**Triggers** Connection to FOO, Crisis and Prognosis

I'm torn.

I am still connected to my family of origin. I don't feel like I have a realistic sense of evaluation of these people. Neither parent feels like they were overtly abusive on a regular basis, mostly neglecting, abandoning, emotionally abusive. Actually, I think those things affected us more than the CSA from outsiders...which makes sense. My father lives far away and other than being on my Facebook, I basically have no contact with him. Insiders have recently said one really painful memory is something he did. Well, I say recently, but really they have been trying to get me to listen about it for quite a while. If I cut just him off my Facebook, there will be questions from him and others. So, now I'm wondering, do I just delete my Facebook altogether, with all the photos I post for family members to see how Boo is growing (she is three)? Plus, there is a lot of good stuff I got from him too, before he bailed. So, I feel incredibly guilty about that.

My mom texts me. We occasionally see each other at family functions. I pretend, like we always did, like there is a relationship, but there isn't. That feels safest to me. Making it obvious there is no relationship will cause a backlash from her and others in the family. I have five siblings from her (different dads), three of whom are younger, one of whom is still a minor, four of whom (and two nephews) are living in her house. I lost time the last time I even stopped at her house, a birthday lunch with mom and a younger sibling (that sibling turned 21). I had a car accident, minor, hit and run, and thought it was just a close call, because I kind of came to being honked at and then the guy followed me and I thought it was road rage for cutting him off or something. It was able to be buffed out and he changed his mind about filing a police report or insurance. Seeing, hearing from/about family members is triggering to Poet, who struggles with ***Triggers*** SU and SI. I avoid initiating contact as much as I can.

The oldest sibling (lives with mom) texts and calls on a regular basis, constantly splitting on what it is like to be there. "Mom is trying so hard," or "This house is a mess and chaotic and she is [xyz triggering ways my mom sometimes treats her that I don't know are true, because the story changes later]." Being around or even hearing from anybody in this family activates my denial part very badly and he starts saying none of the stuff my parts say is true or they themselves are a lie. It is a defense against crisis, I guess, with Poet being so vulnerable to them. I also watch my nephews when she can pick up a few hours of work, so I see her about once a week right now. She asks about therapy and stuff (they know I dissociate, because I refuse to drive to my mom's house alone and had to explain, but don't know I have DID). She means well, but is very triggering for me. She had worse stuff from mom than I did, but coped differently, fighting back, so there is also a lot of triggers around her being someone who caused conflict that we got trapped in...all the time.

The younger siblings are like my kids and I feel if I cut them off (which I already have to some extent), I am doing them damage. One of them texted me last night a very triggering thing, because of something horrible that happened with a medical condition, she doesn't feel safe coming to stay here when stuff at home is bad. She is almost 20. It felt like having it rubbed in my face that I've let her down by not being able to be there for her like I used to. She feels betrayed and abandoned, I think. The situation is not one that is fixable and another one where I am caught in the middle of various people I love and feel responsible for and made the best OBJECTIVE decision I could, but it doesn't change that everyone is hurting and seems to expect me to fix it in their favor. So, crisis again. Sitting and writing here so Poet doesn't take us to do bad stuff. We are fuzzy, but it doesn't feel like she can push me out of the way right now, so I think I'm safe and am in contact with my T. She did some very bad stuff with me stuck in an observing mode last year, very close to scary stuff, but so far it seems not to be happening now that she can talk to T about how she feels.

Anyway, I know that I shouldn't be around these people. They put me in crisis on a monthly, if not weekly, basis. Not hospital level crisis all the time (I have never had to go so far), but considering hospital or calling a crisis line level, I guess. I know that treatment prognosis is worse for those who still have contact with "abusers," although I myself feel like that word is an exaggeration (part of my programming). I just can't see my way to cutting off my whole family, even temporarily, and not making things worse. These are not people who will understand if I need space. The best I can do is minimize contact and shrug it off when they ask why I'm out of touch. If I openly isolate myself, prepare for attack. And that seems worse than the way things are now. It's like we're still trapped. And, it's not all bad. I do love them. I love them in the way I always have, which is that I feel responsible for and take care of them, protect them. I don't NEED anything from them, but I don't want them out of my life either. I just want to feel safe for more than a couple days in a row.

Sorry that I always type so much. I know that makes it hard to read.

My family of origin has some similar dynamics. There is a reason I have dissociated identities. I like Cloud and Townsend's book Safe People.

Una - thanks. I guess, yeah, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm this way for a reason...not because I just couldn't deal with the amazingly healthy dynamics in my family growing up.

Funny, my T actually recommended that book to me, way back, before diagnosis. I don't remember what context he brought it up during, but it probably did have something to do with the fam.

Yakusoku,

I don't have much in the way of advice, but I wanted to let you know how much I completely relate. I am in regular contact with my family (probably not as much as you, maybe on a monthly or bi-weekly basis). I, like you, feel that the abuse suffered at home was primarily emotional/psychological. There was no physical abuse, and the SA I did endure came from outside the family (that I know of).

It's hard. It's really really hard. I have my whole family as "friends" on facebook. My facebook is a front. It's not the real "me." It's the "me" I want the world (and my family) to see. And it works. At least for now.

It's hard, because a part of me still feels like I'm playing into the game that they created: acting like everything is "fine" and "normal" and not causing waves. I am the master at being appeasing and making everyone else around me comfortable, including my family. I, like you, have the thought that I will just minimize the contact, but not make an overt show of "I Am Not Talking To You Anymore Because You Are Unhealthy." I wonder, what good would that do? At the same time, I feel as though a part of me (the part that still interacts with the FOO) is living a lie. And until I begin living the "truth", I cannot be truly healed or truly happy. I don't know.. maybe that idea is a myth.

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you, and that I sympathize with your situation. Sorry that i couldn't give better advice.

X Brandic

yakusoku wrote:Funny, my T actually recommended that book to me, way back, before diagnosis. I don't remember what context he brought it up during, but it probably did have something to do with the fam.

Books about setting and guarding personal boundaries probably should be required reading for anyone who has a major dissociative disorder. Our families of origin typically have poor boundaries and teach their children the same.

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't

One reviewer on Amazon says about this book: "Unsafe people" as defined by the authors are basically those who are selfish or narcissistic. But this is definitely not a book for those who are dealing with REALLY unsafe people- abusers (physical, emotional, verbal, etc.), liars, control freaks, manipulators, treacherous or destructive people, etc." I agree. This book is about recognizing people who hurt you in ordinary ways, by neglecting, criticising, invalidating, etc. Some other books by Cloud and Townsend deal more with extra unsafe people, but concerning outright abusers and predators the best books I have found so far are, respectively, by Patrick Carnes (The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships) and Gavin de Becker (Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift).

Una - funnier still is that you may have picked the exact review that made me choose not to buy that book. Thanks for the other recommendations. I'm too broke to purchase right now, but I've been meaning to get together a list for a library trip. I think the library is triggering to me (or the one that is by me...something about it reminding me of the trapped/enclosed feeling in my mom's house), so I have been avoiding it and almost always buy my books, but it gets a bit expensive!

brandi - Just having others that relate is the number one reason I am here and so valuable to me. I get what you mean about your Facebook being a front. There are times when I've had in my head to post something about how I'm doing and realize that's just not ever possible. That's why I have places like this and other forums I participate in. Appeasing and taking care of others is also a major role for me. In my family, I pretty much play the role for others that T plays for me. It almost seems like I am an attachment figure not only for some of my younger siblings, but one of the older ones as well. I am a safe base for people. Ironically, while DID has severely compromised my functionality it has also allowed me to be more "stable" than other family members. I think a lot of that is only certain parts are really relegated to dealing with them and also to containing Poet and others who get triggered. So, mostly they deal with sarcastic, detached parts or CT, whose job is just to take care of others, to intuit their needs and help get them met, both inside and out.

Yes, it does feel like living a lie at times. I don't know whether living in the truth would make me happier, but I think from my perspective, ideally, where people are no longer actually abusive or threatening to me (i.e. good boundaries would make things safe enough), I would be able to acknowledge having been wronged, really connect to the anger and grief others have about it without having to confront them in a way that would cause hurt to others (one of my biggest fears is becoming someone who hurts others)...but, I don't know how I can go through my life, even if I could forgive the bad stuff, pretending a connection to some of these people that will just never exist, because it was never even created or was so badly damaged by them. I don't even want to want a connection with them. I guess I want to want to want it. Maybe that's how far out it goes. Or maybe I want to care that I wanted it at one time, by insinct, by nature of the species, and didn't have it. I just...don't.

I was wondering if anyone knew a book similar to Safe People, but from a less religious standpoint. I love the idea, but the preaching began to grate on my nerves very quickly, so I'm a bit reluctant to buy it or share it with Gwen, as I'm an Atheist and she's Pagan. If it were just the occasional references to God,I wouldn't mind, but it's obviously a central point of the book.

So, any other books on exploitative relationships anyone has read?

A similar book I found helpful that does not have a heavy Christian approach is Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine. The co-dependency literature addresses boundaries; see especially books by Pia Mellody or Melody Beattie.