I'm so stupid

I'm an idiot, I really am.

So I went and submersed myself in school. I finally found out my grades, and somehow pulled off all A's. I head to therapy all excited, and the session is great! Up until she says "You are ignoring your alters, it's why Sam and The Box are causing problems". And I realized she was right. To focus on school, I calmly packaged them all away again, ignoring them.

It doesn't help that I started 'putting them away' because a ######6 hospital wouldn't listen to me. I went into the ER for some serious chest pain, and apparently only my bipolar showed up on my record. When I tried informing them that I was not bipolar, I was DID and no I was no longer on my bipolar meds, I was immediately written off as 'non-compliant' and was asked to leave. I had a stress test performed by my doctor the next day, and have found out I have a faulty valve that will eventually need surgery. I remember cursing mental illness period and trying to be 'normal' for a while, because I didn't want to end up dead.

Anyway, school starts again Wednesday. I'm takin micro, anatomy, and psych....apparently this semester is a 'make or break' time due to the classes. I'm stressed and trying not to take it out on my husband. He's having it rough now that Sam has forced herself out (or The Box let her out as punishment) and started smashing our head into things in frustration.

I'm a mess all over again...I wish I hadn't tried for normal.

Um, first can I say, glad to see you back! I was happy to see you had posted.

I think what you've been doing in school is amazing. I go back in the fall but I know I won't be taking the difficult classes you'll be taking even though I'll be a senior...so kudos to you. I think it shows great strength to be doing what you're doing.

About the "ignoring your alters" thing...Do you think that the fact you were avoiding them was only related to school? Or some other reason? Is there anyway possible they could be included somewhere in that portion of your life?

Talk to you later, once again, so happy to see you!

You're not stupid. You're just trying to live a life. You're just trying to get on with things. That isn't stupid. But it is good your therapist is able to say to you, wait a minute, are you forgetting something? At least she is there to keep an eye on things. You're doing the best you can under the circumstances and dealing with some pretty #######5 things. I think thats inspirational.

Bourbon

You are far from stupid, trust me...

I can really relate to your experience of wanting to shut it all down, tuck it away safe somewhere to be dealt with later. This is natural. I'm guessing it's also something you've done your whole life (I have), as well as a coping mechanism. If anything, you are adaptive, and extremely intelligent. If you wanna be hard on yourself, be hard on yourself about being hard on yourself. I'm kidding of course .

I know how it feels to be shut down by professionals and to then take it to the next level. Almost like, they don't believe me, they don't think I have DID, well... let's prove them right! Which doesn't make any sense, because they were the ones who were invalidating assh@les in the first place, but... sometimes these things don't make proper sense.

You have "held it together" your entire life. It's what you do. It's what you know. Please don't beat yourself up for doing what you learned to do quite well.

If possible a) try to go easy on yourself, b) try to go easy on yourself, and c) try to go easy on yourself. The one thing I've learned in this whole process of trying to process and accept my DID/DDNOS is that I have to constantly be forgiving myself (for things that I got angry at myself about) and move on. I hope you can do the same, because you don't deserve any more punishment in your life. You really don't.

Congrats on the all A's. That's truly an amazing feat.

Nice to see you posting.

Brandic

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You made the choices that seemed right to you at the time, so there is nothing wrong with that at all. My favourite saying is "I did then what I knew how to do, when I knew better, I did better". So sure, you picked the choices that seemed right for you at the time, like school and doing well at it. That's a good choice and you did it for the right reasons at the time, so you should be proud of that. But now your therapist has drawn attention to something she has noticed about packing the others away, and now you recognize that she had a point. So now you have recognised she has a point about packing them away you can adjust your choices and behaviour in the future.

I think most of us probably have some tendency to pack some of the others away at times in order to help us cope and not have to deal with things that are too intense sometimes. It's just what you have done from time to time to help you cope. I think what is most important is now that you have become aware of that tendency, that you act to make sure that the problems of the others are taken care of in some way, like if they want to speak to your therapist or express themselves through art or journalling or write here or something to help.