My View

A year ago to this month I began seeing a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. I didn't know what to expect, except that I knew I had a problem. My guess then would have been depression, as those close to me guessed the same. By the end of my 1st meeting with my new psychiatrist he told me he sees symptoms of dissociative disorder. I didnt even know what that was when he told me. I continued to meet with him to "reprogram" my brain... i was skeptical to say the least. Especially considering he kept saying I was so good at the technique he showed me to use to relieve guilt. I didnt know if what he told me to do was even working. I felt nothing and he kept saying its working. At some point I just quit. Like almost everything I started in my life, I quit before making any real improvement. At around the same time I ended up losing my job... one that was to lead me to a great career in hotel management. I haven't worked since. I couldn't muster up the confidence to apply myself... cuz I didnt think I would be able to keep up.

Last week I started my new job. So far it's going well, great in fact. But when I get off work, when im not completely occupied I feel horrible and I have so many emotional shifts I'm getting pretty scared. Any sort of stress really effects me. I dont even feel like going out with my friends anymore, my family... All I really feel like doing is being bymyself alone forever.... without responsibilities, obligations and all that. I know I should see someone. I can't afford it and, although willing, I dont want my loved ones to support me in that way. Im intelligent enough to know that would be less painful for them than seeing me in the ground... But I feel the only reason I live is to keep those around me happy. I'm not happy. I've got such great friends and great family around me too. It doesnt seem to help (enough). I don't even hate my dad who I think is the primary reason for my problems. That is a whole other long, long discussion in itself. The worst part is he doesnt believe any of my mental disabilities. I don't blame him for anything, maybe because he has supported my family so well financially... it would be selfish of me to think my problems are his fault. I really just want to end my life... moreso I don't want to deal with myself... but I CAN'T hurt my family... nor my friends... that scares me more than living the rest of my life feeling as lonely as i feel this very minute.

Wow I kinda went on there.... sorry. I just want to know if anyone feels the same as me. I don't blame anyone or anything that caused the problems I have... is that wrong? Some of my friends who dont know the seriousness of my "awkwardness" often say "just get laid, that's what you need." This brings up another 'problem'... you see im 22 and still a virgin. My friends don't get it cuz they think im an attractive guy... but really it has to do with my morals. you see im very religious (in theory not always action)... and at the top of my list of morals/ethics is sex. In the bible it teaches you that having sex is creating a spiritual bond with a mate. In other words... the 2 become 1. The way the world views sex is... casual. But to me it is a serious matter. Because of that I can't date "normally." It's so hard to explain to a girl that you don't want to go too far... that is so limiting in a modern relationship. So I feel like I'm stuck in a society, maybe a time, I don't belong. Again I'm going on too much about my problems.... I repeat I just want to know if anyone feels the same... or if they agree with me on the issue of sex. I thank those who bothered even reading this far. Hope to hear replies soon.

by the way I wasn't diagnosed with DID... just Dissociative Disorder. He didn't specify which one exactly. But I just read information on DD and I seem to share the same symptoms.

Guest,

It sounds to me like you really need to be in therapy. There is nothing wrong with your views concerning sex. In fact, they are quite admirable (albeit some people may consider them old fashion - but that is just opinion and okay). But i am concerned about some of the other things you are going through.

As for the dissociative disorder. Has you pdoc meant any of your alters? Oten, a dx of DID will not be made until the t meets at least one alter. Until then, they usually dx dissociative disorder NOS, or PSTD.

I can relate to what you said about having to be completely occupied. My t says this is a numbing technique for me. If my brain is not occupied with something, i think...and when i think i feel or don't feel - both can lead to distress for me. So yes, i can relate to that.

It is very common for DIDs to feel guilty and to blame themselves (not others) for everything that happens. Part of how we were brought up - to think of ourselves as somehow bad and deserving of bad things happening (sometimes, i feel guilty for simply existing). Depression and su*c*d*al ideation are also common.

I wish i could say more but to be honest, i am not thinking too clearly myself today. But i wanted to respond because i wanted you to know that someone is listening.

Please continue to come here and post. There is also another very supportive site called NeeDID exchange.

I hope you will reconsider getting back into therapy soon. I wish you all the best.

stolen