our T thinks

Just came from my T and i have alot to think about she said that im trying to seperate myself from my emotiobs and memorys forcing my alters to carry the burden and in time she feels it will make more alters to start showing up.

She says that i seem to be afraied to feel like if i do it'll hurt me or others.
Paige told the T i've been ignoring her and the others and forceing them back every time they try to come out.
Maybe i have i dont know i just dont want to remember it all i didnt like who i was and if i remember who knows all i know is my past is better left an obscure bad dream

That is the point of alters. We separate ourselves and let those parts hold the emotions. If you cannot handle things more parts can split, yes. I rarely feel either - but I also Mother and take care of my alters, no matter what. Maybe I don't want to feel and remember either, but I do know that taking care of those parts is helping.

Are you to the point you are dealing with trauma memory yet? I am not.

Take it slow... it isn't a race.

Very good advice from Tylas and Bourbon. The one thing that's implicit in what they said is don't go backwards. It's very tempting but once you begin to become aware and your alters begin appearing to you and looking for some help and support, speaking generally, it's certainly unkind and not healthy for your system to shut this off. To state the obvious, these are parts of you as a whole and even for people without DID, ignoring large parts of yourself eventually leads to pain and sometimes emotional disaster.

A productive middle ground is to keep interacting with your alters. Ask alters who hold pain to share it in steps as you're ready, not all at once. The problem with "my past is better left an obscure bad dream" is that the bad things that happened are not a bad dream, they're actual. The only reason they can even appear to be obscure is that you've put a huge amount of your emotional and mental energy into suppressing them.

At different times as host, I've squelched my parts and I've given them a lot of freedom. My emotions are overwhelmingly more stable over time when I give them freedom to express themselves. I ask them to be careful not to flood me because I still have to conduct the life, hold a job, etc. When I squelch, at worst I've had completely debilitating depressions, at best I've experienced a sort of dull deadness.