but I'm too old for a rag doll...

This is a holly hobbie

I had to take some photos etc to therapist to see what acted as a trigger for the blocked out bits, she was on a shelf so I popped her in the bag. Turns out she's a very special dolly, as I remembered where I'd 'disappear' to when it wasn't safe to be me. I'd 'hide' in dolly and put her face down, if she couldn't see 'the bad things' then they didn't happen, when it was safe to 'return' to my body I'd turn her face up and 'return'. I can only talk about 'the bad things' when I'm holding dolly, depending what has come up I can be very protective of her, cuddling her to make her feel safe, hiding her if anyone coming round, putting her to bed with a womble to look after her when I go out etc.

My pastor came round for a catch-up of how the counselling was going...which meant talking about 'the bad things' which I can't do without holding dolly As I'm 38, with a masters degree in theology and the church secretary I was a bit worried he'd be alarmed by my attachment to a rag doll He 'got it', saying it made complete sense for a 6 year old, that I was just comforting the bit of my soul I'd hidden in her so it was safe to return, pretty much what my therapist says but she uses the term 'inner child'. Neither seem concerned that I use 'we' and 'us', meaning dolly & I, when saying what happened. When I draw things neither dolly or I have faces but apparently that'll change with time.

Has anyone else had anything like this?

No I haven't but it makes complete sense to me. You were able to control dolly and what she could see and couldn't see when you were not able to do this for yourself. It doesn't matter if you have a masters, are a president, a billionaire or whatever... if you go through trauma you are going to find a creative way to survive... and your way was pretty rational if you ask me!!

Welcome to the forum.

Bourbon

Thanks My counsellor did point out on Mon I'd drawn a face on dolly for the first time, even if it was a sad face next to 'poor dolly, sad dolly' and for the first time I was holding her facing outwards so she could 'see' my drawing. Which is a big step apparently

Drawing really does help, even if my pictures can be a bit disturbing. For example I've been having quite a lot of low flying chanuke helicopters flying low over my house and I couldn't work out why they were disturbing me so much as I have no problem with the police or coastguard helicopters - I'd been doodling (so not to pick my fingers and calming when agitated ) and found I'd drawn an American fighterjet flying just above house. BINGO - I had an American airbase doing low flying exercises over my house when I was being abused, so the chanuke must have been acting as a trigger. I hadn't put the 2 together, but since I twigged I haven't found them anything like as disturbing

Makes complete sense. I'm glad that recognising the trigger made it feel more manageable. It sounds like you are making progress with your counsellor and she is very aware of the small things and how important they are. This is good.

Bourbon

It sounds like you really made good use of the dolly and your imagination to be able to help you get through the awful trauma that you have been through. It is good that the doll is helping you heal now too. You are never too old to use whatever you need to in order to comfort you and to help you heal. It certainly sounds like you are making some very positive progress...

My counsellor also does a lot of work in primary schools with 'play therapy', presumably with abused, traumatised or 'at risk' children and parent/child sessions. She did say when I started how some of those techniques would be useful, maybe the secret to finding a good child abuse counsellor is finding someone who's clients are mainly under 12

Dolly is learning to face outwards. Usually she is face towards me and being protected, but I let her 'see' the picture I'd drawn the other day for the first time, which is an important step apparently

Dolly has been OK watching 'Big Bang Theory' & 'CSI', though she's not ready for CSI - 'special victims unit' yet...

I have a Wolf he's grey and white. He guards me. If I have my back turned and I'm doing a sand tray at Tawny's then he looks behind me and watches. Or he'll sit next to my chair and watch. But he gets sad sometimes so I hold him to make him feel better. And when I go to work he takes a nap on my bed and I cover him with a blanket and kiss him bye. I like your hollie hobbie, she seems nice. My T works with kids a lot too and has a play therapy room with lots of toys so I agree with you that that's a good thing for people who have had difficult experiences in childhood.

I used to have a holliehobbie board game I didn't know they made a doll, that's super cool.

Yep, dolly gets put to bed when I go out too Sometimes she gets tucked up with womble who is told to look after her. She also get kissed, and I hadn't realised until it was pointed out but when I hold her I hold her hand or rub her feet.

She's not my original Holly Hobbie, but one I got off eBay. My dolls were 'stored' in the garage and went mouldy , the ones which didn't went to my niece without my knowledge - I discovered their fate when I was sent a photo of my niece playing with one of my dollies! Apparently no one thought I'd mind them being given away It didn't occur to anyone that I might have a daughter to pass them to, OK, it's unlikely now, but I was still in my 20's then. You can't really reclaim dollies off a 3 year old...

The only person, other than counsellor, who has seen me with dolly is my pastor, who fortunately 'got it', well he came round to see how counselling was going and I can't talk about 'the bad things' without dolly... Fortunately I know he won't telling anyone

That's okay you know something my wolfie isn't my original wolfie either. I'm sorry you didn't get to keep your stuff. We (my family)were homeless and all our stuff like my dolls and toys and bed and pictures was put in a storage unit but then they didn't pay the bill and it all got sold or thrown away. But I think my Wolfie's spirit is in this new Wolfie who I found at the Goodwill store, and I think your old Holliehobbie's spirit is in your new one

-- Fri Feb 10, 2012 7:14 am --

here's a picture of my wolfie but that's not really him it's just a pic I found online and mine doesn't have a tag on him.