trying to help a friend

ok, so i'm new to this forum, and really in need of help...

i met a friend of my in treatment a few years ago, she is still really struggling with switching, time loss, and self-harm. she is having a really hard time right now and participating in behaviors that are dangerous and mildly illegal. she lives across the country from me and other than talking to her on the phone and texting, there isn't a lot i can do to help her. but she calls me, and texts me, about doing bad things and engaging is self-harming behaviors. she wants me to help her, but i really don't know how to help her. her constant switching is triggering to me and makes it hard to not lose time myself. and i feel like i'm starting to get mad at her for not helping herself to get better and gain control of her life.

what do i do? as a good friend do i just continue to listen? or am i enabling her by passively listening? i'm getting kinda frustrated and don't know what to do...

thanks

Have you suggested she go to therapy?

yeah, she's been in therapy for years, but her last therapist quit working with her because she was "too difficult" of a case, so right now she doesn't have one, she says there aren't any therapist that both are taking new clients AND take her insurance as well, she says this is the longest time she has ever gone without a therapist, i feel so bad for her...i feel like she is just completely going off the deep end and this is going to end very badly for her...

Take care of yourself first. If you are triggering, it is a sure bet you are not helping her. Tell her you are sorry but engaging with her like this is not healthy for you, then distance yourself from her.

As harsh as it is I agree with Una.

If SHE is triggering you, chances are YOU are triggering her. You two are probably bouncing off each other left right and centre. something needs to give.

I lived with someone for a year who had mental illness. Was experiencing symptoms very similar to mine at that time. One day I had enough. Woke up and walked out. Didn't return. We were triggering each other and we were both getting worse and worse. It wasn't healthy. Everyone had been telling me that for 6 months but it took me a year to listen and understand.

I would be straight. Like I did with my ex housemate. Tell her that you get triggered by her and need to stay focused on your own stuff. Whether you back away altogether, or a little, or a lot... up to you. I cut ties completely. But that was because it was THAT bad a friendship. You can't save her. You can't evne help her if you can't put yourself first.

I know what it is like to get frustrated at someone for not trying to help themselves. I know how it easily pulls you down as well. But I also know how freeing it is to get that weight off your shoulders. You are not responsible for her. She is. Perhaps you saying something as blunt as that will actually make her think: yes, I can't rely on lc1333 for all this crisis help, I need to get some professional help.

This isn't fair on you. I'm sorry, but it isn't.

But I hear you. I know it's hard.

Bourbon

bourbon wrote:If SHE is triggering you, chances are YOU are triggering her. You two are probably bouncing off each other left right and centre.

Exactly. That has been my own experience.

We were triggering each other and we were both getting worse and worse.

^This. It is really hard to stop it from spiraling once it starts.

You are not responsible for her. She is.

^This too.

thanks y'all for the replies...

i hear what y'all have to say, and deep down i know you are right.

after thinking about her all day today, i realize that i am afraid to distance my self from her because i'm afraid she will just think i am now one of the many people that have abandoned her throughout her life. and i love her dearly, i hate to see her suffer. we both went through the same recovery program, i just wish she could apply the skills that were learned while we were there, the program completely changed my life and literally gave me my life back. i want that for her...

In addition to everything else that's been said her (all of which I completely agree with), I also find that many of us tend to have a lot of guilt and fear doing to others what was done to us. Your fear of abandoning her probably has much more to do with your own fear of being abandoned than the reality of your power over her (just my opinion). Either way, some of the most valuable skills we can possibly ever learn is how to properly take care of ourselves. This is not easy, as we were never taught that as children, but stuff like this is a perfect example. Take care of yourself, you deserve being taken care of. Don't sacrifice everything you've fought so hard to accomplish because of some underlying guilt...