jealous

I work with a cousin of mine who is just about the same age as I am. She has just gotten married and became pregnant with her second child who is about 8 months old now. Normally I'm not envious of her but it's raining today where I am in California and I was watching her go out to her car in the rain and somehow I felt how she felt in the rain getting ready to go home to her two beautiful kids and husband who loves her. I mostly felt envious of how she feels in the rain-how she can actually feel the rain falling on her skin and smell the newness of eveything being washed away. I fastforwarded to her being in her house on a day like this-being integrated, being functional, living a normal life without mental illness and I became so envious of her. I want that. My senses are messed up so I can't feel anything normally.

Most people are so screwed up without mental illness - I don't feel envious of them, but I do want my chance at it!

That's actually a better way to describe it Tylas-you want your chance. It seems unfair how much better I would be if I didn't have this all as a hinderance. A big huge obstacle that is so thick and always in the way to where I can never meet up to my potential even when I want to. It feels like life has been stolen away.

That's how my sister describes it. She does not have DID, but she says what our parents did resulted in a loss of our potential.

I have done so much and always felt more sane than most.

It was not until I looked into things that I found I am not. I just used other parts of me to keep dealing and driving ahead.

Now I am stuck here and can't do anything but try and fix myself.

It was easier not knowing, but as someone said... let's turn on the TV and ignore life!