Explaining to T that she is wrong

I get completely frustrated at one recurring theme my therapist brings up. She often makes remarks to me or to the younger ones that now that I am an adult, I am safe or that I can protect them because I now know how to tell between safe people and situations. I think she is totally wrong. I think no one is ever completely safe. You hear all the time about people who were considered kind or "good" people and then the community is shocked because they did something horrible. Even the most discerning people get fooled sometimes and you can never completely trust that other people may not just snap. She also says that because I am older now I can protect myself. I am a 5'3" woman! If some guy out there suddenly grabbed me I would be helpless!

Why does my T keep trying to get me to buy into the lie that I am safe? She is going to get someone hurt! I am not a very discerning person to start with (though she tries to tell me I am, I often find myself surprised by other people's motives) let alone being able to figure out seemingly-normal-turned-abuser people. It makes me frustrated to even have the conversation because it is a waste of good therapy minutes for a ridiculous argument that anyone can ever be safe. I kind of know that other people live with this delusion and that there are some lucky ones who are able to both feel safe and luck out in not getting hurt (I guess people like her). But I am obviously not a lucky one who can avoid the Russian roulette of encountering abusive people, so why try to convince me that the gun will never shoot me? Yes, it would make relating with the outside world easier if I wasn't so distrustful, but it's just a risky lie to tell myself.

DeAnna

But I am obviously not a lucky one who can avoid the Russian roulette of encountering abusive people, so why try to convince me that the gun will never shoot me? Yes, it would make relating with the outside world easier if I wasn't so distrustful, but it's just a risky lie to tell myself.

Maybe, and this is just what I got from it, maybe she is saying that you know that the world is not safe and thus know to protect yourself from it. That you know or are learning to guard yourself from the dangers.

If the world is Russian roulette, you know that it isn't a safe game to play and can protect the younger ones from playing.

Nothing in life is guaranteed, especially not safety. But where as you were once little and had to trust adults, now you are an adult yourself and can trust yourself to make the right decisions.

I don't think what I said makes sense, so sorry if I confused you more.

ashesoflife wrote:If the world is Russian roulette, you know that it isn't a safe game to play and can protect the younger ones from playing.

This is actually my point. I tend to isolate as a protective measure and my T tries to convince me not to. She wants me to trust my intuition more I guess, but I say intuition is a risky method of evaluating safety.

InfinitD wrote:

ashesoflife wrote:If the world is Russian roulette, you know that it isn't a safe game to play and can protect the younger ones from playing.

This is actually my point. I tend to isolate as a protective measure and my T tries to convince me not to. She wants me to trust my intuition more I guess, but I say intuition is a risky method of evaluating safety.

I'm with you on that one. I think the less I go out into the world, the safer I am. And there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. There are times though that you have to venture out. Maybe talk to her about ways you up your protective armor, so to speak.

Well what we believe is what gets played out. I know i received a healing and big time realization of that last year. When asked to complete the sentence of People are____________? I answered abusive. And that is a big reason why i kept having that drawn to me. If you research the law of attraction, Quantum Physics, how the mind works, or even the Bible for that matter, you will see that as a man believess so it is. I believe we all go through hurtful things. I dont believe anyone is exempt. However the majority of the people do not suffer violence. Look at the figures. As I have been able to change my thinking, and way of looking at things, believe me there has been a major shift in my reality. It is still a process. You can also answer, The world is____________. I am____________.
When I asked my daughter to fill in the blank for The World Is__________. She said fun, and believe me the world she lives in is Fun! Blessings.

My first therapist talked frequently about how I was safe now and my reaction was equally negative. It was nothing but talk and in many respects it was #######4. If I were safe I would not be losing time, would not be depersonalizing to such an extent that I was not safe driving, etc.

My second therapist actually helped me improve my safety. We worked out safety plans for driving and various other problem areas in my life. My driving safety plan included making arrangements for other people to drive me places, how to brief them on why I needed to be driven, etc. We wrote a suicide safety plan too, and implementing it included her talking with my husband and giving him a copy of the written plan for him to use.

Well what we believe is what gets played out.

Not to p*ss on you, but I don't buy that.

Just because I believed my Mom wouldn't kill me didn't mean she wouldn't or didn't try. I didn't believe she would kill my pets but she did, over and over again. B*llsh*t.

I can see the belief thing working for singletons, but I have many parts, with many beliefs, some on opposite ends. So which part's belief is actualizing when you believe several different things about the same subject?

She often makes remarks to me or to the younger ones that now that I am an adult, I am safe or that I can protect them because I now know how to tell between safe people and situations.

I understand that, I get so frustrated, I tell them my internal compass is broken, but all I get is lip service. They say, oh, well your aware so you know, but no, awareness isn't sufficient, tools, etc. are.

Maybe talk to her about ways you up your protective armor,

<--This.
Totally agree with Ashes, tools on how to recognize the bad is more important than pretending stuff doesn't happen.

I've been wound up quite often by my T saying that it's important that my young ones can understand that life is different now. On one level I can see her point, my body is not the defenseless, dependent thing it was when I was a young child.

BUT, and it's a big but, my little ones are not going to be convinced that I am a safe carer for them for a long time because I have a long history of parts of me being very harsh and punitive to other parts and it's still easy for me to fall into those places and cause re-wounding and harm.

So whilst there is beginning to be some appreciation that they won't have to go back to quite that reality of dependent vulnerability again, we are a long way from mutual trust internally or of the world.

As for how to explain to your T, I just keep writing down how I feel in my diary when I'm away from her and getting things a bit straighter in my head then I read them to her. Sometimes she backs down on them, eventually and if she understands. Other times we just have to agree to disagree.

Of course we can not control what is done to us as children. Nor can we control others, and i was not talking about control. I made a value judgement as a child that people are cruel. It was true to what happened to me, and a very logical assesment, judgement, fact, belief or what ever you want to call it. What i know is, that value judgement followed me, and played itself out many times in my life. Since i have upgraded my beliefs about people, there has been a major shift in my experience. The truth is the truth, and even if you dont believe it, it is still the truth. Even what we hear is based on what we believe, and how we process what we are hearing, to a certain degree.
Now even though my beliefs have changed about people, i am still learning, and walking out alot of stuff in regards to relationships. I believe i am safe. Do i walk down dark allies at night, no. Do i take needed precautions, listen to my intuition, gather information as needed? Yes.

I think anyone should tell the T when what they're saying isn't accurate for us. For many, it takes a long time and more than words for us to feel safe and able to protect ourselves. And of course the reality is that no one can ever claim to be entirely safe. That's just a fact of the universe.

I do think most of us with DID can state categorically that our lives are SAFER than they were when we were children. If that's true for you, that's what a T should be saying. Regardless of how the host or the adults in a system feel, I do think it's important to help the little feel safe or safer. Many of them underwent terrifying things and just like any child, they need to know that the extreme danger is not present and they're among people who care about them (assuming that's true). We are usually in a safer place once we ecape control of abusers, and we can better protect ourselves as an adult than as a child, even if only marginally.