Can anyone help me?

I'm Jack. I'm an Alt, one of 7. I'm in a female body, and I hate it. I struggle with speaking to the others, often feeling annoyed by the fact that I cant be out 24 hours a day. Annoyed that even if I was able to be out 24hours a day that I can't handle it. I feel physically sick when I have to interact with anyone besides my wife. She has been the only one that I am able to communicate well with. I feel alot of anger over not being able to be with her 24 hours a day everyday, alot of anger knowing shes going through things that I'm clueless on.

In the past I thought I was melded, there was 3 of us always switching. Now, It has come to everyone's knowledge that we've all always been separated. We use to rapidly switch, leaning on each other. I don't know what my trigger is. Now, when I'm out we don't rapidly switch, leaving me feeling helpless and not knowing how to deal with certain situations that in the past I never had to deal with. Is there anything I can do to find out what my trigger is? Aswell as how I can be out and not feel overwhelmed with physically sick feelings or anxiety?

I don't know how to change, I don't know how to fix how I feel. The majority of the time I feel very shut off and I hate talking to them. I feel it never solves anything and that it's pointless to reach out.

I have a hard time looking at myself in a mirror without wanting to punch it or cry. I'll never be who I want to be in this life. I know I disappoint My Wife in the aspect of not reaching out to the other alters to give her a message for me, she feels I'm distant. It just isn't easy for me to say I love her and that I need to be with her to them because I know they will all say the same and to wait my turn, I feel as if I'm waiting in a line most of the time, in a dark room just to have a chance to see her once more. Usually when I finally come out she is upset with me.

Tonight I was told by the alters to come out and stay out till the situation is fixed but I'm unaware on how to fix anything. In my daily life I usually don't think to do daily things that a normal person might think of doing, like brushing my teeth or taking care of children properly, cleaning up after myself, none of it crosses my mind.

I think I have reached a point where I'd like to fix things and be able to talk to everyone, for myself and also to help put My Wifes mind at ease.

If anyone can help me I'd appreciate it.

Jack

Hi bleedforme,

I'm glad you posted here and hope you continue to do so. And, I'm very sorry you are going through this right now.

You asked if anyone here could "help" you. Well, we can offer support and insight from our own experiences, and while this is helpful, what you really need is therapy. Are you in a situation where you can pursue that? Are you in the US? A lot of therapist here offer discounts for people who don't have insurance.

Getting good quality therapy should help you manage these symptoms of anxiety (well, dissociation, which according to my T is rooted in anxiety).

Keep posting here for support. But I hope you get the help you need.

Jack @bleedforme wrote:I know they will all say the same and to wait my turn, I feel as if I'm waiting in a line most of the time, in a dark room just to have a chance to see her once more.

Several of my insiders are responding to this, yelling Me too! That's why my system is bent on integrating, meaning fusing. It can be done without the help of a therapist but you sound stuck so I recommend you find a therapist to help you. The ISSTD website has a good listing of ISSTD member therapists.