Rant, relationships and lack of understanding

I just need to get this out. I am not familiar with what is triggering to other people or not, so this could trigger. I am so unhappy and I wanted to talk about relationship things with my boyfriend, but we never have the time that feels right. Last time I saw him I guess a bunch of small things made different parts of me get upset. I was already feeling like some parts of me knew this relationship has to stop sometime, but other parts felt I need it for another year or more, because I am so unstable already. Now this last time made more of my parts feel like it's not worth it, but because of them, now I am so upset, the little parts or the ones that get attached. It feels like a no win situation and I get scared to bring it up with a boyfriend because they usually don't understand everything. They treat me like I am going through a phase and they are kind of right, that sometimes if they just wait it out, then in a week or two I will have changed states and want the relationship again. I used to have attachment disorder but I am over it mostly. Now what I have is a dilemma like regular people have, whether to stay or go, but it's complicated because different parts feel different ways, and it's horrible because I rely on my boyfriend for some things in my life, so it's scary to lose that. I am just so, so tired of it all though. I am tired because many of the parts aren't getting what they want. Most of them try so hard to be on their best behavior and deal with the bad with the good, or deal with being bored. Most of them don't know how to express their wants and needs because of past trauma. They will express it only if the other person has shown some understanding and if I think they are receptive. I can't stand when the other person is stressed and my boyfriend has been really stressed lately, and I have little outlet where I can be myself. I don't see my T enough because of the money and travel time, and my boyfriend and all other friends don't understand me. I have one email friend who understands a lot but only has the time for 2 or 3 emails a month. I know I am holding things in too much but I have nowhere safe to be myself. When I am alone I don't know how to let out the different parts so they can play or relax or do what they need to. I want to read more books on this. I don't have a good handle on what my parts are, but then one part comes out where I just have to vent, and then I guess some other little parts that are so unhappy, and I'm afraid of them, that they will ruin things and say things that will hurt other people. It's part of why I am this way, I mean my past and why I split was to avoid hurting other people and making myself hold it in. It's so sad I can't even understand myself and make any parts happy most of the time. I don't want to blame other people if they say something or don't do something and it triggers me to feel bad. I am mad at myself for not wanting to communicate either but it's scary that things could get bad.

That IS a lot sweetie....I second guess myself a lot and feel it hinders me in my daily and relationship life...and I am not DID myself...just mom of one... so I can't possibly understand how it feels with all these different perspectives and emotions each one carries...each fear or hope....it really is a lot and I just have to remind you that you are amazing. You are gifted and intelligent and resourceful and creative...because of this...because you found a way to survive what might have killed someone else....

All of these things you express are normal in the way that most people feel them/experience them too..just maybe not at the volume/insistence that you do. But the advice, i feel, woudl be the same. Try to put the 'worry' away because worry won't change outcome in most cases...it will only make you miss some joy/fun you could have in the day to day... So...try to just enjoy your time with the bf... try to find reasons to smile and grow as a person so that even if it doesn't 'work out' it is still something you can come away with something positive.

Also..I never got this...for a long time I believed love was conditional on my behavior because my folks kind of set it up that way. Alanis Morisette has a great song called "Perfect" that addresses those feelings "if you win, if you smile, if you are perfect - you will have our love" It's probably a trigger and certainly depressing if you listen to it more than once...but it was helpful to feel understood..that I wasn't the only one who felt they had to 'perform' to be loved. HOWEVER - I know better now.

Love...genuine love..is choice making. it isn't 'what do I FEEL like today" but a choice towards the good of another. My husband and I try to be conscientious of our own actions and how they affect the other, and try to look for ways to support one another. Ok..it's not all roses...there are arguments, and misunderstandings and daily life stresses like money....but that's where the choice part comes in. We choose to resolve our differences, to forgive abundantly, and to assure one another that we really meant it when we said for better or Worse....that worse can be challenging... but some people really can 'deal with our dysfunction' as we joke with one another.

Be careful not to assume the worse or you will find evidence to support your fear (you will view his action/inaction/etc as proof that it isn't working...) Instead - look for all that is 'right' about it. All the small things that show things really are ok....

Hope that helps! Lots of hugs your way!