Pushing people away-Rant

I am in a dilemma with this. Because I don't know how to stop. How do you stop pushing people away? How can I stop being so negative? Stop putting myself down, stop negating when people say nice things to me?

I hung out with my friend B for the day and he kindly told me these are things I do. If he says something nice, I negate it. Not because I don't trust him, it's just that I know me better than he does. I know I'm not that great a person. So I try to let him know this when he compliments me, whatever.

I'm like a negative teenager. Not all the time. Not at work. But in therapy and with friends(friend?). This self (that I still see as me, but as a different part of myself) usually ends up in therapy, arguing with everything my T says. I make a sandtray with shiny stones representing years of my life, plastic bugs on top of the stones. My T comments on how she likes that the pretty stones represent my growing up. I tell her I wish they were ugly rocks. We go back and forth. Just one example of how negative I can be.

I don't understand me. I don't understand why I isolate. I don't understand why relationships are so hard. I don't understand why I push B away if he touches me, but other times it's okay. I don't understand why my whole life I've only had one or two close friends, and isolated when it comes to anyone else.

Other people seem to be so much better at relationships. Why can't I? It's not fair.

I tried to tell my mom that I need her to not claim me on her taxes. We need to figure out some way for her to go back on it, since she wrote me as a dependent all year, even though she doesn't support me. She told me I told her she could do this, though I don't remember it. But it makes sense that I would. She has issues with money and I probably wanted to help her out, since I wouldn't make much this year anyway. But I just found out I need to file in order to qualify as instate tuition for university.

My mom cut me off again. Yelled at me telling me she's wanted to kill herself for 7 years. Her angry tone made it sound like you could have replaced "herself" with "you". It sounded like she was saying she had wanted to kill me, even though I know that's not the case. I'm so sick of this. She said lots of mean things.

I know you may say "it's all part of DID." But I don't think I do have DID. Possibly DDNOS, but even that is starting to seem unlikely. PTSD I know. But now I'm thinking maybe there's a personality disorder that goes with all this. I want to know. I don't want to have a conversation with my T about this but I know I need to.

I am RUBBISH at relationships/friendships. ROYAL RUBBISH. It is understandable if you think about the kind of relationships we all grew up with: unreliable, unpredictable, toxic in some way... Talking about this with your T is obviously a good step but she probably has some idea anyway from the way that you are with her. After all, they say the way you act with the therapist is a mirror image of the way you are with other people in the outside world.

Bourbon

I am sorry your mom is violating your boundaries like that. Re the income tax filing, that part is easy. Simply inform her that you will file your own return for 2011. Period. There is nothing here that you need to discuss, unless you choose to. If she willfully claims you as a dependent and thereby triggers an audit, it will be an audit of her, not of you. Her consequence, not yours.

One of the best books about maintaining personal boundaries is by Cloud and Townsend. They have a website too: http://www.cloudtownsend.com/

I am no help at relationships either, and I push everyone away as well, and because of this I never get close to anyone.


It sounds like this is something you want to do though. Make it a priority and consciously work on it. You can do it!

tylas wrote:I am no help at relationships either, and I push everyone away as well, and because of this I never get close to anyone.


It sounds like this is something you want to do though. Make it a priority and consciously work on it. You can do it!

Haha the way you say this makes it sound so easy. Maybe I'm having such a hard time because half of me wants more relationships and half of me is comfortable.

That's possible. It's not that often that we really give things like this a thought. Doing that can make a huge difference.

dividedtruth89 wrote:How do you stop pushing people away? How can I stop being so negative? Stop putting myself down, stop negating when people say nice things to me?

I wish I knew the answers to these questions.

dividedtruth89 wrote:I know I'm not that great a person.

Believing something is different than knowing it.

dividedtruth89 wrote:I don't understand me. I don't understand why I isolate. I don't understand why relationships are so hard. I don't understand why I push B away if he touches me, but other times it's okay. I don't understand why my whole life I've only had one or two close friends, and isolated when it comes to anyone else.

I feel the same way. Maybe only the best of us keep people at arms length. I'm totally kidding, just trying to get a smile out of you.

dividedtruth89 wrote:My mom cut me off again. Yelled at me telling me she's wanted to kill herself for 7 years. Her angry tone made it sound like you could have replaced "herself" with "you". It sounded like she was saying she had wanted to kill me, even though I know that's not the case. I'm so sick of this. She said lots of mean things.

I am so sorry. That sounds so painful.

dividedtruth89 wrote:I know you may say "it's all part of DID." But I don't think I do have DID. Possibly DDNOS, but even that is starting to seem unlikely. PTSD I know. But now I'm thinking maybe there's a personality disorder that goes with all this. I want to know.

I know you want to know. I know how hard it is not knowing. SOrry, I wish I could be of more help...

Brandic

brandic wrote:I feel the same way. Maybe only the best of us keep people at arms length. I'm totally kidding, just trying to get a smile out of you.

brandic wrote:SOrry, I wish I could be of more help...

You were a great help, thank you.

I totally and completely understand where you are coming from on this one. Have you ever considered BPD as a diagnosis? I have BPD, and you seem to act the same way as I do. But then again, I am an older teen, so who knows with me. :p I know relationships are hard, they are hard for everybody, but just harder for some more than others. Like somebody else had replied, if you make a conscious effort then it will probably be easier on you... Before my self-analysis and therapy, I couldn't keep a boyfriend longer than 3 1/2 months, and I couldn't keep a friend more than probably about 8 months. After figuring myself out a bit more, and after figuring out the other pieces of my life that still wonder inside of me, I have a boyfriend of 8 1/2 months, who knows everything about me, including my Little One, and loves both of us unconditionally. And he loves me just the way that I am. As for the friend aspect of that, well, I'm still working on perfecting that, but I am getting better at not screwing up with friends.

It's definitely not an easy process by any means, but it is definitely a reachable goal. You can learn to apologize to those that are close to you before you screw up, and if they are a true friend, they will stick around. It works a little differently for everybody, but I'm sure you'll be able to figure out the formula with time and effort.