back in time...I may never remember

This is sad to write. And confess.

I had a dream that my Dad and I were in the car, and I was driving to the hospital, yet I was in the passenger seat. I was becoming very frustrated; I couldn't find the mechanism to make the car go in reverse. My Dad was trying to reassure me that "it's okay, just go forward, you don't need to go in reverse right now anyway." Then I was alone. And there were kids in the middle of the road, and cars everywhere, I wasn't able to get through. I had to bash through some of the cars in order to avoid hitting the children in the road.

I have been trying for so long to go back, go into reverse, and replace what I lost. The truth is it can not be replaced. I may never be able to remember more of the times I spent with my Dad. Sometimes it's like my life began at 5th grade-that's where most of my memories begin. Almost everything before that is like looking at a photo album and not recognizing myself. The only photographs of my childhood that exist are those before I was 10. Funny I actually feel more connection to my life after I was 10 even though I never see photos of it. I remember it better, and I don't even have pictures to remind me. But even the pictures taken of me before I was 10 do not remind me of any of those happy times.

I may never remember. I want to devote my life to trying to remember, but this I know is not wise. I may never feel more of a connection to that past. I have to keep on driving forward, and experience the life I have now. There is time for sorrow, and tears. I was denied it before, I definitely don't deny myself that now. But there is also time for joy and happiness and being around the few people who I know love me. There is also a time for making something of my life and having goals and dreams and hopes for the future. That time is now. I am going to try so hard to grab hold of it. I know there are still tears to come in the future. Namely this Christmas As people I was estranged from pass away(my Grandfather is on the brink), it will get even worse. But when the tears come, I'll be ready for them. And unlike my childhood, I will have people supporting me, validating those feelings.

Thanks for letting me share.

I know how you feel with some of that i lost bost sets on ganperants over 6 years or so near to xmas time,

remeber that we are all here to help support you too as you have been for us.

i hope you have a good xmas and if you dont remeber your not alone.

kadssdak.

What a beautiful post.

Happy christmas.

We're all here for you if you need us.

Bourbon

Thank you kadssdak and bourbon. This has been a rough road, and while the road seems to be getting rougher at times, I am much better equipped to walk it now than I was a few months ago.

dividedtruth89 wrote:Thank you kadssdak and bourbon. This has been a rough road, and while the road seems to be getting rougher at times, I am much better equipped to walk it now than I was a few months ago.

Glad to hear it