Triggers

The hints were always there. Part of me always knew.

I remember being in my early 20s and seeing a news story on tv about a woman who was recently found and rescued from captivity. I can't remember her name or anything else to help me look up the story, but I broke down. She had been adopted and her adoptive family abused her for years. I called my mom a few hours after watching it and after I couldn't stop crying. I asked her "how is a person that goes through that suppose to have a normal life?"

Another time in my early 20s I broke down again over a story about a little girl that had been abused and murdered. I fell apart for weeks.

When the stories about Elizabeth Smart and the Duggard girl were on the news I couldn't function.

I always knew something but never what it was.

I slept under my bed.
I ran away from home.
I had so many hiding spots.
I hated people touching me.
I had memories of crying in my room.
I had flashes of my father's face when I was with my husband.
I would watch myself from across the room at various times.
I had panic attacks over simple triggers.
I fell apart when certain songs came on the radio.
I didn't remember my childhood except for the very basics.
Yet the childhood memories I did have, so very few, were hints as to what was really going on.
One of the few childhood memories I had was that at night I flew out my window and played in the stars with my pet unicorn named Purple. The second is when my father would tickle me I would scream and cry and kick while my mother would yell at me to calm down and stop being mean and rude. And that I ran away to live in the trees a lot. And that I had tea parties with imaginary friends that lived with me and kept me safe.

How is it with all of those things on the surface I could forget the rest of it?

I'm falling apart.

Why didn't I tell anyone back then? Why didn't I ask for help? I could have prevented so much pain if I had just told.

ashesoflife wrote:Why didn't I tell anyone back then? Why didn't I ask for help? I could have prevented so much pain if I had just told.

Like so many here, you probably didn't know you needed help. And they were your caregivers, so you needed to see them as loving parents.

I am so sorry for your hurt.

We also fell apart after the Dugard story. Months.

dividedtruth89 wrote:

ashesoflife wrote:Why didn't I tell anyone back then? Why didn't I ask for help? I could have prevented so much pain if I had just told.

Like so many here, you probably didn't know you needed help. And they were your caregivers, so you needed to see them as loving parents.

I am so sorry for your hurt.

Thank you. I just get angry with myself sometimes for going so long with blinders on. I also blame myself for a lot of what went on since 1. I was blammed for it by those that knew about it and 2. I wasn't able to stop it.

Knowing it is faulty thinking is one thing. Believing it is another.

-- Fri Jan 13, 2012 4:32 pm --

InfinitD wrote:We also fell apart after the Dugard story. Months.

When they found her and the story started coming out it was like a bomb went off in my life. I didn't know why it affected me so much then. Tears, pain, black outs.

It was NOT your fault. The abuse for a start and also that you didn't remember it. I didn't either until things started to unravel in my mid 20's. The secrets were so well hidden by the others and i didn't question the indicators that should have sent alarm bells ringing. It was all so "normal"

I used to sleep in the wardrobe at night or with about 10 layers of clothing on
I too used to have many many hiding places, i could get into the tiniest of spaces and stay cramped up in them for hours and hours
I used to run faster than anyone, as much as possible bare footed. I loved nature because it never hurt me
I used to climb up trees
I used to have 2 imaginary friends and we planned to run away together and live happily ever after with a perfect adopted family
I had nightmares and wet the bed at least twice a week
i used to hide soiled knickers because i was too scared to put them in the laundry bin
I used to have bruises that no one could account for
I used to love dancing. I worked from 10 years old so i could pay for my dancing lessons. I remember he used to lock me in my room sometimes when he knew there was a dancing lesson. And i used to jump out of the window and run there even though i knew how much trouble i'd be in when i returned home
I used to eat and vomit. I couldn't keep anything down

When things started to leak out i was very angry and ashamed at myself for not speaking out and for everyone around me for not noticing or "not wanting to notice"

Now i work with small children in a primary school and nursery school. I see how young and innocent they are and how much trust they have for us teachers. I understand how it would be difficult to not say, even if you were aware that bad things were happening.

Big hugs

InfinitD wrote:We also fell apart after the Dugard story. Months.

I always wondered what the big deal was. Of course I know intellectually that it's horrendous, but my feelings are that its not such a big deal. I suppose because that is how I had to feel about my childhood to survive. I did always find it fascinating though how everyone dealt with the situation.

-

skydancer wrote:I used to sleep in the wardrobe at night or with about 10 layers of clothing on

I did that too. Jean and a belt every night.

I too used to have many many hiding places, i could get into the tiniest of spaces and stay cramped up in them for hours and hours

I was a contorsionist. I could fit in anywhere that I could hide. Bugs and things never bothered me either. I would rather face spiders and mice than risk being found.

I used to run faster than anyone, as much as possible bare footed. I loved nature because it never hurt me

I would "go jogging" to build stamina, learn escape routes, and find new places to hide. The neighbors up the street had a big yard with a nice cluster of close together trees.

I used to climb up trees

I did that and would practice jumping out of them too just incase climbing back down the trunk wasn't an option.

I had nightmares and wet the bed at least twice a week

I slept with my blankie and sucked my thumb into my teens. Thing is, I only know that because my mother would tell me I did. I thought I quit when I was little.

I used to have bruises that no one could account for

I got punched in the head because my hair hid the bruises.

I used to eat and vomit. I couldn't keep anything down

Me too. I also would pour just a little in my cup. If I would walk away from it even for a second, I would dump out whatever was left in my glass, rinse it out, and get more water. I think he use to drug me.

When things started to leak out i was very angry and ashamed at myself for not speaking out and for everyone around me for not noticing or "not wanting to notice"

My mom use to make fun of me for the stuff she noticed and used it against me.

She still to this day tells the story of us going shopping when I was a teen and sitting on the floor of the store throwing a temper tantrum for candy. I didn't remember any of it but she delights in telling everyone that will listen how embarrased she was that her 14 yr old daughter acted like a 2 year old, complete with crying, yelling, and throwing myself on the ground.

I can remember walking in the store. I remember being in the car by myself after with tears on my cheeks eating a lollipop, wondering how I got there and where everyone else was. That's it.

My mom noticed but used it to tell everyone such funny stories about what a freak her daughter was... acting immature, angry outburst, sleeping under my bed, finding me hiding outside in the middle of the night, me crying all the time, sleeping fully dressed. It was all so funny to her.

Big hugs

Taken. Thank you!

-- Fri Jan 13, 2012 10:52 pm --

Shattered-Reflection wrote:Don't ever feel bad for it. I'm 25 and only now am I starting to openly admit things. We don't want to admit that the people we trust are not safe. That they hurt us. That we let them do things to us 'because' we trusted and loved them. What is important is that you are now coming to terms. It's important to heal no matter how long it takes to start. The blame isn't yours. Bad people did bad things. We didn't ask for these things to happen. The blame is to those who committed the acts.

Thank you. It helps just to hear it/read it. I'm in my early 30s and just starting to deal with it.

My thoughts are with you, I'm only just starting to remember so I don't know what else to say oother than huge hugs.

Dark xx

ashesoflife wrote:I can remember walking in the store. I remember being in the car by myself after with tears on my cheeks eating a lollipop, wondering how I got there and where everyone else was. That's it.

That makes me so sad

hugs if wanted