Children of psychopaths (rant!)

Adameil wrote:Could you remove your post? It's not helping, it's hurting us. REMOVE IT.

HopeIsHere wrote:I've asked a moderator to help me remove it

I edited it out for you guys... Even though I rarely think the situation justifies this, it seemed reasonable to edit it in this particular case...

lifelongthing wrote:Click edit and then on the top right over subject it says "delete post". Delete and voilà.

This function disappears after a certain amount of time, I think it's 24 hours or so... Just as a note for everyone's further reference in case you needed to know...

I think it sounds like a very healthy thing that you have managed to cut contact with the parents who caused you so much abuse and hurt. I think it is also very good that you are able to be in touch with that feeling of anger about what they did to you and to be able to express that here. You have every right to feel the way you do about what they did and it is very healthy for you to express these feelings.

In relation to this:

Adameil wrote:Some parts want to sabotage Boss's friendships because they're afraid that our "dad" might go after them and k*ll them or hurt them. Some can't stand having pets (we have two budgies) because they think that our "dad" will come and k*ll them...like he did in the past to our pets.

We have suffered from these types of fears also. It is almost unbearably anxiety provoking to feel like this, I know. We found it helpful to think that every day that passed without these threats being carried out is another day where they proved they won't follow through with hurting your friends or pets etc and is another day that can lead you closer to thinking they probably won't do so. If they haven't carried out this stuff sooner rather than later and you are not seeing them any more, you won't provoke them any further if you are not seeing them, so they have no reason to do these things as much as they do now. Therefore the more days go on without anything bad happening, the more you will know they will be less provoked to control you and less likely to try to do anything like what you have described...

Hi y'all.

To lifelongthing: Thanks! I'm feeling better now. I just got very badly triggered back there...

To Salted lipstick: Thanks for the help! ^^ I got REALLY badly triggered...and just had to do something. Asking to remove the post was my best idea since I couldn't even read it fully...only parts of it and that was enough to make me go haywire! I'm still quite startled but feeling aready better.

Hopeishere remined us so much of our "mom" that I went into panic and did what I thought was best... I'm still afraid and still not trusting. I just want to take some good distance and see what's going on... I guess that we're afraid that our "parents" try to find us from the internet...trying to undermine our healing process and trying to hurt us...

The same day I got triggered by the post, my aunt started to send me messages of my family "missing" me and asking me to give my new cellphone number to my sister... That was all too much!!! Both of my older sisters abused me - they copied our "parents'" behavior and I was the one to blame...ALL THE TIME.

Well I don't know what happened but I gave the number to my sister... She and her ex-mate visited me, everything went fine...no threats or such. Yet I was TERRIBLY afraid of getting beaten by her again!!! She's narcissistic just as our "parents"...and just 5 minutes of time with her makes me feel hurt. She throws her nasty comments at me and her ex-mate doesn't even realize those are hurting us!!! I just NEED to get rid of my WHOLE "FAMILY!" I don't want to talk to them...I don't want to write to them...but the shame is killing me...they hurt and trigger me by their mere presence but I still FEEL SHAME!!! And my aunt isn't helping...she brings in the same, guilt-tripping me...F**K OFFF!!!! I just want...to...surround myself...with safe people...who I know that won't hurt us.



I want to just grab the earth beneath me and cling on to it...to know that I'm here now and safe... I'm not going crazy and I never was crazy... I think that our "parents" still have few gribs on our mind...but I'm trying to break them right now! I want...to...be...left...alone...and in peace!!! The brainswashing and psychological torturing they did...was UNHUMANE. They did their best at trying to make me kill myself...they're monsters. Just monters... NOTHING MORE!!!

I've never been so scared in my entire life... I just want to disappear somewhere where those monsters won't find us... Yeah...still triggered and attacked by a flashback. I gotta deal with this.

Will update when I feel better!

Salted Lipstick: Oh, sorry I wasn't aware of that. Well at least we tried to help

Adameil: I'm glad you're doing at least a little better. I know it's hard - we were on the same road you are now some years ago. It gets easier with every passing day, one step at a time. Just know there are people out there who've been through something similar to what you have and who've come out the other side safer, happier and more stable than ever before. We wish for all of you the same outcome.

- [+]

It will get easier. Hang in there and resist them.

You sound very sure that no contact with them is the best thing for you. If you feel it, it is true. Do your best to make yourself safe from being recontacted by them if you need. If you got triggered and gave your sister your new number, you can always get another one.

Adameil wrote:I just NEED to get rid of my WHOLE "FAMILY!" I don't want to talk to them...I don't want to write to them...but the shame is killing me...they hurt and trigger me by their mere presence but I still FEEL SHAME!!!

I can't tell you how much I relate to this. I have felt that strong pull to need to get rid of my whole family also and their family friends too. Anyone that I feel might be helping my family try to recontact me. I think society and family guilt us into feeling shame. That shame of the pressure that you should love your family and want to see them. Or even if you don't want to see them, that you have some sort of duty to see them. This is not the case. You can choose your relationships. YOU. Not society. Not people trying to make you feel guilt or shame or pressure. Not your family. YOU. YOU are in control and can choose which relationships feel healthy and worth pursuing to you. It is hard to overcome the sense of shame that is peer pressure to see your family. But you should have confidence in your own ability to know what is best for you and to do what is best for you. Anyone making you feel shame hasn't been through your situation and they don't live your life. They can't tell you what is best for you because they don't know what it is like to live in your shoes and to have had to endure the abuse that you have endured.

You can be safe now. You can choose a life for yourself that you want. Yes, it is hard work, but it is the most freeing thing that you will ever experience. You have the ability to create trustworthy support people around you to help and support you to live the life you desire. And if that doesn't include your family, the support people you have will be there for you in your times of need instead.

It is hard to get past the fear that family are trying to track you down. I suffer that too. Just be careful with what types of identifying things you say on the internet and what information about you is available publicly (like making sure your name is not listed in the phonebook, that you aren't listed publicly on the electoral roll etc). I know you are scared, I have been in that place, I still am sometimes, but it will gradually subside as you realise that most of the pressure to recontact your family is coming from within rather than from their actions. You can learn to control what goes on inside for all of your best interests and you will be empowered. I know you have a lot of strength as a person and can do what is best for yourself...

Thinking of you and sending you strength and support.

It gets easier, I know for me, one day, I could breath, really take a deep breath, it was odd, but everything got much lighter. Just mind boggling how much of a physical and mental toll it takes dealing with nut jobs. I wish I could wrap you in a soft blanket, and give you some energy. It's like a battle what you been through.

I still get that fear, especially with coming up trigger holidays, but there is a peace, one that I never thought was possible before. Sending ((safe hugs if wanted)).

Thank you for your post Adameil. I spent a long time feeling alone in the sense that I split because of a sadistic/psychopathic stepparent and I just didn't find many others with this experience online. This has messed with my head in sooo many ways. For one thing, I was 30 years old before I even figured out there are people on this planet who get pleasure out of hurting others and then it hit me what my "mother" really was!!! To call yourself a parent and say you do things out of love and then spend everyday of your life trying to humiliate, hurt and destroy your child is not human. The ways in which this person destroyed me I have to live with everyday. I want to integrate certain parts of myself so bad, I don't need to be fragmented anymore, well thats another post for another day....just want to say thanks again.

Hi y'all!

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate them a lot even though I don't always reply or reply slow.

I'll just make a short update because I'm just sending messages to my aunt (my mother's side) about the no-contact with our "parents"...and that I suffer of panic attacks, insomnia and overall stress from therapy.

This was risky thing to do... My aunt is mostly neutral...she doesn't know (or doesn't remember) that something bad has happened in my past. She doesn't know what kind of monsters our "parents" are. She doesn't knwo I have DID. She only knows tiny things about me... But she is really supportive, helpful and it's nice to spend time with her.

But this goes deeper...is she ready to believe me or will she take the side of my monster "parents"? I want to tell her...as much as I can. As long as I feel safe and secure that she won't snap at us...or start to believe that we're lying. That would be painful blow against our face...

I'll prolly update more sooner or later. Wishes for strength are needed!

Quick edit.

Gonna try and sleep... I'm not sure if my aunt has enough resources of mind to understand my situation... I just want to chase her away from my life...since she will just hurt me. I'm lost and hurt. I just want to escape this all... This is bu***it!!!! She is living in denial...that nothing bad happens and that r*pe is out of question within HER family and relatives...I didn't tell her that part though! No. Would be too much.

It f*cking hurts...

I hate myself, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE....!!!!!!

I WANT TO DIE. I want to kill myself, I want to escape this h*ll hole!!!!! I'm SO ALONE!!!!!! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS, NO ONE CARES, NO ONE WANTS TO HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY BLAME US!!!!!! BLAME, BLAME, BLAME, BLAME!!!!!!!!!!! US, US, US!!!!!!

I'm better off dead, we're better of dead. I want to kill us. I want to kill us. I want this pain to END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THIS PLANET ANYMORE!!!!!! I WANT TO DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING CHANGES!!!!!!! IT JSUT HURTS, HURTS, HURTS!!!!!!

EVERYONE WANTS TO HURT US, BLAME US AND ACCUSE US OF BEING A LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR!!!!!!!

This just keeps on going. We're hurt. We're hurt. We're hurt. What is going on? Can we be helped, can we be fixed? Can we be healed of this pain? It hurrrrrttttsssssssssssssss....!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS TO DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!!!!!1 I WANT TO ESCAPE MY ADOPTIVE RELATIVES, I WANT TO DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS NOT MY HOME, NOT MY HOME, NOT MY PEOPLE, NOT MY COUNTRY!!!!!!!! I WANT TO DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE....

F*ck you. It doesn't help. It just hurts, hurts, hurts. No one understands, no one wants to understand, they want to swipe the lies away, they want to forget and DENY IT!!!!! DENY IT, DENY IT, DENY IT!!!!!!!! I WANT TO DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!!!!! I WANT TO GET BACK HOME!!!!!!! I WANT MY HOME COUNTRY BACK!!!!!!!

*deep exhale*

This helps a bit...I don't want this particular part to hurt us or kill us. I just need to help her... Writing and painting seem to help. I guess that all the stuff that our aunt (not blood related aunt but I call her aunt anyway...) told us yesterday triggered this particular part very badly! I have to be more careful around her and make it clear that there are things we won't be talking about at all.

I hate these nightmare moments and days... When things go so haywire and someone gets so triggered that we can't see no light at all. There is only the darkness and the fear.

I hope that you have more light again soon...