imaginative or parts?

Is this what it feels like to have alters or am i just being suggestible?

I realize that lots of times when my t asks me things it feels too confusing to reply. I like to be honest (I being adult, reasonable, help seeking person, who is competent and analytical.) I want to share. I am pretty brave, even when embarrassed. I do not like playing games and wasting time. Okay, but inside i hear:

what do you mean how to i feel, i feel fine, so what if I was abused, it was no ######6 big deal, you don't even know what you are doing AND i feel/hear I'm scared and have a longing to cry or climb into her lap soooo, I don't really feel any of that is okay to share, but saying, well, I find this topic a bit distressful sounds a bit disingenuous so i say, i don't know

and it goes on like this... argh

the mean voice (as I call it) constantly talks, but never takes over

the little part sometimes comes up so close to the surface (she LOVEs t) that she sometimes takes over. Of course all she does is sit there and then I can't talk, or if I do it is in one word answers in a whisper which is totally embarrassing

I also sometimes just become really numb or far away or feel odd like I am a balloon or some other odd sensory effect, sometimes it is like i am there but not there just kind of watching from afar. after reading i realize these are all dissociative things (i get confused between derealization and depersonalization, but i know i do both) and sometimes my t will ask if i went away, but i didn't go away i just changed. Is that the same thing? Cause I feel like i am still there, but it is like a lazy susan and a different part is up close and now adult me is in the back, but when I go away, well, all of me goes away to a bright, nice, floaty place

Do i make any sense? Do you think i have maybe just read too much about DID? I have always talked to myself inside and always had this little part and mean voice, since adolescence at least. But I get confused when i read about ego state and family systems. I don't want to make myself worse by imagining other problems than just abuse. I just feel upset when my t thinks I am gone when i am not really. But then i can't really blame her cause the little part won't talk.

Also is it right that t always wants big part to reassure little part? She seems to think there is a wise part a good mother part. I am a good mom to my kids. Does this mean the adult part of me is supposed to take care of the little part of me? When I am little i can't always find the big part. Is that okay?

Sorry if i sound stupid. I am feeling so confused. I just had some of my sa hx validated by cousin and I am having a hard time staying in adult. I think I am co-con. I don't too often lose time.

I read this and there is so much there. I don't have time to comment on all of it, and even if I did have the time, I doubt I could.

"Also is it right that t always wants big part to reassure little part? She seems to think there is a wise part a good mother part. I am a good mom to my kids. Does this mean the adult part of me is supposed to take care of the little part of me? When I am little i can't always find the big part. Is that okay?"

I can comment on this part. For my system, I am being the mom to the littles. It is working for me. I can't say if that is what your T is suggesting, but I am doing that and it helps. I care for the littles much like I care for my own kids. I am there for them, listen to them, reassure them when they are scared, and keep them safe from harm.

The difficulty you might have is with this... "When I am little i can't always find the big part." I'm never a little. I'm always just me. So being a mom for the littles is a simple thing because I never become them. We are all very separate and so them finding me isn't a problem. I don't know what to tell you on that one. The fact that you become little sounds like a good thing though. That way you know how the little feels without them feeling like a different person.

But yes, being a caring mother figure is a good thing for the littles, at least in my system. It may work for you if you try it.

You express yourself very clearly. Would you be willing to write out your post and share it with your T, and then she could help you and understand you better. It's a practice getting honest and feeling safe enough to be vulnerable. But where safer than with your T? O.k i guess this forum. But if you feel a connection with your T.
Best of luck to you.

With my littles and two inner children I treat them the way I treat my nieces and nephews with love, kindness, respect and understanding and when they do something against the rules I put them in time you the gently in a calm and soft voice talk to them about what they did usually if I have to punish them they don't get their candy money and have to go to bed early my T told me sometimes as the Core I have to take on a parent roll for the littles which I find helpful I have one of my adult male internal beings(alters) act we the father to the littles a very good friend of mine acts we the father for my two inner children
the best advice I can give you is try to come up with some kind of plan with your T that will help with your little and maybe give your little a certain amount of time when they can come out and play
For the littles and two inner cbhildren I have playtime is from 1pm to 4pm on my days off from work on days I work playtime is from noon to 3pm
I hope this is helpful
Gray Wolf(The Core)

Littlevine, I am no expert, just an academic who's finally realized I've had DID all my life. It sounds to me like you do have a dissociative disorder, either DID or DDNOS (dissociated ego states). It does not sound to me like you're making it up and I do not think focusing on it, trying to figure out what it is will create parts, make them more separate or lead to greater problems. If you decide the voices are either alters or ego states, and it turns out that it's the other you didn't pick, that might cause you some confusion for a while.

Because you talk to the voices, I would ask them if they have a name and if so, could you call them that. If they do have a name, that suggests you may have dissociated identities of some kind (DID or DID-like DDNOS). If it turns out you do have a dissociative disorder at all, the sooner you and your T come to an understanding about that the better.

If you've read a lot about DID and some about dissociated ego states, did one or the other seem more similar to what you've experienced? I read several books about DID before everything started showing up in a way that looked exactly like DID. So I couldn't help but wonder whether my mind was somehow just making it all up on the spot from some perverse desire to imitate what I'd read. But when emotions started coming back in a flood that I knew weren't mine, when flashbacks started coming through, I knew I couldn't possibly be making those up. I am co-conscious too and haven't lost any appreciable amount of time since around age 10 so that tended to make me think it couldn't be DID, but that was wrong.

I know how interacting with little parts works in DID. Treat them just as you would any child that age, knowing that their circumstances are unusual because they're in the body of someone older. I give mine attention, kindness, and time to play, meaning time in the body. They also need to know they're safe now, that there are a bunch of older guys around to look after them and reassure them when they get upset. I'm not sure how best to treat littles who are ego states rather than alters, but if you find ego states are more likely, there are others here who can likely make suggestions.