unknown host

Hello everyone.

Sorry for sounding crazy but here goes:

I haven't been diagnosed with DID but do dissociate regularly. I feel like I have no identity. I'm still trying to work out who I am atm. I have different personalities but thought that was normal. I'm not sure about most of the genders and exact ages. I don’t talk to them and they don’t have names. I am never more than one at any one time. They are just different 'me'. There’s mute little me, the angry and destructive little me, the shy little me, sexual little me, the angry me, the nurturing me, the very powerful dangerous me (although not really me almost like an external source also), the unfeeling and uncaring me, etc. Are these just my personality even though they all can differ so much and change the way I speak and behave? I never know which one is me. Others notice how I behave differently. Just a bit confused.

Are alters personalities?

It seems like none of them are stronger than the other and I don’t feel any sense of my own self. I don’t know which one is most ‘me’. What if you don’t know who the host is?

Can alters have different personality disorders like could one have BPD and another have schizoid personality another have DID and split further?

Thanks

mystic

Your post is very well thought out, in regards to the different "me's," I don't know. I have the same question, I don't know if it would be a dissociative ego state, fragment, or full on alter. I try to treat all of me the same, so as not to invalidate that part. Does it matter if they are full alters or parts of you? Would you treat them any different?

Are alters personalities?

I consider alters part of myself but different. Some have a different set of beliefs, religion, tastes, speech pattern, abilities, etc. than my own, or even what I would even consider as a part of me, but whatever floats their boat. Some are also take more of a 'shadow from the past' form, like a part of myself stuck in a time period, very, very quiet about themselves; I don't know if they are alters, or not, but I try not to pigeon hole myself. um, yeah.

Can alters have different personality disorders like could one have BPD and another have schizoid personality another have DID and split further?

Yes, lots of reasons for that to happen. Trauma, interjects, coping mechanisms, etc.

Hopefully, someone with more knowledge/better social skills will chime in.

Thanks for your reply Borg.

Does it matter if they are full alters or parts of you? Would you treat them any different?

No I dont suppose I would treat them differently.

You don't sound crazy. I agonised over those personal questions for months and months. It sounds like a confusing/frustrating/terrifying place you are in trying to work out all these questions about who you are.

Borg answered the questions you had pretty well. And also made the best point of all: regardless of 'what' they are the need comes with working with them individually.

Thank you Bourbon.

I havent mentioned it in therapy yet Ive just kept saying I'm different people and that I dont know who I am. My therapist hasn't questioned this further. I'll try to work on the different parts myself. I have to say more recently I havent been switching quite so much but I still dont know who I am when Im back to being me.

mystic

I just wanted to touch on the last part of your post, mystic.

I have alters/ personalities/ ego states (I use those words interchangeably but do not know if others do too) that have various personality disorders, challenges, disabilities, gender identity, likes/ dislikes and even gifts. They are all different. I have a few parts with autism spectrum disorders, a few who have BPD (which I find really upsetting) and some struggle to read and write even age-appropriately. Others seem almost "gifted".

Techniques in contacting these hosts is whats important.
Try writing with your left hand

Ask the question with the right, answer with the left.. I found out much about the alters from this perspective. This is not the only way to contact hosts. Its what Ive used to fuse them, that I may get healing..

The strangest thing that first happened? when I fell in love with a girl that liked me. I liked her. However, none of my alters like her. Not at all, they all told me she was unsafe. It was strange when they wrote back " Why didn't you listen to us". That was a very interesting moment "us". I always knew. It was freaky, not because they existed,because I had experienced such long term trauma to have D.I.D. One has a hard time excepting the life that created such a situation...

One of my alters is the sex person. This was me when I was molested at a young age. This personality does not come out. Contact is hard. This personality does not know the outside world.. And this personality does not know the other personalities, this is do to the nature of the crime. So, its possible to have an unknown host.. until you search deeply to find out more...

Thanks Toast and Omnicell

I'll give it a try.



mystic

hi mystic

you don't sound crazy at all. I've always thought of my DID as being different 'me's too. just the way you describe in your post...

mystic dolphin wrote:Are these just my personality even though they all can differ so much and change the way I speak and behave?

Because I've read quite a lot of your posts, I'm going to give my personal opinion on this. I think they are different personalities in you. You often don't have memory of some things you have posted and you certainly have some ways of posting here that are consistent with being one personality or another etc. The different personalities feel differently about things you have said or ways you have acted and express different opinions that are consistent with having different personalities...

mystic dolphin wrote: I never know which one is me. Others notice how I behave differently.

Yes, I can relate. I never know which one is me either...

mystic dolphin wrote:It seems like none of them are stronger than the other and I don’t feel any sense of my own self. I don’t know which one is most ‘me’. What if you don’t know who the host is?

There is nothing wrong with any of this. I don't have a clear host or a sense of self or any parts that seem stronger than the others. I still have a DID diagnosis. It's hard to know what to do when you feel like this but I think it's key just to keep trying to figure things out and to not look to fit into a "mould"... I know my DID sure doesn't fit into any of the standard moulds, it would be easier if it did. Just look inside yourself and you will find your own answers to help you through the healing process.

Thanks Salted. That all makes a lot of sense to me. Sometimes I think I should give my personalities a name so that others know who I am at that time. Sometimes I can be empathetic, others not at all, sometimes little, angry etc,etc. I would find it too confusing giving them a name because of my poor memory.

Thanks again

mystic