Watched home movies with my parents

Tonight I went over to my parents to watch home movies. The videos we watched were from when I was eleven and twelve. Some things that stood out:

-At times I was happy go lucky, other times I seemed downright depressed. It was weird seeing myself like that.

-I pretty much didn't remember anything from any of the videos. The only things I remembered were scenes from one of these home videos that I had watched before. I have a feeling I only "remembered" them because of that.

-I didn't recognize one of my dogs. I had this dog from the time I was about eleven to after I left for college when I was eighteen (he died maybe sometime in my early 20s?). I don't have any photographs of him, but I always thought that if I saw a picture or a video of him, that I would recognize him. It was like I was looking at a dog I had never seen before. I recognized my other dog, however I have tons of pictures of that one. I'm guessing that's why I recognized that one...? That's the only explanation I can think of.

-There was one scene where it was my mom's birthday. I was either eleven or twelve. We apparently got her a bicycle for her birthday. Our whole family - dad, brother and me - were all in on it (according to the video). My mom acted so excited, like a little kid. In the video my mom said to me, "This is so great, now we can go on bike rides together!" When I heard her say this on the video, I had this sinking feeling in my heart. I don't remember going on a single bike ride with her as a kid. In fact, I hardly remember doing a single thing with my mother when I was a child. I truly cannot think of a single thing we did together. I wonder if we ever did take that bike ride. She was so excited that she wanted to ride it right then and there. It was night time, and it had been raining, but it didn't matter. So the whole family went running outside in a flurry of excitement. I overheard myself (little Brandic) say to my mom as everyone was rushing out, "Mom, can I go get my bike too?" And she replied, "No honey." I have no recollection of any of this. I didn't even know that my mom owned a bike.

That's all I think my brain can process at the moment. I just wanted to share these things.

Brandic

It does seem like you should remember owning a dog for so long, doesn't it? I'm sorry that so many of these happy aspects of your life seem forgotten. They are in your brain somewhere...it will just take time to find them.

brandic wrote: I truly cannot think of a single thing we did together.

I am so sorry about all this.

brandic wrote:At times I was happy go lucky, other times I seemed downright depressed. It was weird seeing myself like that.

I can relate. I found two pictures of myself while at my Grandmother's, one with me smiling and posing. The smile seemed very slight, as if my mouth was heavy and I was forcing it. The second picture was taken just a few moments before or after the first one, and no one knows the picture is being taken. I too looked downright depressed. Seeing that shocked me. What was I so upset about, I wonder?

Trigger warning
I know there were times when I was depressed as a child, and my mom would get mad at me and ask me why I wasn't smiling. I don't remember video from this memory, only audio. She said "What's wrong with you? Are you depressed or something? You never smile." Her voice is so angry.

End trigger

I am sorry it was such a sorry time with your parents. My one consolation when I think of these things and feel this way is that, if I am ever a parent, I will SO rise above it all. And any child I come into contact with now I try to give them what was inconsistent for me growing up, attention, smiles.

That is if I'm not on the floor playing legos with them or running around playing Star Wars with balloon swords and enjoying every minute of it. Talking to grownups is BORING!!!

Its not unusual for someone with a abusive childhood to have few memories. It must be some sort of protective process of the brain to minimize feeling hurt.

How do you feel about what you saw and the fact that you don't remember it?

I don't have home movies, only photos. And seeing the things I don't remember always makes me feel sad and also a bit contemplative, like I have to figure out how to put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle back together again using these "memories" that I should have but somehow didn't, and then I wonder how many other pieces are still missing. It makes me sad.

I hope you are doing ok after watching them. I think it was good you shared here. It will mean that you can refer back to your post at a later stage too if it can help you process it in some way...

Greatexpectations wrote:Its not unusual for someone with a abusive childhood to have few memories.

I didn't have an abusive childhood.

salted lipstick wrote:How do you feel about what you saw and the fact that you don't remember it?

Numb and overall just not okay

dividedtruth89 wrote:It does seem like you should remember owning a dog for so long, doesn't it?

I remember owning the dog I just didn't recognize the dog in the video.

dividedtruth89 wrote:I'm sorry that so many of these happy aspects of your life seem forgotten. They are in your brain somewhere...it will just take time to find them.

I don't know if I want to find them.

brandic wrote:I don't know if I want to find them.

This I can also relate to, I suppose. I know there are lots of happy memories from my childhood. But won't remembering them make me mourn that loss even more?