What's wrong with this picture

brandic wrote:I know that I shouldn't worry about the "cause," but it does gnaw at me. A part of me has to be able to solve the puzzle...

If it gnaws at you, it is probably important. You need to figure something out about your past.
You wonder about your parents and the problems you had when you were under their care. That is quite valid and important. I also wonder that as well about my past. There seems to have been some neglect or incomprehension on their part.

But maybe the reason you need to know, is not the one you claim. There is no reason to doubt whatever you live now and have to deal now; or in other word, your diagnosis, based only on the causes. What matters is the symptoms. That is what I put into question. You could make up stuff if you want, as long as it makes sense to you. It will not change anything in you getting better. It might actually help, if you have an answer, so you do not have to worry about that. Let psychiatrists bicker about causes and generalizations, that is their job to do that. You don't need that. You just want to heal.

I think I dissociated just after birth, because of how I was treated. Is it objectively true? I don't know. I will never know. But it makes sense to me. I can build my past history around that. That is what matters to me. I don't care what people in Universities might think about it, it is not like if they cared. I could find other causes, but that one is the most meaningful to me. It talks to me.
So I go with that, and too bad for the skeptics. I don't need their validation. I have a whole bunch of traumatic memories that I don't know what to do with. They come back to haunt me all the time, but then I forget. They are not even the stuff people would take seriously, so I can't even talk about them, even to a T. Assuming I would remember to talk about them. But when they come back, they are painful. I have bigger ones that seems more important, so they may be worth looking into a little more. Although I would need someone that cares about hearing those things, and my T is not one of them. They refuse to acknowledge my pain. But nevermind.

It is quite possible that your parents were not as good as you thought. It took me almost 40 years to figure out how inept and totally insufficient my upbringing was. There was no way for me to know, since it was the only thing I ever knew. But eventually, I realized that others had it different and better. More normal.

Black Widow wrote:Although I would need someone that cares about hearing those things, and my T is not one of them. They refuse to acknowledge my pain.

I am so sorry this is your experience with your current therapist. This is probably the most heartbreaking thing of everything you said. I'm wondering, quite honestly, why you would stay with a therapist who you feel this way about...? Do you not feel yourself worthy of having someone who will acknowledge your pain and everything you've been through?

Black Widow wrote:It is quite possible that your parents were not as good as you thought.

I have a feeling deep in my gut that this statement is true.

brandic wrote: I'm wondering, quite honestly, why you would stay with a therapist who you feel this way about...?

I don't have any choice in the matter, it would seem.
I don't even have the choice to not go.
Beggars can't be choosers. That type of thing.

I am also too confused about the society to be able to know what I can do, what I have the right to do, what I should do, etc. There does not seem to be any resources for people like me around here. That is why people end up in the streets and get shot by the cops.

This whole business is incomprehensible. I just want to live in peace.
Alone if necessary, but having some support would have been nice. It just does not seem to be in the cards. Not the type I would need anyway. I suppose I can learn a few things about myself with her. It is just the children that do not feel safe at all. Maybe I am making things up too, due to my trust issue, I don't know. It borders on the delusional.

brandic wrote:Can you tell me what you mean by "almost normal state of being"? What does that mean exactly?

Likening it to myself, I consider my "almost normal state of being" to be the "me" that is fake. It is the me that I become at times when the situation seems to call for it. The emotion is fake. The facial expressions are fake. They are all put on. As if I'm acting to play a part. But I'm not acting.

Example: my last phone conversation with my mom. I became the part of me that I consider the "almost normal" part, or what would be apparently normal to her. I showed happiness at the start of our conversation, happiness to talk to her. I showed concern when she said she wanted to kill herself. It's what any normal person would have done. But it was put on. The only real emotion though was the disdain that snowballed as the conversation continued.

I guess now it does kinda sound like I'm likening it to acting. What I'm really trying to say is that for me, it's like acting, but there's really no choice in the matter. It just kinda happens because that is what seems to "fit" at the time.