I have hurt people/memories/trigger warning

I was writing on another thread and thinking about certain emotions I've been having for a while, that just escape me against my better judgement. Minor incidents that just cause me to want to lash out. Really legit angry. And I rarely feel anger.

Last night I was watching a movie with B and the cat kept bothering me. Just wanted to be cuddled/petted really but I was annoyed. At one point his tail swatted me in the face and I pushed him away very forcefully and said something angry. I know I know it's normal to get annoyed, even angry with an animal sometimes, but I usually hold these things in due to what others would think/just not feeling the anger. The thing about my anger last night is that it felt SO FAMILIAR. Even after the cat went away, I felt so much anger about his even existence.

I am reminded of things I used to do to my little brothers. Intense anger, screaming, violent at times. And only when my mother wasn't home. I am reminded of watching my mother go into a rage when she was home, holding them down and screaming for the "demon" to get out of them when they acted out, and telling me to do it too. None of the memories are very clear...just extremely blurry photographs, or like memories from a dream.

Again, I know it's normal to be angry and annoyed with younger siblings. It's just all the other things that went with it. The fact that it was done in secret. The fact that I was so loving to them sometimes and ready to kill them other times.The fact that I can get so angry that all of a sudden I've pushed away the cat with all my force and yelled curse words at it. My roommates yell at their cats all the time and push them away, but never with the amount of rage I do it. I have to restrain myself from doing worse.
I don't feel much about this except disturbed. I never get angry but am now reminded of how I used to get angry all the time.

dividedtruth89 wrote:I am reminded of watching my mother go into a rage when she was home, holding them down and screaming for the "demon" to get out of them when they acted out, and telling me to do it too

First, the behavior you describe with your brothers occurred when you were an abused child right? Children act out their frustrations on others. It's just a part of childhood. You are not a bad person for not knowing what to do in a helpless situation.

Second, you are now suffering the ramifications of your abusive childhood are you not? Rage, anger, beings easily startled which leads to fight reactions, are all part of a very common problem in adulthood. You said you rarely get angry... maybe if you allow yourself regular anger, the rage won't build up. ( I say this as if it's so easy. I have the same problem). In either case, you feel bad that have rage and anger, and you go to great lengths to try and control it. That, in my opinion, makes you an admirable person. You have a right to have all this anger and rage inside you, but you're a good enough person to recognize that others don't deserve to be the recipient of that rage. I do believe that as therapy begins to really make a difference on a deep level, the rage will begin to slip away...

In the mean time, deep breathing and soothing self-talk are magic.

I really wasn't abused. Maybe what my mom did to my brothers might count as abuse, but noone ever hurt me.

My apologies. I didn't mean to assume

boopsy26 wrote:My apologies. I didn't mean to assume

No problem. I'm sorry I was so blunt.

I feel guilty. I don't know why I have these problems now. I don't know why I can't seem to regulate my emotions better. I feel like I have so many things wrong with me compared to other people. I wish to God I knew what was wrong with me. I wish to God there was a reason for all these problems, some kind of overwhelming trauma that I could say "see, that's the root of it all." I know it sounds awful that I actually wish something bad had happened to me but it's true.

People walk all over me and I smile and nod and say it's okay. Then seeth in my room not sure whether to scream or cry or cut myself. It's just not a good day. A coworker really triggered me at work today and I really let him have it. I don't know whose fault it was, but I am starting to think I overreacted, and I feel aweful. I shouldn't have gotten so angry. I was shaking and almost about to pass out. I didn't know anger could do that to me.

I just want to cry and sleep and never wake up.

DT, this is emotional dysregulation, a common consequence of receiving parenting that was not "good enough". We either repress anger, or explode. As children we have no skills of our own, so we copy our parents. In this way we are taught by out parents to treat our siblings exactly as our parents treat them and us. If our parents are abusive, so are we.

Have you talked to your therapist about anger management skills? Is this included in your treatment plan?

Una+ wrote:Have you talked to your therapist about anger management skills? Is this included in your treatment plan?

LOL I don't think she knows I have an anger problem. I didn't even know I had an anger problem until recently.

I'm so anxious right now I don't know what to do. Thank God I'm not working tomorrow. cutting didn't help. It's exactly one year now since all this started, right after my spring break trip last year that's when it all started. Now it's like it wants to start up again really bad. I really want to take that leftover xanax...I watched a movie with my roommates which could usually calm me down but it hasn't helped.