Too Old, Not Traumatizing Enough

SOLO: In trying to find a possible reason for my DID, I am taken back to a few experiences I had in middle school. I wonder, am I making a big deal out of nothing? Were these events traumatizing enough to cause dissociation? I wasn’t young enough; there must have been some earlier incident, but there’s nothing I can think of. Perhaps it’s not important to find a reason. Maybe it’s enough to know that whatever the reason, dissociation was my way to deal with it. In any case, I’m wondering, what are your thoughts about the age and severity of trauma when it comes to developing DID?

**** Trigger Warning: Sexual Harassment ****

Seventeen years ago, there was a girl being sexually harassed by her peers, her classmates. She was 12 years old at the time and things would go on for a couple of years after that. She had just moved with her family to a new neighborhood, new to the local middle school. She was already shy, now even more so in this new environment, and was an easy target.

The guys would blow her kisses, saying the words "I love you," devoid however, of true emotion; juxtaposed with statements such as, "I bet she likes this,""are you horny?" Their intentions clear. Other words were said, flirty in a sense, but in a way that was used to make her feel unconformable. They'd continue and be touchy feely with her, hands on, like it was no biggie.

Two guys would approach her on a field a short distance away from the main school building. One would come up from behind, one from the front. They'd smother her, rubbing their bodies against her in a sexual, "grinding" manner. Speaking with sexual innuendos and laughing at the situation. All the while, she's paralyzed, not fighting back, unsure what to do, unsure what to say.

Sitting down on the gym room floor, the two guys come and sit next to her. One on left, one on her right side, they would begin rubbing her legs, their hands slowly inching up towards the opening of her shorts. They'd have their hands high on her thighs, coupling with that, more sexual talk and embarrassment.

The guys were entertained by the fact that she didn't fight back. It was almost like a game, them flaunting their dominance over her without regard to how it made her feel. Whether they were purposeful in their actions or just plain ignorant of the effects, the girl they were harassing was negatively affected in any case.

The events were sporadic. It wasn't an everyday thing by any means. She said to herself that it wasn't a big deal; just kids being kids. In the context of her whole character though, it disturbed her perhaps, more than it would have other normal persons.

She didn't make any friends or hang out with any of her classmates outside of class, so her limited social interaction was in this hostile environment. On one hand, she disliked the uncomfortable feeling the harassment caused. Yet on the other, it was the only form of closeness with her peers that she had known and in a sense, she began to look forward to the attention, even if of the negative sort.

She had never really had any interest in sexual relationships like all the other kids seemed to have, and these incidents didn't help but fuel her disdain. Years after leaving the environment in which the incidents occurred, as a young adult, her own continued social isolation paints a picture of lack of interest in any sort of relationship, sexual or otherwise. Predominantly averse to sexual innuendo, and even on the lighter side, the words, "I love you" are all but meaningless to her now. Though in there somewhere deep in her mind, perhaps relegated to and perverted by fantasy, there is still that desire, that looking forward to the attention from these types of guys, the only guys who had ever paid her any mind. She doesn't want to blame these feelings on the specific events of harassment, but she doesn't deny that it might be a contributing factor, no matter how significant or insignificant.

I wasn't able to read your whole post. It triggers. I did skim.

All the while, she's paralyzed, not fighting back, unsure what to do, unsure what to say.

This quote stands out.

I have always been that way. Any type of contact I don't like, I freeze. I don't know what to do.

*******Trigger warning******

After I left my husband and moved in with my mom, her bf was drunk one night and rubbed against me. I froze. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. He stopped after 30 seconds probably because he couldn't stand up anymore because he was so drunk.

I was going to tell my mom what he did. This was before I knew I was DID and one of the things leading up to me figuring it out. I was going to tell my mom and my brain started saying "she won't believe you, she'll blame you, she'll call you a whore and tell you that you probably started it, she'll yell at at you for not stopping him and just feeling paralyzed, she won't believe you anyways and be mad at you..."

I never told her. Still, me freezing when he did that and leaving my body (I watched what went on from outside myself while my body was empty- just frozen) and then the thoughts about how my mom wouldn't believe me and would still blame me were confusing.

****end trigger*****

Chances are a "normal" little girl would have fought back when boys did that. A girl that learned there was no point in fighting back would have just froze and was unable to do anything.

I would guess that this wasn't the cause of your dissociation, only a sign of it.

Actually, freezing in moments of fear is normal. But most people don't know that, and consequently people who freeze experience a lot of guilt about it, and others blame them and call them liars if they say they didn't intend to freeze.

ashesoflife wrote:I have always been that way. Any type of contact I don't like, I freeze. I don't know what to do.

I can relate to your story in a way. Closeness of any type seems to make me freeze. The running thoughts too.

ashesoflife wrote:I would guess that this wasn't the cause of your dissociation, only a sign of it.

Yeah, I think so too. My PDoc has been trying to see if there was anything significant earlier, but I can't recall anything. My father had periods of dissociation and fugue, so it seems there may be a hereditary component, but I've never read of there being a predisposition to developing it. Sigh, I don't know. But again, maybe it doesn't matter.

Una+ wrote:Actually, freezing in moments of fear is normal. But most people don't know that, and consequently people who freeze experience a lot of guilt about it, and others blame them and call them liars if they say they didn't intend to freeze.

That's about how I felt. I felt guilty for not fighting back.

Thanks for your feedback.

gSOLO wrote:That's about how I felt. I felt guilty for not fighting back.

I've been learning that feeling guilty for things we have no control over is pointless. It is easier said than done, but getting to the point of "if I could have done something differently, I would have. I didn't have the option. It's not my fault" has helped some.

It's a process and it's not easy. Don't be too hard on yourself. If you could have stopped that stuff you would have.

gSOLO wrote:SOLO: In trying to find a possible reason for my DID, I am taken back to a few experiences I had in middle school. I wonder, am I making a big deal out of nothing? Were these events traumatizing enough to cause dissociation? I wasn’t young enough; there must have been some earlier incident, but there’s nothing I can think of. Perhaps it’s not important to find a reason. Maybe it’s enough to know that whatever the reason, dissociation was my way to deal with it. In any case, I’m wondering, what are your thoughts about the age and severity of trauma when it comes to developing DID?

.

These are just my thoughts as you asked for, not anything I know officially. It's been my experience that dissociation can be something that is learned through other traumatising experiences to a very young child that are not sexually abusive. Once dissociation has been learned very early as a strategy for things that are traumatic it becomes the continued pattern as time goes on.

Additionally the 'not traumatising enough' statement is all a matter of perspective. Growing up there can be a tendency to minimise what is happening to you in order to deal with it. Witness all the people who say 'I was smacked as a child and it never did me any harm'. One has to have real empathy for oneself and what it's like to be a small child with their vulnerable perspective, in order to truly appreciate the level of trauma they experience.

Also the traumatising events have to be taken in context of a whole life background. The experiences of a child who is abducted and subjected to terrible things is one kind of trauma even if they had a secure loving family apart from that experience. Something that appears less shocking and traumatising to an outsider may still have huge impact on a child who's homelife is already very disrupted and lacking in care or is emotionally abusive. Children are also unique. Even within families the ability to resolve the trauma can vary greatly and this is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of each having their own unique range of abilities.

Sorry I wasn't clear from your first post whether the story with the trigger warning was your own or not. It certainly sounded pretty traumatising to me.

Ah, yes, that story was a bit unclear. I sometimes find it easier to tell the story of my own experiences if I distance myself from it like that; to tell it as if it was happening to someone else. The girl in the story was me, the boys who harassed her, were the girls who harassed me.

I think I may have learned to dissociate at an early age, I’m just not sure why I needed to. I see what you’re saying about the level of trauma in a sense, the context in which it happens as well.

Thanks for your comments.

Ok, makes sense about writing the story that way, in which case I would say you're being rather hard on yourself if you think its 'not traumatising enough'.

Do you have some therapeutic support at the moment? A child learns to dissociate because he/she can't handle what's happening to him/her. I certainly would not have made sense of my history on my own, I definitely needed professional help, despite that I also would have said of myself 'but surely this wasn't traumatising enough an event to cause my reaction'.

I'm currently seeing a therapist two times a week, so that's helpful. I feel we're making progress, though there's not a clear goal in mind. I've brought up my concerns with him, about making a big deal out of nothing, and he too seems to imply that maybe I'm being hard on myself. I continue question it though.

I'm also seeing a psychiatrist who interestingly enough, just a couple of days ago said I was being too hard on myself. I guess it's a running theme. Something I'll have to work on.

I've got other ideas as to why I may have turned out this way, but I then go straight back to thinking the events of my past weren't anything special. My minor hardships aren't enough to develop such a rare disorder.

Thanks.

Well, DID is not rare. In North America it affects at least 1% (1 in 100) of the general population. A rare disorder is one affecting 1 in 2000+.