Four Confusing Questions

First question: What is going on!?!?!!?

Twenty parts have acted as Host: Heather, Isabella, Baby Rachel, Hope, Alyssa, Joy, Wicki, Gracie, Jennifer, Lil' M, Madison, Winnie, Genevieve, Stephan, Victor, Glenda, Angel, Jessica, Helga and now Rachel.

Notice that the core self has never been host, but that part appears to be in the background watching now - after sleeping for centuries. The core self was sleeping until November 2011. Jessica went inside and other parts came out as host with the core self listening in the background (I think) It's confusing!

Does this make sense to anyone? How can I (core self) feel like I am in control, yet Rachel claims she is the host and in control. I can't hear her thoughts, but she says she can hear mine. I don't like this arrangement much at all, but at least I am awake. Rachel says the core self cannot handle things inside yet even though I am fine outside. I feel I can handle anything.

Question 2 is about ANP so don't read if that bothers you:
All my ANP's have been Hosts, but not all hosts have been ANP's. The following 7 parts are the Apparently Normal Parts of my system: Wicki, Gracie, Winnie, Genevieve, Glenda, Jessica. The Core Self is also an ANP but that part has yet to ever be host. Oh! That's not really a question! My system just finally figured out who is ANP after reading the haunted self. I did not know still, but Sage, my ISH knew.

Question 3 - What happened to Jessica?
Host for the 2 years prior to November 2011

The core self just watches in the background since November 2011 - similar to watching a movie, but who is also allowed to do certain tasks. Rachel is host and seems to come and go as she pleases. This is what the parts report, however, I feel I (core self) am typing and sending my thoughts to this board and Rachel agrees that I am. I am so confused!

Question 4
Jessica (the part that was host recently) went inside and reported the Gorilla and other animals are horrendously scary. She knows they are child parts, but they still terrify her and are quite capable of hurting her. She has now been locked away by the Gorilla so she cannot communicate with the core self. She is the only part that does not answer me. I would very much like to know what it is like inside! Rachel only allows me to know certain things.

As you can see from a recent post, I'm pretty unaware about why certain things are happening and often how. I only know that certain phenomena are happening. I do like to be able to label them as something, hopefully something others have experienced, so it doesn't feel quite as chaotic or boundless.

For a cluelessness example, until recently it seemed my core Adam had some palsy-like condition. His control of the body was, well, wobbly whether he took over while the body was sitting or at night lying down to sleep. It did seem to be him walking a couple times so I assumed he must be age one or older. I tasked Sphinx with identifying exactly how old he is and over time 8 months came to me (he couldn't just "look it up" apparently). I searched 8-month-olds on YouTube and saw how imperfect the fine motor control is over the body and head at that age. Exactly how the body feels when he's in it. His emotional reaction to seeing these babies also confirmed it. I can be incredibly dense but I have seen that many phenomena that seem perplexing or that I assume are one thing do clear up over time.

Q1. My comments on what I call my core make it clear he's different from what you refer to as your core. There's another core-like entity we've identified and it seems to be the body and/or who we would have been if the abuse hadn't happened. This may also be the future potential (integrated?) person and we know he is somehow tied to two alters specifically. He will be built on them or they will be like an anchor? Per Sphinx, it's something physiological, not psychological. As if some natural and necessary body knowledge is preserved in their alterhood. Such a person did actually appear one night spontaneously and announced himself as an experimental future us. Different from all of us but somehow familiar, like an amalgam maybe. So he could be the thirteenth alter or the future core or the experiment he claimed to be. He selected a very fitting name then went back in. Yes, this is nothing I've read about, yet another phenomenon that doesn't yet make sense, but maybe it will at some point.

Q2. I have learned something from reading about ANPs and EPs, although only a couple alters fit the categories very well. From bios I've read, there are definitely some systems where the ANP/EP distinction seems to fit pretty well and seem useful.

Q3. One day I was pulled deep inside, leaving a planned outing for Jack with an friend difficult for him because I wasn't there to help fill in the blanks. We didn't know what happened then other than "preparations" were going on but I did return 24 hours later. I have my theories on why that was necessary but they're nowhere confirmed yet. We know Sphinx knows and we think someone inside knows all about where Jessica is.

Q4. Like your Rachel, in my system, the Sphinx continues not to clarify certain things though he's much more cooperative than he used to be. Sometimes he says he doesn't know or isn't sure and that may be. But other times we feel he's once again leaving out details. That he has been evasive or given misleading half truths in the past has been confirmed. We don't like it but have to assume he has his reasons.

I too prefer to have a label, to know what I am experiencing is not unique to me. Are your parts growing in age as you heal? Mine sure are! I would be so lost if I had to label my parts. I leave that up to the ISH and System Managers. What I understand the core to be is not an alter. It is more like an essence. I do not have a part that might have been the future me - just parts from my past and present, but it sounds cool.

"I have learned something from reading about ANPs and EPs, although only a couple alters fit the categories very well. From bios I've read, there are definitely some systems where the ANP/EP distinction seems to fit pretty well and seem useful."

Do you have parts that read with you? Parts that are living inside that can help you decided who is ANP and who is EP? I was so relieved when my lead System Manager reported to me who is who, after reading the book the Haunted Self. I would not have had the same answer if I had to guess. Helga, lead system manager found Jessica this morning. The Gorilla and male Snake had locked her up. She is good now. It is frustrating how they hide things from me - I am glad to read I am not the only one. I can ask about the reasons my parts hide things from me - but the bottom line is they are always scared.

As usual JJ we seem to be on the same page.

1: Our core is always fronting in the sense that she's rarely blocked from anything. However, she lives through me (Rage). I exist as a skin to protect her. Basically, while I have my own set of skills and knowledge, she has acess to all of it. When we're together, we feel like me. We act like me. We basically are me (the opposite of what you experience, I guess). She can front as herself, and she can have memories and knowledge I can't. The reason I'm here, though, is to take emotions from her. Basically, I protect her from emotions she couldn't handle so that she doesn't get affected. If I were to leave, for example, most of the negative emotions would go with me. In this way, I keep her safe.

2, 3, and 4: I'm glad you have these solved!
~Rage

Demon Lilith wrote:1: Our core is always fronting in the sense that she's rarely blocked from anything. However, she lives through me (Rage). I exist as a skin to protect her. Basically, while I have my own set of skills and knowledge, she has access to all of it. When we're together, we feel like me. We act like me. We basically are me (the opposite of what you experience, I guess). She can front as herself, and she can have memories and knowledge I can't. The reason I'm here, though, is to take emotions from her. Basically, I protect her from emotions she couldn't handle so that she doesn't get affected. If I were to leave, for example, most of the negative emotions would go with me. In this way, I keep her safe.

2, 3, and 4: I'm glad you have these solved!
~Rage

Rage is like my Rachel! That makes so much sense! Thank you!
Rachel agrees this is how it is.