*trigger?* Why do we have to remember?

Ok. So...Protector came out to speak to me about my son...question was simple. Why find out what caused this? Why make any part of him relive the trauma? Why not just go about our lives and adjust to the new parts of the family??

I said this: 1) if he was hurt by someone we still know, I want to protect him from further exposure/harm
2) if he was hurt by anyone...I want justice... (not revenge...but to prevent them hurting anyone else
3) if any of it was by my doing or not doing something - I need to try to make ammends/ask forgiveness as part of his healing

But now that I've had a day to think..I do wonder....if what happened happened so long ago - do we want to open that up? if he is able to be productive and happy...is it necessary to try to change who he is right now?

For those who have found out . . . do you feel better? how?
Thank you for your experience and advice.

That is like looking at an old scar that still hurts and thinking "why do I need to explore this? I'll just leave it be. It's just an arm. I'll wear a shirt long enough to cover it."

With trauma, it's like that old scar still has something under it... splinters, shrapnel, something. It lays there and continues to cause pain and infection.

The scar will always be there either way, and yes, it hurts to open the old wound. But once you open it, remove the foreign object, and then heal it the right way (stitches, ointment for this analogy), it will heal completely and no longer hurt us at all. The scar will just be a reminder that we went through bad things.

It's a bad analogy but the only way I know how to describe it to a singleton.

It is hard to remember. It is so much easier to ignore it or deny it. But when you explore, you learn something about yourself and your past. It heals those old wounds instead of just hiding it. The scars will always be there, but it no longer hurts.

To ashesoflife...so well put. Thank you. Your post has helped me.
Blessings...Sotrsab

I think ashes of life explained it really well...

The only think I'd add in addition, is that although your son may feel happy and ok now, the parts that were traumatised definitely don't feel ok. And although they may be buried now and the trauma dissociated, eventually the feelings associated with that trauma will naturally start to surface as the mind desires to heal from these experiences. That will mean that although he may be feeling ok now, in the future he might start to feel the impact of all of the awful emotions from the things that have happened in the past that the others are holding, they will start to bring it to him and demand attention and to be heard and healed.

It is better for him to be able to get to the parts that hold the trauma and to help them now, because they may even be influencing how he is experiencing life now days. Some parts of us will make us feel that a perfectly safe situation is unsafe and anxiety provoking because of their association with past bad experiences. The more of his current experience that may be tinted by their views from what has happened in the past, the harder it becomes to heal from it. It is better to try to resolve it earlier if possible. Like the scar that has the festering infection underneath, the scar becomes more pronounced and more difficult to heal, the longer it is that you don't open it up and treat the underlying infection....

I really like analogies to help me understand things and that was very well put. I appreciate that you responded and it makes a lot more sense! Maybe I should do this as a new post - but can you tell me...I thought his ISH was stable in our conversations but he is showing great resistance now. (insulting and saying we should not go to the T...keeping my son up at night, and they got into an argument internally that forced two little and the non-verbal one out at different times, each expressing great anxiety about the two 'fighting')

I understand this resistance is because the ISH's main goal is to protect the secrets from being uncovered/unburied...Is there any thing I can say (I like the analogy) but anything else that might help him to calm down? I haven't made him so upset that he has shut me out, but I want to avoid that. I have not pressured for any answers...when the little girl came out and mentioned that she knows (one of the other's 'secrets' but can't tell me or he'll be angry) I just said, "It's ok...you don't have to tell me...maybe one day he will decide he wants to tell me himself." So...trying to take it slow and only acknowledge that there are secrets..not pry to know what they are....

Any way I should be handling this to help the main alter to not become more angry/violent to everyone else inside??

Thank you!!!!

I don't know if this will help you, but lately my therapist has been working with me to help me learn how to "put on the brakes" when dealing with memories that are getting to be too intense. The idea is to use a variety of skills (grounding, anchoring, anything that helps you to reconnect to the here and now) to disrupt the memory when it begins to get too intense and to orient to the reality that you are currently in a safe place. This is NOT easy at all, however in my experience, struggling with learning to do it is far better than being at the mercy of flashbacks. There are at least two main benefits when you succeed: 1) It makes things a lot less scary to begin to gain some control over the pacing and intensity of the memories, and 2) there seem to be some very good reasons related to neurochemistry for not allowing re-experiencing the memories to exceed a certain intensity. Here is a link to an article on the whole concept: http://www.somatictraumatherapy.com/app ... he-brakes/

Good luck to your son!

I think I am echoing others here, but I guess it is not a matter of "have to" or "don't have to" remember. They do remember. The memories are in there, just blocked off from the one who has done most of the day-to-day living. Whatever little bit I've been able to acknowledge the trauma that other parts have experienced has been extremely healing to them. My T has also used the anology of reopening a wound to clean and heal it properly. It is going to be painful, but the process will give back life and functionality to artes that were basically crippled with pain.

Also, in my case, not remembering came at the price of a partial life. Failure was at trigger, so despite getting my BA from a prestigious school, I've never been willing to risk a challenging job, live up to my potential. I won't try to publish writing that I've been told by several people is publishable. Attachment is a HUGE trigger, so I literally made it so only my H, my own daughter and siblings who are like my children meant enough to me that it mattered if I lost them. And even then, I set up all major relationships in a dynamic where there was no interdependency, where I was needed, but never had a need of my own. Basically, all my relationships were either of a caretaking dynamic or a lie. These are things I did by instinct to not trigger other parts. It was like I lived my life in a fishtank instead of an ocean to be safe, and I did it by instinct without knowing how crippled I was by phobic avoidance of my parts' memories. There is probably not an area of my life that hasn't been affected by it and it is only as I realize how different life can be when others inside are feel safe and acknowledged that I have really started to mourn how alone and cut off we all were, how much pain they have been carrying, etc. I guess I'm saying that the memories themselves, though invisible to me where like chains that kept me bound to certain patterns and choices, that limited my options in life.

I often find myself asking the same question as OP. I've clearly done a very effective job of suppressing the specific memories of what happened. I know the general details, but it is very difficult to remember specific instances.

I used to hold a lot of resentment towards my abuser, but I've tried to out it all behind me and move on. Delving back into the memories is going to make that all very difficult.

My T assures me that the only wY to heal is to rbmember though. Like others have said, it's about processing the memories and emotions rather than continuing to dissociate them.

Very helpful guys - thank you for posting....The Cat's Meow - I am going to devour that link about putting on the brakes - I need it for myself too! My T and I were actually processing some of my past and while I sort of put it on hold - some of the memories don't really care what my schedule is... ha ha... But this will help me when the Little my son has are scared...I can help them remember they are present (you are safe..you are with 'Grandma'...you are here....) one of them was so startled/scared by a noise and I could tell I was losing him...going deeper into himself (I actually worried he might split again!) so I hope to learn some skills there...thank you!

Yakasoku - I can really relate to what you've said and it sounds like you have really come far to be so introspective! What you've said is incredibly honest and open - I appreciate you sharing to help heal others! It makes a lot of sense and the 'partial' life is something my son fears as far as what if he can't get the switching under control...what if he can't resolve whatever has brought them up in the first place....etc. Being able to speak logically to the one who is resisting the most about the potential consequence (long-term) of not dealing with the past....is going to help!

Raoul_duke - I agree....is it important to get finite details to heal?? I suppose we will find out...if you find out something that helps you cope as you move through this, you can drop me a line! That's a happy thought though - that this is something to move THROUGH...not something you will remain in. Good luck!

Agreeing with Ashes and the other folks who said that it is necessary.

I would like to respectfully ask you how you know your son is healthy and happy? I ask this because most people outside my home would think I'm a happy person. In truth, we are rather unhappy, because the happy appearance is a mask we put on-- the entire system. There can be a lot of pain hiding under a smile.