Not sure how much more I can take

I'm so tired of all this. I feel so stuck in my therapy not really sure how to get things moving....I'm so sick and TIRED of not feeling like I'm in my own body-a passenger in my own life!!! I can care of notihng, feel nothing, wish nothing, there's just nothingness all the time and I don't know how much longer I can possibly live this way. I can set no goals, I function to the bare minimum and even that exhausts me. I hate waking up in the morning being forced to live another day in this body that feels like a damn prison. I'm always angry. Today my mom told me to stop being so angry all the time and that itself sent me over the edge till I just burst into tears and want to really hurt something or someoene. I feel guilty that I have such violent mood swings around my family, they're never really sure how I'll be, always walking on eggshells, I think it'd be better if I just left somewhere, go away to stop putting all of them through this pain. I feel paralyzed in my body-I want to get up and go make dinner and do all these things but it feels like a thousend bricks is weighing me down and I don't understand. I'll do it anyways, I always DO anyways because I know I have to. I get so angry with God and other people who don't know how f------- lucky they are they don't have to deal with this $#%^. I'd like to think its just depression but it's not, with depression come negative thoughts and I don't even have that! I have no thoughts and the ones I do have always are contradicting one another, yelling at me until I have a headache and they're always at the back of my head. Except when I feel the anger I feel more alive than I have in a long time but I know it's dangerous and unhealthy. Anyways, thanks for letting me vent, I just don't know how much more I can take.

I'm so sorry brandonsmom...this sucks. I wish that these words could somehow suck the injustice away from you, but they can't.

I'm glad you chose to vent on here...It does sound like depression is weighing on you right now...I mean the thought

brandonsmom777 wrote:I'd like to think its just depression but it's not, with depression come negative thoughts and I don't even have that!

Well, judging from what you wrote, it all seems pretty negative. And I'm not judging you for that, just saying that that is the perception I get. You are writing what you are thinking, and even though these thoughts don't swim through your head all day, your writing them is proof they exist...and they are all buried very deep within you causing you to feel the way you do...it's a vicious cycle.

Next time your mom asks "why are you so angry all the time," I would reply, with a sarcastic flare, "I have an illness that effects my mood significantly, that is why." Lol.

Thanks divided. I'm mostly negative because of the symptoms I experience on a daily basis. The anger comes from all the "voices" in my head that won't shut up and it's soooooooooo irritating that I can't understand a damn thing they're saying, ever. I am sarcastic with my mom which is why I feel so guilty sometimes. I don't mean to be but it's like...if you only knew why I get angry so easily all the time....duh. It's not her fault, or is it...I'm not really sure but I'm only depressed because I don't understand what's going on and I want to get better! Thanks for your support though, it means a lot

I just wanted to say I relate to your post. Alice is out of the well in my world. It isn't fun.

brandonsmom777 wrote:when I feel the anger I feel more alive than I have in a long time but I know it's dangerous and unhealthy

Who told you your anger is dangerous and unhealthy? It seems perfectly normal and healthy to me, under the circumstances. Of course you are angry. You have a really good reason to be angry. You have been diagnosed with a major dissociative disorder. What monster did that to you? What did they do? And are they still doing it?

I know who did this to me, and they would still be doing it if I let them. Even now they deny me my right to feel anger, to feel anything.

brandonsmom777 wrote:I feel so stuck in my therapy not really sure how to get things moving

Geez. You just came on this board less than a few weeks ago with your new questions about diagnosis. How can that be stuck? They say it usually takes 3-3.5 yrs after diagnosis to whatever-the-word-is ?recover?. It's only been a month. As my T puts it: "Remember. Feelings are not facts."

I say it's healthy to finally express that anger. Get it out, after years, decades of suppression, it's time to express yourself. Your gonna be angry! At least I was, full of rage. But after expressing it in healthy and unhealthy ways, I'm able to function better. It is alot like depression like you said. It's odd to me, but yeah, totally get it.

I felt stuck in Therapy during the Anger stage too. I felt stuck in Anger. I wanted to stop being angry and the T was at a loss. I ended up changing Ts. Doing alot of googling on anger issues.

" I can set no goals," from your post
start small setting goals , you can try something that will be a start and see that you can do it. Might be something as simple as you take a short walk when you want or need to. You will get a degree of satisfaction with the small goal completed . Its a good start.

I am sarcastic and angry a lot of the time too at home. I know how much it rips you up to see yourself doing this but feel completely unable to change things.