What's wrong with this picture

I know my childhood wasn’t perfect, even though I used to think it had been. Nobody’s childhood is perfect, right? And no parents are perfect, right? But what I want to know is, why do I have the issues that I have now in adulthood. Why do I have dissociated parts. I needed to have had a not-so-great childhood, I believe, in order for my mind to split up the different parts of me and all the compartmentalisation (is that even a word?) that went along with it. My parents needed to not only have been not perfect parents, but they needed to have been unsupportive and unresponsive parents. This is the piece that doesn’t make any sense, because I know my parents, and I know them to be quite active in my life and very concerned about my well-being. They love me, they care about me, and they have always and continue to support me in any way they possibly can. How, in any way, is that unsupportive and unresponsive?

So I must ask myself, what is wrong with this picture? One of these things doesn’t make sense. Either they were completely different types of parents than I think them to be, or I’m exaggerating my dissociative condition.

The thing is, I’m fairly certain I have DID/DDNOS, and I’m also fairly certain they were good, loving, supportive parents. So… The question then is, how does this make any sense? How do I reconcile these two things? Is it possible to have DID if you have loving, supportive parents? Maybe it’s possible, but I’ve never heard of it.

I know how you feel, Brandic. I am going through the same dilemma of wondering, what could have caused the mind to split? We cannot recall anything that could have gone wrong enough to have caused this dissociation, yet, it's happened. Not counting the parts we don't remember, but we have lived with both parents over a period of time, and no red flags. In all of this, we have decided it was due to some type of bullying in early years. So, ask yourself, is there anything else that could have caused you problems? Maybe not from your parents, but from someone else?

Also, a lot of what I hear/read about developing any type dissociative disorder, it's usually due to severe trauma. Well, maybe there are cases where these disorders happen without any type of trauma, but from something else entirely?

6 & 9 told me that just the thought of dieing caused the host at the time to split at 2yro. They said they watched the whole thing, everyone was surprised at the split, and how the body was actually relatively unscathed.
Absolutely nothing to do with parents or school trauma, just a really bad accident.

Borg wrote:6 & 9 told me that just the thought of dieing caused the host at the time to split at 2yro. They said they watched the whole thing, everyone was surprised at the split, and how the body was actually relatively unscathed.
Absolutely nothing to do with parents or school trauma, just a really bad accident.

That's really interesting. And awesome. Not in the sense that you split, but that a single idea caused it. It really shows how little anyone knows of DID.

Encircled wrote:So, ask yourself, is there anything else that could have caused you problems? Maybe not from your parents, but from someone else?

Well... a couple things come to mind. First of all, I was in a horrible car accident when I was in the womb. I know it's debatable whether a baby can be traumatized before they are born, but I think the research is showing that they actually can. I was about 6 or 7 months along (so just a couple months before I was due) and it was a horrific accident. My mom was trapped in the car with the engine on her lap, basically. I won't get into the specifics, because it was really awful, but basically they were afraid my mom was going to go into labor because I became so active for several days. I finally calmed down, apparently. But she was still in the hospital when I was born a month or two later, and for about another week or two after I was born. So... the circumstances surrounding my birth were very traumatic.

** trigger warning - sexual abuse, controlling relationship**
The second thing that comes to mind is that I was involved in a horribly abusive relationship starting when I was about age 11 or 12 until I was 14. I honestly cannot remember that much, except that I thought he was my "boyfriend" (he was 16 when I met him), he took advantage of me sexually, and I was scared of him since he would threaten to kill me, my parents, etc if I ever "left him." I also remember developing anorexia because of how he constantly told me that I was fat.
** end trigger**

My parents never knew about this "relationship" by the way.

There were several sexual experiences as a young teenager that I would say could be described as traumatic, but they were singular events.

The reason I don't think the situation I described above ^^ with the older guy could've caused the DID is because my understanding is that DID is created in early childhood, not teen/preteen years. That the dissociative element must have already been there...

I always thought my childhood was great and happy and that I remembered a lot from it - until a few nights ago when I watched home videos with my parents and it was like the twilight zone - nothing I saw in the videos, none of the birthdays, none of the events, not even the dog who I owned and loved for over ten years (from the time I was about 11 or 12 to the time I was in my early 20s) was recognizable. I remembered none of it. I still don't understand how that is... and these home movies took place before these traumatic events happened. So... I wonder why it is that I am not able to remember so much of my childhood if it was happy...?

Thank you both for responding. I don't even know if there's necessarily an "answer" out there that will explain things, at least not yet, but I'm grateful for at least the opportunity to share some of my thoughts/feelings/questions about this whole situation with all of you.

Brandic

quote="brandic"]The second thing that comes to mind is that I was involved in a horribly abusive relationship starting when I was about age 11 or 12 until I was 14. I honestly cannot remember that much, except that I thought he was my "boyfriend" (he was 16 when I met him)[/quote]As far as brain development goes, this is still pretty young. At age 11 I was in 5th/6th grade. And a relationship with a 16 year old at this time, especially a sexual one? If you ask me that's very traumatic, and I honestly don't think the age matters. The brain stops it's major developmental phases in the mid 20s, if I recall correctly.

Especially the fact that none of the experience was ever truly integrated during your childhood, if you weren't able to make it a part of the rest of your childhood experience that included your parents. I mean, you would have had to have developed an apparently normal self with them, possibly so they and no one else would see what you were experiencing internally. That says split all over it if you ask me. And when I say split I don't necessarily mean alters. Any kind of dissociation from trauma is a type of split, according to what I've read.

brandic wrote:and these home movies took place before these traumatic events happened. So... I wonder why it is that I am not able to remember so much of my childhood if it was happy...?

If you had to hide this abuse from this boy from your parents, and with that hide all the feelings and emotions and thoughts as well...you probably hid more. And they may not have been traumatic events even. It could have been that you were unable to be authentic with your parents and have your feelings heard and validated. And hiding feelings from your attachment figures...will lead to hiding feelings from yourself.

I think you probably found the first cause, Brandic. The car accident.
That could have started it, and then any other stress happening can make it worse. Once you are split once, it makes it easier to do so again, I think.

It does not have to be bad parents, even though it seems more common and obviously gives some pretty bad cases of dissociation and problems.

I don't think the cause is what matters. What matters is what you are experiencing now.

dividedtruth89 wrote:Especially the fact that none of the experience was ever truly integrated during your childhood, if you weren't able to make it a part of the rest of your childhood experience that included your parents. I mean, you would have had to have developed an apparently normal self with them, possibly so they and no one else would see what you were experiencing internally.

Sorry... could you maybe explain this a little more clearly? I'm having a hard time following. What do you mean by the fact that it was never truly integrated, if I wasn't able to make it part of the rest of my childhood experience. I'm not even sure what my "childhood experience" was. I don't have any sort of narrative for my childhood. It's not like I have this ongoing narrative for what my childhood was like, and then I met this guy, and it just stopped. My entire childhood, including this experience, is foggy and hard to access. Also, what what do you mean when you say, I would have had to develop an apparently normal self with them so they and no one else would see what I was experiencing internally...? They didn't have a clue what I was experiencing internally, ever. At least, I think. From what I remember, I had to hide virtually everything from them. Nothing was safe. They thought I was the perfect child. Happy, "submissive" (as my mom happily described me as an infant), not complaining...

dividedtruth89 wrote:It could have been that you were unable to be authentic with your parents and have your feelings heard and validated. And hiding feelings from your attachment figures...will lead to hiding feelings from yourself.

Wow. Beautifully said divided. Yes, like i said above, I felt like I virtually had to hide everything from them. So... what you said makes perfect sense. I do think I also hid a lot from myself...

Thanks so much for your input

-- Wed Jan 11, 2012 9:37 pm --

Black Widow wrote:I think you probably found the first cause, Brandic. The car accident.
That could have started it, and then any other stress happening can make it worse. Once you are split once, it makes it easier to do so again, I think.

That makes sense. However there is some skepticism in the psychology community whether developing the ability of a mind to split is actually possible in a pre-born baby. But yes, I agree with what you are saying. I think it's entirely possible.

Black Widow wrote:It does not have to be bad parents, even though it seems more common and obviously gives some pretty bad cases of dissociation and problems.

Yes. I wouldn't say that my parents were "bad" parents, but I would say that my parents were parents with blinders on. How they couldn't have seen what was happening with the older guy (and the subsequent depression, suicide attempts, anorexia, etc) is beyond me...

Black Widow wrote:I don't think the cause is what matters. What matters is what you are experiencing now.

I know that I shouldn't worry about the "cause," but it does gnaw at me. A part of me has to be able to solve the puzzle...

Thanks for your feedback

Brandic

My apologies. I forget that I am starting to use the terms "integration" more freely, perhaps not appropriate for this forum. When you have a difficult experience, or any experience for that matter, it needs to be "integrated." Imagine you defeat your favorite video game and you feel the need to tell someone, anyone, to make it feel more real. But no one's around and you eventually forget. If it's never talked about, it will eventually become forgotten, mundane, everyday. You didn't reiterate it enough, talk about it enough, feel it enough. So your brain decides it's not important. You may forget the experience all together just like you don't remember what you ate for breakfast 14 days ago.

Now what if you use the same scenario for something that is traumatic? The brain wants to integrate the experience in some form. The easiest way, of course, would be to talk about. Have your feelings about the situation heard and validated. But if you don't do this...the brain will find another way. It wants to heal the trauma. It will do so by reliving the trauma through certain behaviors and emotions that seem random but do have triggers that the brain is sensing and you are not aware of.

brandic wrote:I don't have any sort of narrative for my childhood.

That says it right there. Your childhood has not been integrated into the rest of your normal brain functioning, hence the lack of conscious memory and narrative.

brandic wrote:They didn't have a clue what I was experiencing internally, ever.

Well of course not. They didn't see the emotions and experiences you were hiding from them and yourself. If they really did see a happy and submissive and perfect child, it's not cuz you were a brilliant actress. It's because you developed that almost normal state of being. That is what they saw, that is the portion of your brain that was probably being activated throughout your childhood. Now your emotional brain is being activated. The part of your brain that was always there. They just didn't see it.

And if you're anything like me, you probably didn't know that it was possible to feel so much emotion till recently. From what I have been reading of your posts on here, it sounds like as an adult you have been primarily using this emotional portion of your brain. There's been a flip-flop from pretend, painted on smiles, to reality.

I know I'm talking in circles. This partly was helping me understand things for myself as well, so thanks for posting

dividedtruth89 wrote:If they really did see a happy and submissive and perfect child, it's not cuz you were a brilliant actress. It's because you developed that almost normal state of being. That is what they saw, that is the portion of your brain that was probably being activated throughout your childhood. Now your emotional brain is being activated. The part of your brain that was always there. They just didn't see it.

Lol You and me agree that I'm not a brilliant actress . Can you tell me what you mean by "almost normal state of being"? What does that mean exactly?

I'd have to disagree a little bit with what you're saying, when you say that my emotional brain is being activated. I think my "emotional brain" has been activated since about age 12 (once the abusive relationship began), however I never felt connected to that part of myself, nor did I feel like I (the bigger I) could ever express that part of myself. For the most part, most big emotions that I feel do not feel like my "own." That's why I'm starting to believe that I do, in fact, have DID. I am starting to realize that these other parts of me - alters, dissociated ego states, whatever you want to call them - hold much more emotion than I'm capable of carrying. R carries much of the rage, for example. I often feel numb and devoid of emotion, honestly, and when I do feel emotion it's not unusual for me to feel like it's not "mine" or that it's coming out of the blue.

However, that all being said, I do feel as though I'm starting to be honest with myself about what I'm experiencing and what's going on with me for the first time in my life. I feel as though I'm finally ready to deal with my demons. Boy, I sure hope I don't regret saying that...