Locked out of inner world?

I tend to get locked out of the inner world a lot. I am currently locked out again.

Christmas Eve I went into the Woods (a safe part of my inner world) and gave out presents to some alters. I never got to finish. The gifts were all the same- a small box wrapped in silver paper with a big bow. Inside was whatever they wanted the most.

Jackie openned hers and got a laminated card that said "Permission to be angry." She loved it.

I dropped Alice's gift down to her. She openned it and it was something to SH with. I didn't like that one too well, but Jackie said it is how she releases the pain.

Then Jackie gave me one. I openned it and had nothing in my mind about what I wanted. I was happy to find what I want the most. It was a slip of paper that says "I promise, everything is going to be okay." The greatest gift ever.

I went over to Seed's tree and knocked. Molly came out. She's 4 and was wiping her eyes because she just woke up. She was integrated a while ago. In her present was a teddy bear. She hugged it and went back to Seed.

I was planning to give one to everyone but didn't get the chance. I gave Jill a box, she unwrapped it and Alice came out of her present and was standing there in front of her. So I ran over to the well but Alice was still in the well cutting away. I looked back and was starting to walk back over to Jill and Alice when Jackie grabbed my arm holding me back. Jackie said, "that isn't Alice- that is just the parts of Jill that Alice held." Then Jill hugged the Alice that came out of the gift and they kinda dissengrated into one. Jill looked the same but her light brown eyes were emerald green. It was freaky.

Then everything went black. Next thing I knew, I woke up the next morning to my son saying "Santa came, get up."

I can't go back into my inner world anymore. It's frustrating. I can still hear Jackie and she just says "things are changing in here- it isn't safe right now."

~~~~~

Anyone else often get locked out of the inner world? It is frustrating and worries me. I have no idea what is going on. I haven't had any switches happen since Christmas Eve which is kinda nice in a way but is weird.

I'm just wondering if anyone else gets locked out and how long does something like this last? And why? Is it to protect me from something?

Sometimes things get so quiet, I think something's wrong. Or I'll take a peek inside and see nothing. Then I'm like WTH? O.o Judging from the sounds inside, it's sometimes protection, like I can't handle to see what's inside or be of help, so all I'll see is darkness and hear screaming/crying or just nothing at all, so I'm like did I just make everything up? Sorry no help.
That's was really nice of you to get them presents, I just tried to pretend the holiday never existed. Your method is much more healing.

Me! Though that's more of how our arrangement happened or how they just prefer it. I'm not entirely sure. I'm kind of content with it, however. Every time I try going in there, it feels like my head will explode from everything that's going in. There can be any reason at all for why it happens and it can last indefinitely. As far as I understand it, though, it's a protection thing and will end when it's safe for you to come back.

In my case, I'm the host (and it's debatable whether I'm also the core or not), so my job is to take care of everything outside the body. I am responsible for ensuring our physical safety and survival. Since I've been out so long, it's assumed (by me at the least, I honestly don't know about my others) that I'm also responsible for securing our future. With everyone else, their roles are entirely internal and so they block me out (or allow me to block them - again not sure on what's going on with their end).

As much as you can't help but worry, also try to trust them. A while ago, I had been more involved with getting to know them and help out as much as I can; trying to make things easier on their end, help with healing in anyway possible, and trying to encourage them to come out whenever they wanted to when it was safe (because at this point I had my own place and they could). Then some dramatic things happened (of which I'm only partially sure of) and I was booted out while they took care of it. It wasn't anything I could help with and it got resolved to their specifications. I haven't been back since and, in my case, it's for the best this way. I'm going to therapy when I can afford it, focusing on school and surviving, and trying to work out some plans for the future. What I do affects all of them, so they've given me the impression that it's better to work my own $#%^ out and let everything I learn via therapy filter through to them and they'll take that to help them work their own $#%^ out.

With you, I suspect you'll back in soon. Of course, soon could mean in a few months, depending on what's going on (which sounds like issues being resolved and possible integration). Hopefully they let you know when it's ok to return. Until then, make things as drama-free as possible on your end to help them out. I also wouldn't worry too much - if anything, just so unnecessary stress isn't added to what's going on with them.

I also think with you that you'll be let back in soon, it sounds like integration and alter things are taking place, and it might be easier for it all to happen without you there.

I can hardly really see my inner world at all, I know in general what it looks like and where each alter lives, but when I'm pushed completely inside, I don't seem to go there, I just go to a very plain room where I can't see anything, and it's all black. And really boring. I only get glimpses of the inner world, and I wish I could actually visit.

Thanks for the responses. I am just worried. Jill just looked so different. She is usually very nervous, a little sad, but one of the sweetest others in the system. When she got the rest of her from Alice she looked angry. I know Jill is one of the ones that keeps the system functioning as it does. Her changing is worrying me.

I do trust them. I have no reason not to but I can't help but be concerned. I'm also use to switching with Jackie and Jill through out the day but for the past few days it has been just me.

I will do as CocoanutMonkey suggests and keep things on the outside moving but it sucks not knowing what is going on with them.

Eisa wrote:I can hardly really see my inner world at all, I know in general what it looks like and where each alter lives, but when I'm pushed completely inside, I don't seem to go there, I just go to a very plain room where I can't see anything, and it's all black. And really boring. I only get glimpses of the inner world, and I wish I could actually visit.

I have a section of the inner world like that. It is a just a room with black walls and two chairs. I can still get to that room right now but it doesn't help me much. When I try to go to the Woods and get redirected to the room, I know somethings up. Azel usually comes to the room and sits down in the other chair and prepares me for the change in the Woods. Other alters can come in too if they want. It was in that room that I first met Samantha.

But when I go in now, I just go straight to that room. Azel pops in for a second, tells me not worry, things are changing, and to go back out into the body. Then he leaves the room through a door I can't find and that's it. Either sit there alone in darkness or go back out into the real world.

Last time I got locked out it was because of me- I freaked out when Molly integrated with the core. When I accepted she was okay and it was a good thing, I could come back. There have been other times where I get locked out for short periods of time. I just wish I knew what was going on this time. I love my others and I'm worried about them.

We had a good reason. You don't need to know everything. -Jackie

Did I read an integrated alter wasn't integrated to get a gift?

Also, lucky yous, I don't have an inner world

Zmiyeya wrote:Did I read an integrated alter wasn't integrated to get a gift?

It wasn't Molly that came out. And she wonders why I get pissed and talk about her being a clueless host. -Jackie

ashesoflife wrote:

Zmiyeya wrote:Did I read an integrated alter wasn't integrated to get a gift?

It wasn't Molly that came out. And she wonders why I get pissed and talk about her being a clueless host. -Jackie

At least she has a dreamworld for her dreamworld