scared

A little brutally honest but here it goes...

For about 15 years (I'm a 34 year old female) I've been occasionally having weird things happen after I've had a few drinks. Okay, wait, I know this isn't an alcohol forum -- not so many drinks that would necessarily render one purely silly, but enough to become, well, relaxed. And firstly, I suspect something really bad happened to me when I was a child, and I have a really sketchy memory. I'm also very quiet and moody, and was at one point taking medication for depression.

The first incident happened when I was about 21, and, okay, admittedly I drank too much that time, but I awoke the next morning naked and my clothes were on the floor beside the bed, sopping wet. My friend whom I was living with at the time told me that I had had a bath with all my clothes on. Horrifying, yes, but it gets worse -- apparently I kept saying in a little girl's voice "play in the bathroom". The next time it happened, about a year later, I peed on my boyfriend's chair. I seemed lucid, he said, and said again in the little girl's voice "play in the bathroom". Obviously I don't remember what I was thinking. Anyway, we went out for another five years so he wasn't as terrified as I was.

Over the years more minor things happened, but last night I had a few glasses of wine and woke up this morning to find I had cooked pesto (boiled spaghetti and everything, no burns thank Christ) and made salmon salad, but most horrifying of all I had paint smeared on my belly and my forearm (I'm a painter). I noticed that I had painted in a sketchbook, horrible senseless smears of brown and red, and an angry-looking pencil scribble. Also, I started painting on a canvas I was saving for a project, just pink streaks all over. Obviously I don't remember any of this and I'm really terrified. What the hell was I thinking? I used to see a shrink but my hours changed at work and he can't accommodate me anymore, so here I am, grasping at straws.

My most pressing questions I guess are:

1. Am I possibly DID?
2. Okay, I may be an alcoholic and I'm dealing with that. I'm fully functional. However, can a drunk person black out and still cook!? I thought blackouts were spent kind of curled up by a toilet or something.
3. Is this terrifying or is it just me?

Thanks for reading,
scared

Sorry, just me again -- just wanted to add that I know I blacked out a few times when I was six or seven, without alcohol, which maybe or may not be obvious. Also when I was about that age I had a vivid hallucination before which I was wide awake: I thought my teacher shouted at me and so I left the classroom.

Also, just wanted to add to Lahl if she's reading that I used the word C*ris* in a totally non-religious frustrated curse-type way, and and I hope I didn't upset you. You seem like a really interesting person and hope you're hanging in there!

scared

Yes, me again, last time: Also wanted to add that I was raped about five years ago, and that memory is very sketchy. The last I really remember was being in the bathroom. My rapist never mentioned if I said "play in the bathroom" or anything. We didn't stay friends after the incident.

Scared

Scared,

Hello. Your question is difficult. I don't think black outs r/t alcohol necessarily mean being wrapped around a toilet. I have a friend who is an alcholic (although he has now been sober for several years), but when he did drink, he used to get in fights, cause all kinds of trouble, wake up in strange places, and not remember any of it. He is not DID and there is no indication that he is.

On the other hand, there is always the possibility that you are. The only way you will probably know if the blackouts are r/t to the booze or not is to quit drinking and see if the 'black out' or time loss still occurs. I know this is easier said than done. It was a horrific struggle for my friend to quit and he was not able to without intense help and the desire to really want to quit.

A criteria of the DMS is that the symptoms of DID occur without the influence of alchohol of drugs.

Not sure if this helps or not, but i wish you the best of luck.

stolen

...thanks for getting back to me. I'm still shaken up but will take your advice. scared

Scared-

I do not have an official diagnosis of DID, but my T is very concerned about "my ability to dissociate". I too black out when drinking. It's weird because, some times I can have several drinks and be just fine. And, other times a couple of glasses of wine and I can't remember a thing. When this first happened I could have sworn some one must have drugged my drink, but i seriously doubt that was the case. Especially, since it's happened again.

I too regress some times to a child like state, according to one witness. And, during that episode there was some statements (really outcries) that would indicate s*xual abuse. Usually, when I'm in that state I loose bladder control, too. It's very, very strange and could just be al*ohol related.... My T says that the al*ohol abuse is my attempt to self-medicate. Hmmm?

I had no memory of my childhood under six years (and very little until about 19 yr) until I started therapy. I now am having some recall, some of it is very painful. Still a lot of blanks in my memory.

I just had to write when I read your post, because it really struck a cord.

HI SCARED,

I CAN SURE RELATE TO WHAT YOU SAID. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HELP, BUT I CAN SHARE WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH.

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC WITH DID. IT'S EASY TO ADMITT I'M AN ALCOHOLIC, I'VE BEEN SOBER 10YRS, THANKS TO AA. THE DID PART STILL UPSETS MY STOMACH. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I'M I LITTLE SCARED TOO.

I BLACKED OUT ALL THE TIME WHEN DRINKING, AND DID ALL KINDS OF CRAZY THINGS. DRINKING SEEMED TO BE THE ONLY WAY I COULD STAND BEING IN MY OWN SKIN. MY DRINKING GOT WORSE. I HAD NO CONTROLL OF IT.

WHEN I SOBERED UP, I STILL HAD BLACKOUTS.( NOT NEAR AS BAD) MY HEAD WAS IN A FOG. I COULDN'T REMEMBER MUCH OF MY PAST, JUST BITS AND PIECES. ENOUGH TO KNOW I WAS SE*UALLY ABUSED. I HAD NO IDEA AT THE TIME HOW BAD IT WAS. AS MY HEAD SLOWLY CLEARED, MY MEMORY STARTED TO COME BACK. IT WAS OVERWHELMING.

I STARTED THERAPY AND WENT TO AA MEETINGS. MY LIFE HAS GOTTEN MUCH, MUCH BETTER. I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ASWERS, BUT I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH ANY PROBLEMS I MAY HAVE. NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER SAY THAT! I'VE FOUND THE ONLY WAY TO GET BETTER, IS TO FACE PROBLEMS HEAD ON. NUMBING THEM DIDN'T WORK, IT JUST MADE THINGS WORSE, AND PROLONGED THE PAIN.

WHEN I NOTICE SOME OF MY BEHAVIOR HADN'T BEEN NORMAL, I STARTED TO WANDER TOO. I HAD STOPPED SEEING A THERAPIST YEARS AGO. I THOUGH I HAD DEALT WITH EVERYTHING, ALL OF MY PAST. MY MOODS WOULD DRASTICLY CHANGE. IT'S LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW WHO I WAS. ONE MINUET I FELT LIKE A SCARED CHILD, ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, THE NEXT MINUET I WAS THIS ANGERY NUT! I WOULD DRESS IN DIFFERENT WAYS, ( A HIPPY, BIKER, KID ETC...) HAVE DIFFERENT INTERESTS AND FEEL COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ABOUT THINGS. AT TIMES IT FELT LIKE I WAS FIGHTING WITH MYSELF, PART OF ME TRYING TO DOMINATE ANOUTHER PART. I WOULD DO THINGS AND HAVE NO MEMORY OF IT. SOUND FAMILIAR? I THOUGHT I WAS GOING NUTS. I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS GOING ON.

I STARTED SEEING A THERAPIST AGAIN. I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT DID, ONLY THE HOLLYWOOD VERSION. I FREAKED!!! IT'S NOT THAT BAD. I FIND JOURNALING REALLY HELPS. AND JUST LIKE YOU, STARTED GETTING TO KNOW OTHERS WITH SIMILAR PROBLEM, TRYING TO FIND SOLUTIONS. HANG IN THERE! YOU'VE ALREADY MADE A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE A SLOOOOW PROCESS, KEEP TRYING, AND THINGS WILL GET BETTER. WE ALL NEED A SHOULDER ONCE IN A WHILE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. :

BENNY

I too am undiagnosed, but after reading these forums, I am having serious questions about my DID status.

I recently had to stop drinking. Drinking had become a way for me to be normal, the only way I could express the emotions of pain...and be able to cry. I'd express fear, and cry in this little girl's voice that's totally unlike my own.

When I decided to stop drinking, I went into a panic where I was spacing in and out so much I couldn't make coherent sentenses. I was also was gripped by a fear, a fear that wouldn't let me sleep. I have NOTHING to be afraid of in real life....but I am very much afraid of the pain inside of me.

I went to the psych emergency ward where a nurse gave me a tentative DID diagnosis.

Looking back, I've had a few clues...

my close friends asked if I was MPD.

I have had very different writings...slanted cursive, upright cursive and even printed writing....all at different times.

I've changed my name at different times, but discarded the names when they didn't feel right anymore.

During the periods when I changed my names, I seem to have very little recall of what happened in that year. For example, in 2003, I'd changed my name to Anna (my mother's name...<shudder>). Thank goodness that phase stopped.

I am going to be seeing a shrink...soon.

i am going to hang out here often.

You are not alone.

((((hugs))))

HI LUCKYSCORPIO,

I'M GLAD YOU POSTED. I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE RELATING WITH OTHERS FACING SOME OF THE SAME PROBLEMS. I'VE TRIED TO HIDE IT FOR SO LONG, NEVER REALLY UNDERSTANDING MYSELF, WHAT I WAS GOING THRU. THANKS FOR SHARING!

BENNY