Roommate on parole, I should have known *TRIGGER!*

*Please do not read this post if you will be triggered by graphic descriptions of sexual assault!*

For starters, I feel really guilty. I should have known that my roommate, a former "lifer" prison inmate in California, was capable of hurting me. But I believe in second chances, and never thought he would commit such a brutal act.

Last week, some time late in the evening on Tuesday 5/17/12 or early in the morning Wednesday 5/18/12, I was brutally sexually assaulted. I woke up with a sore back, but didn't think much of it until I caught a glimpse of my back in the steamy mirror. I was very bruised. I went to the hospital to see if I had been drugged and assaulted, as I didn't (and still don't) remember what happened to me. The hospital pretty much said they couldn't do much for me. I went home after lab tests showed that my blood clots normally.

That evening, I passed what looked like semen in my stool, and some blood. The next morning, more blood. My boyfriend took me to the hospital after work, and this time they said they would check me for sexual assault. However, the hospital was out of my home county so they sent me to my local hospital, where a rape kit was done. It was a lot of running around but finally evidence was collected. However, between the assault and the rape kit, I had had two showers and a bath. The semen was gone...

I am sharing this horrible event here because I am already worried that my roommate's defense attorney will use my DID against me. I have NO memory of my sexual assault, though logically the perpetrator was my roommate for a lot of reasons which include, but are not limited to: He is the only other person with a key to the apartment, I heard my bedroom doorknob jiggle in the middle of the night, I was/ am in the process of kicking my roommate out, etc.

I wish I could remember more about the assault, but I don't. I don't know if an alter carries the memories for me or if none of us remembers...

I am scared. My roommate won't be out for three more weeks. I did file a police report, and I think my roommate may be arrested soon. But I am not certain.

This is terrible, but it might not involve your roommate. You have DID. You may have gone out and encountered someone else.

Toast, I am so so sorry. What a truly awful and terrifying experience.

What was this roommate charged with before to make him serve time in prison? I guess Una's right that it wasn't *necessarily* him... Even though it does sound like he would be a good candidate. Why were you trying to get him to move out in the first place?

I'm sorry I wish I had better advice. My heart goes out to you though and I'm so sorry you had to experience something that awful.

Hang in there and please keep us updated.
X Brandic

Toast, I'm so sorry too. I really don't even know what to say. It angers me that this happened to you. It is difficult enough that we have DID but when something like this happens it makes an extremely difficult life even more difficult to bare.

It is my guess (& prayer) that you will find out what happened. Talk with your T. Hopefully an alter will come forward with the answers you need.

Toast, I am so sorry that you have been through this. How are you feeling at the moment? Are you doing anything to look after yourself after this incident? Being kind to yourself, eating well, resting etc? Do you have people in real life that you can talk to and who can support you through this tough time?

I really feel for you, it must have been so awful to wake up to those bruises and to have that bleeding and stuff later... Can you perhaps encourage whatever part experienced this trauma to come out and speak to your therapist? Perhaps then that can help build a picture of what happened and if it was your room mate or some other bastard... I'm so sorry you have gone through more trauma, this should never have happened to you, you deserve to be treated with respect and to not have your body violated in that way.

Toast, I am so sorry. What happened to you was absolutely and atrociously wrong, and I pray this bastard gets justice.

I definitely think that communication and finding out if another part experienced the assault is important right now. While your mind is protecting you by making you forget, it's not a fool proof method. I think we all know what repressed trauma can do to you long term.

Safe hugs, and hugs from my stuffed wolfie.

Hi again folks. I have been away for a while, partly to process all that has happened to me in recent months and partly not to (if that makes sense). To respond, as best I can, to a few comments, questions, and kind words:

I still do not recall many details of my assault, though I have no doubt my roommate was the perpetrator. I saw him in court when I was attempting to prolong my restraining order against him, and he lied about many things. I was also asked by the detective to call my roommate while the detective listened in. My roommate admitted to being in my room, but stopped short of admitting to the assault. He also harassed the realty company for money, even though he skipped out on some rent and damaged the place and left some property when he moved out. I still have a box of that despicable criminal's stuff, and it makes me sick just looking at it. I am still trying to figure out how I can legally get rid of it.

I have since made a few more connections and had some fuzzy memories of my roommate assaulting me, the details of which I won't share here. But let me say again, I have no doubt I've got the right guy.

That being said, because I couldn't (and still can't) "prove" who raped me, the judge didn't grant the extended restraining order. So now my rapist can come up to me and the police can't do a damn thing about it unless he threatens me or hurts me again. I have an advocate, a new therapist, and a lawyer, but I still feel patently unsafe.

My rapist formerly served 19 years in prison as an accomplice to murder, so really he is capable of anything. I had asked him to move out, before the assault, because his sexual advances were really upsetting me. I was worried something really bad might happen, and then it did.

It's funny, I think people with DID (or at least me) are masters at reading people and situations and then just as masterful at squashing down those gut feelings. I know I cannot speak for anyone else, but in my experience this has been very true for me, and I have always equated it with DID.

I am working on better self-care, and though I am not eating super healthfully these days I actually have an OK body image, and I have been getting back into soccer! I also see my new therapist twice a week and though I have lost touch with a ton of friends, I am trying to reach out again.

If my old roommate hurts me again or even kills me, at least I know I am trying to both reach out for help and live my life, at the same time.

And there is a strange positive note to all of this: self-injury is so far from my mind. How could I possibly hurt my body when I don't want anyone else to hurt it, and when I need it to play soccer??

Thanks for the support and understanding. I appreciate each response.

-- Mon Jul 23, 2012 9:18 pm --

Hi again folks. I have been away for a while, partly to process all that has happened to me in recent months and partly not to (if that makes sense). To respond, as best I can, to a few comments, questions, and kind words:

I still do not recall many details of my assault, though I have no doubt my roommate was the perpetrator. I saw him in court when I was attempting to prolong my restraining order against him, and he lied about many things. I was also asked by the detective to call my roommate while the detective listened in. My roommate admitted to being in my room, but stopped short of admitting to the assault. He also harassed the realty company for money, even though he skipped out on some rent and damaged the place and left some property when he moved out. I still have a box of that despicable criminal's stuff, and it makes me sick just looking at it. I am still trying to figure out how I can legally get rid of it.

I have since made a few more connections and had some fuzzy memories of my roommate assaulting me, the details of which I won't share here. But let me say again, I have no doubt I've got the right guy.

That being said, because I couldn't (and still can't) "prove" who raped me, the judge didn't grant the extended restraining order. So now my rapist can come up to me and the police can't do a damn thing about it unless he threatens me or hurts me again. I have an advocate, a new therapist, and a lawyer, but I still feel patently unsafe.

My rapist formerly served 19 years in prison as an accomplice to murder, so really he is capable of anything. I had asked him to move out, before the assault, because his sexual advances were really upsetting me. I was worried something really bad might happen, and then it did.

It's funny, I think people with DID (or at least me) are masters at reading people and situations and then just as masterful at squashing down those gut feelings. I know I cannot speak for anyone else, but in my experience this has been very true for me, and I have always equated it with DID.

I am working on better self-care, and though I am not eating super healthfully these days I actually have an OK body image, and I have been getting back into soccer! I also see my new therapist twice a week and though I have lost touch with a ton of friends, I am trying to reach out again.

If my old roommate hurts me again or even kills me, at least I know I am trying to both reach out for help and live my life, at the same time.

And there is a strange positive note to all of this: self-injury is so far from my mind. How could I possibly hurt my body when I don't want anyone else to hurt it, and when I need it to play soccer??

Thanks for the support and understanding. I appreciate each response.

Toast, I am very sorry this happened to you, and though I am glad that there has been some resolution, it is unfortunate and very unfair that no true punishment was able to be dealt and that you can't get actual protection. Perhaps you could take out a restraining order against him that way if he gets close to you the police can actually do something? I know you said you had a lawyer, so that's good, perhaps they can help you check out all possible legal actions you can take to protect yourself. Can you talk to your landlord and get your locks changed at least? If you live in an apartment complex, maybe you could even change apartments or something. I'm sure your landlord would be willing to help, and if not, then maybe your lawyer could help find a way for you to go about doing that. Perhaps even get some pepper spray or a taser gun for protection.

Despite all of this, you seem to be doing well and that's great! I'm so happy to hear that you're back into soccer (love it, used to play in high school), and that you have no urge to self harm. By living your life and trying to reach out to others again, you're not letting that scumbag have control over you and that's good as well as brave. I hope that things continue to improve for you, and hopefully that idiot criminal will get caught for something else like shoplifting (I don't want him to hurt more people, I just want him to be put away and I bet you do too). -hugs if wanted-

Toast wrote:It's funny, I think people with DID (or at least me) are masters at reading people and situations and then just as masterful at squashing down those gut feelings.

Yes, that's exactly what we do. I would have these very unlikely intuitions about people and even about inanimate objects, and wonder "How can I possibly know that? Why am I having these strange and very unwelcome thoughts, feelings, images? Is this paranoia?" And I would dismiss and disregard my intuitions, just as my parents always did. Then events would unfold and prove that my intuitions were accurate. And I would dissociate my terror and rage and do a number on myself to forget the whole experience, which allowed me to feel better but I did not learn what I needed to learn from the experience. More fool me. This is what my parents deliberately, consciously taught me to do. It was all they knew to do for themselves.

Now I am listening to and acting on my instincts, and the results have been wonderful. My instincts tell me not only who is unsafe, but who is safe, and I am growing closer with many safe people and distancing myself from those who are unsafe.

I highly recommend Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear.

Toast, it is wonderful to hear from you again. I remember your story and I am very sorry this assault happened to you, and that you do not feel safer. Situations like this are something many of us fear, and with reason. DID is very common among prison inmates, so he may well have learned to recognize and exploit people who are vulnerable due to their DID. Given this perp's history, a restraining order would make even less difference than usual, because he already is on the police radar. And there is some measure of safety for you in that he knows if anything happens to you he will be the prime suspect. What other steps have you taken to enhance your safety and security?