I am not in Executive Control afterall

I know this sounds like some science fiction movie, but this is what IS!

Co-Conscious
Watcher and Controller are my own labels but what I am talking about is Co-Consciousness.

Watcher & Controller
Watcher is a label I put on the part that is watching what is going on, and who feels they are in control, but they are not. They are watching the part that is currently in Executive Control. The problem is the watcher and the one in control switch back and forth so quick and so often. If I did not have such good communication in my system, I would only be able to guess at this, but instead I can ask direct questions. The part in Executive Control is far too long to keep saying or writing, instead I think I will call this part the Controller.

Example - Dialog this morning between Core Self and Lil' M

CS - I am so sick today. Did anyone taking over yesterday when it came to eating? Bad, Bad, Bad eating day yesterday. 3 trips to the Chevron for kids. 3 bags of junk food then lasagna at 2am.



Lil' M - Yes, I did, but only partial control. You could watch, but was not able to stop me even if you wanted to.



CS - Can't you just eat what you want inside and feel the same?



Lil' M - I can eat whatever I want inside, but it's not the same. I am sad. You are sad. Eating stuff makes us feel better for a moment. It also numbs feelings. We are all upset because we are forced to be in a social setting Friday. We don't handle this well. It was I that got up at 2am and ate lasagna with milk and corn in it because we could not sleep. I know it makes our body sick, but I can't help it.

CS - Will another part come out and be Controller during this event and I will be Watcher.



Lil' M - Exactly! Now you are starting to understand. Of course we can take over totally as well, but we like you to be there. We don't like to be alone, but we will if we have to. If you force it.



CS - Is there one part that comes out in social settings? If so, who? Is this the same part that comes out whenever we have to interact with others?



Lil' M - Yes. Stephan from level I



CS - So I am male in all social settings? How about even with just one person. Is this also Stephan?

Lil' M - Yes, you are a 12 year old male when you talk to people.



CS - How about when I write, such as an email or a post online or blog. Is that Stephan?



Lil' M - No. It's many parts.



CS - How about in therapy. Who goes? Is it Stephan?



Lil' M - Stephan gets things done. That is his job, but many take over during therapy. Constant changes and switches. We let you watch during therapy.



CS - Have I ever talked to Carroll? I feel like it's me talking sometimes!

Lil' M - No, you have never talked, but many others of us have. You are confused because you are not sure which of us is out and you want to know. We know of course.

CS - Who is the part that Carroll thinks is me? Is that Stephan from level 1?



Lil' M - Yes



CS - I try and figure out who is out and want to tell Carroll. Do I tell him?


Lil' M - No, Stephan does that for you - once YOU figure it out.

CS - Do I talk with anyone outside of the inner world?



Lil' M - No, but you watch.



CS - When I am alone can I do things - are actions mine?



Lil' M - Yes, but it's rare.



CS - I feel I am always talking to those inside instead of just doing things. This makes sense. Jessica was different.



Lil' M - Yes, she was. She was host.



CS - What am I!



Lil' M - Watcher. You are not host nor are you in Executive Control - you are Core Self.



CS - It feels like I am in control, yet not.



Lil' M - Yes, but you are not in control of anything. You are finally aware for the first time since infancy. We protected you. The memories are too much for anyone to handle.



CS - It's like being a ghost in someone's body. I feel I am doing things, but it's not me - right? This is actually how it does feel if I pay attention. I know I am not strong enough to be host yet. I get scared just being Watcher.



Lil' M - We know. You are not ready.



CS - This is hard. I feel like I am going to explode soon. Things are very wrong in my head.

Lil' M - Stop thinking. You are not ready.

http://dx-dissociative-identity-disorder.blogspot.com/

That’s some really good clear dialogue.

tylas wrote:CS - It's like being a ghost in someone's body. I feel you are doing things, but it's not me - right. This is actually how it does feel. I know I am not strong enough to be host yet. I get scared just being Watcher.

Lil' M - We know. You are not ready.

CS - This is hard. I feel like I am going to explode soon. Things are very wrong in my head.

Lil' M - Stop thinking. You are not ready.

Oh, wow! That's just how Katherine feels... And people tell her that, too...
~Rage

Yeah, I am able to ask any part in my system any yes and no questions and they answer best they can. It's wonderful. We had to make our own form of communication, but it been working great! Much of what we try is shut down by system protectors, but yes and no questions seem to be allowed by anyone.


I think our systems have much in common DL.

Core Self Cannot Walk or Talk
My husband is usually around in the mornings to deal with kids, but he had to be at work early today. My youngest son and daughter came into my room wanting a ride to school - and I was so groggy. Odd thing is that Jack and I were up and had been talking for the last couple of hours. I mumbled something that acknowledged I would take them. This mumble is important! Core Self mumbled! Stefan was still inside and Jack who has never been out before this night was with me. We got up and almost collapsed a few times before even getting to our bedroom door. I will call this the wobbles. It sounds just like what Lil' M describes below when she wanted to do the Easter Egg hunt instead of Stephan. It was as if neither of us knew how to walk and our heads were so foggy we could hardly function. Stephan returns and takes over and we are back to normal.


The wobbles are not knowing how to function in the body. Like when I wanted Lil' M to play piano. It's different outside than in. The piano keys felt like giant logs to her. It's hard to learn to be outside.



Weird - Weird - Weird!
So - I talked/mumbled and I don't seem to even know how to walk - the Wobbles! Stephan tells me I have mumbled one other time when he was caught off guard inside and kids woke me up for a ride. It seems the host can be taken off guard and CS can sneak in, but I am not very functional. Stephan gives the kids a ride to school, then goes back to bed. I keep him up - asking questions and curious. He finally gives up on sleep and gets out of bed. Perhaps this is one reason that I avoid people and like to type on my computer all day - it's the only way I can communicate.

March 16th, 2012 - My Sanity

Q & A with Stephan - Current host and ANP

CS - Can Genevieve be host. She eats right. If not why.

Stephan - She cannot handle what I am doing right now. I need to be host.

CS - Okay, but will you eat right?
Stephan - No. I won't diet, won't avoid things with a little corn or milk and won't eat healthy. That is not my job.

CS - What is your job?

Stephan - To protect you.

CS - That involves eating right. Corn and milk make me sick.

Stephan - They do make us sick, but there are more important things to do right now.
CS - What are those? Can't we do both?

Stephan - Your sanity and functionality is where we must focus. You are treading on the edge of those and I can't let you go there.

CS - I feel it.

Stephan - Then you understand.
CS - No. Eating right will help me with those things and it's very important to me.
Stephan - It won't. You always go to the eating problem and avoid the real issues.

CS - Do I have a choice about how we eat?
Stephan - No

CS -

I can write, but I cannot speak or walk. How can I type?
I don't know, but Stephan says I am indeed the one typing,
yet, he says I cannot walk and I could not this morning. Is
he keeping something from me? He says yes. What am I missing?
CS

tylas wrote:I know this sounds like some science fiction movie, but this is what IS!

Co-Conscious
Watcher and Controller are my own labels but what I am talking about is Co-Consciousness.

Watcher & Controller
Watcher is a label I put on the part that is watching what is going on, and who feels they are in control, but they are not. They are watching the part that is currently in Executive Control. The problem is the watcher and the one in control switch back and forth so quick and so often. If I did not have such good communication in my system, I would only be able to guess at this, but instead I can ask direct questions. The part in Executive Control is far too long to keep saying or writing, instead I think I will call this part the Controller.

This sounds quite familiar actually. I think that's how our hosting works. There are always 2 of us co-hosting at least, and always one protector watching and commenting on how crap I am at defending myself etc. I'm going to have a think about this a bit more, and ask some questions. Do you mind if we borrow your labels? They're as good as anything my broken brain could think of

Of course you can.

I would like to hear more of your thoughts on this.