Becoming vacant..?

I'm wondering if anyone can relate.

Last night I was talking with my partner, when I got overwhelmed by the conversation. I got triggered, and I "turned off." It's like, I go inside but no one takes my place. There is no one home. The body is vacant. We just lay there, in a dissociated state, unable to move or talk. My partner was asking me all these questions, trying to get me to talk (maybe to distract me), but all I could do was just lie there completely frozen and unresponsive.

Does this happen to anyone else? That you sort of "shut off" and no part is really there? Or maybe I just think no part is there but in actuality there's a very shut down part there instead...? I really just don't know.

I have had experiences like this while in sessions with my therapist. I don't know if there have been other times. Eg, what happens when I lose time and don't notice when I come to? Do I usually just sit there, blank?

I have seen my husband go blank during an intense conversation with me when I am demanding a response from him. This has happened more than once. Usually soon after that, unless I rouse him, he goes to sleep and when he wakes up he is disoriented. He does not remember we were in the middle of a conversation, and he is confused to find himself sitting on the couch. He does not have a dissociative disorder but this seems to be a dissociative defense. From what I have read, it seems to be fairly common for married men to fall asleep like this during exceptionally emotionally painful conversation with their wives.

Sorry let me clarify. "I'm" not the one who is vacant, or my mind, but rather it's my body that's vacant. I am still very much aware of what's going on, I'm just watching from inside - which is the same as when I'm watching as another part of me is in control. The difference is, I'm inside and I'm watching, but rather than watching another part of me, I'm watching no one being there. No one is "occupying the body" so to speak.

Una, I don't lose time, and I also don't become sleepy, confused, or disoriented when this happens. I am in a hyper aware state usually (since I was triggered after all), it's just I can't control my body. I am watching my body being shut down and lifeless, while I myself aren't feeling shut down at all.

I'm glad you clarified what you meant because my first thought was: trance. But my experience of trance, as you know, is when I shut down WITH the body, I don't stay hyper alert in the background like you seem to describe. It may be important to try and work out what may have triggered this dissociation... what made it so that the body needed to completely freeze? Perhaps you can ask your partner if she remembers anything particularly being on TV just before you "went". Perhaps your body is remembering something that you're not quite clued up on yet?

Bourbon xx

Well, I remember the conversation very clearly. We were getting ready for bed, and I was telling her how I really need to organize my office and my desk and my bills. Then I began talking about all the hospital bills I owe, and that's when the overwhelm and dissociation came. Usually talk of money triggers me for some reason :/.

Right okay. May be worth trying to pinpoint why money talks are a dissociative trigger for you. They probably are worrisome for almost everyone but not to the point where you completely dissociate from your body? p.s. I'm on chat if you want to er... chat !

brandic wrote:Does this happen to anyone else? That you sort of "shut off" and no parts really there?

This has absolutely happened to me, exactly as you described. Only after I realized that I had DID did I know what it was for me: dissociation, without switching.

A couple years ago I got triggered by a visit from my sister. I'd been estranged from her for twenty years but she had been trying to reconnect. I knew it was risky having her stay in my home, she is in incredible denial, but she's a good person and I love her. She and a roommate and I went to a restaurant and her pontificating blather, modeled from our mother, got to me.

On the surface, it was a pleasant dinner but I wanted to escape like crazy, so I just felt myself going away. I went inside and the noise and sounds and lights of the restaurant were a distance away. My eyes would move, I was still watching but from a quiet, calmer place. The two kept asking me questions and then "are you all right?" So I would go back, answer something reasonable, then return inside. They kept trying to engage me, so when I heard them calling my name I'd come back and be a little unpleasant. They finally gave up.

I had no idea then it was dissociation but it wasn't new to me. I'd done this in more neutral situations, at boring meetings or presentations, in a theater where I didn't feel like watching the movie, on a train or plane if I were stuck near people talking who bugged me. I think I learned how to leave a minimal shell of me there to change the facial expression periodically so I wouldn't look like a zombie and alert anyone. For me, being able to do that was a gift but I don't have it anymore. But I loved being able to go vapid, vacant.

I have memories of doing it as a child, when I needed to escape my body. When my mother would hurt a younger sibling, she would push me into the basement so I couldn't stop her. My body became very cold, so I would dissociate and fly out of my body, leaving just enough awareness there to respond quickly if, say, she opened the door. The self-assigned job of me as an alter was protecting my little sister, so I couldn't switch. I had to be 'ready' just in case but it was too cold to stay in the body.

Most discussions about money owed to me trigger me, not money I owe. Also anything to do with officialdom, taxes, filling out forms online, legal papers, etc. At least I'm beginning to make distinctions about what the quality of something is that triggers. So for a while, I thought any kind of paperwork did that but evidence showed that wasn't true so I'm honing down the specific element that is the trigger. I have no doubt a nasty memory lies behind that, and virtually all triggers.

Brandic, as another dissociative, but non DID person, I find it really interesting that you mention this, because I experience something very similar, which is very much a "going inside" experience. It is a step less extreme than what you experienced, because with a great deal of effort I can generally get myself back into my body, however I have found that if I try to force it, I will very often immediately go into a body memory state. I am almost always alone when it happens and have come to the conclusion that usually it is better to just let whatever process is going on ride itself out.

If I switch into an alter, I usually either get pushed into autopilot, or I lose time.
Though on some occasions, I am simply dissociated without switching, as others described...
I am so far away, so completely lost.
Just...foggy. Cant hear well, but able to do basics.

Yes this has happend to me a few times. Usually when I am deeply depressed or hurt by someone (in other words I'm usually crying my eyes out then suddenly poof no ones home.) My body sits unresponsive and trying to come back is difficult and very disorienting. After arriving back I get very axious and my muscles start to hurt. I usually stay where ever I am and wait it out, but.I remember once I was in a parking lot and it happened. I locked the doors and I could see a few people looking at me as they walked to their cars. It scared me more so it took me twice as long to gain back control.