm thinking of asking my T what she thinks is going on for me when I see her in session today, but I'm not sure I'll get up enough nerve!
X

Without a doubt I needed a DX! My first Therapist JV did not want to do it but I insisted! I needed to know, otherwise I would keep digging myself, but never sure until I got what I thought it was confirmed. My next Therapist confirmed her DX. I feel more at ease. I like to know what I am fighting! Leaving it as some unknown thing drove me nuts!

I am waiting to go into my appointment. I'm nervous and anxious and terrified of what she's gonna say. I want to know. I need to know. I've been seeing her for over three months. Three months is enough time, right? She's seen me switching practically every session lately.

Ugh why is this so hard???

Good luck and/ or I hope it went well!

Sam

Not knowing is hard. Then knowing seems harder for a while. Then knowing is okay.

It will be ok no matter what your therapist says. You are strong. You have made it this far. Why turn back now? Trust me it wont make it any better turning back.

Thank you sam, tylas, and chibixal for your support. Somehow I was able to get the question out in our therapy session. And her answer was yes, that she does think I have DID. This is coming from a therapist who is an expert in the realm of dissociation, so I very much trust her judgment. After an initial wave of relief, and feeling validated, I've been having waves of terror alternating with just pure overwhelming emotional pain. It's a huge reality to swallow and I don't know if I'm ready for it. Then again I don't know if I ever would be ready for it. Will this pain and terror ever subside?