what did your mind feel like??

I understand, the last time I talked to my mom, several months ago,she was her usual verbally abusive self and was recanting some abuse she particularly enjoyed(not abnormal for her), she started to talk about something which triggered me to black out, and well for two months straight, I had a real hard time like you did, I couldn't tell where my body began or ended. And I had a hard time moving, everything was foggy, and I was having a hardtime not floating out. I had a lot of chatter and internal conflict of how to proceed with mom. We all decided to make DH deal with mom's daily phone calls, which pissed her off to go on a rampage and caused even more flashbacks, & trauma. Long story short, in my situation, mom was triggering me over and over again with her gloating about her various abusive behaviour when I was a baby. It still don't know what she said just what she said beforehand, all I know is when I ask about it, I got crying inside and now everything is quiet.

Cutting contact with the abusers, and eventually putting my siblings on email only helped me get to the point of stability that I could see a T(I didn't know how to even put it in words, how do I explain I felt like I was walking in a fog or my body felt heavy, suffocating(T3 told me that was depression). T3 has helped, but coming here was the best thing(and most effective), reading and talking in this forum. Oh, and if you can talk to your ISH, it really helped me alot to make things stable till you can take over. Also, I'm working on better stress coping mechanisms, and learning to set healthy boundaries.
I understand your in a really sh*tty place right now, it took about 6 months for me to feel 'stable' again after that one phone call. About 2 months to stop the floating and numb feeling from happening all the time.

Borg wrote: Long story short, in my situation, mom was triggering me over and over again with her gloating about her various abusive behaviour when I was a baby.

SHE does that too. Pretty awful behavior. Very sadistic and inhuman.

@OP

I used to do that as well, about the hood and boundaries.
When I was a child, I always had a blanket over my head. And I did that until pretty late.
Of course, that made everybody laugh.

Later, I had a dream of such at a difficult moment.

I still wear heavy clothes most of the time, even in summer. Still something people find a right to laugh at and comment on.

One day, I will ...mmm...wrong forum.

Tungsten wrote:I still wear heavy clothes most of the time, even in summer. Still something people find a right to laugh at and comment on.

Ugh, I know! Why can't they understand there is most likely a reason behind my wearing long sleeves instead of teasing me about it and bringing attention to it! My reasons are different cuz I hide for SH reasons, but...still! And I absolutely can't wear shorts in therapy for some reason. I have to wear pants.

dividedtruth89 wrote:

Tungsten wrote:I still wear heavy clothes most of the time, even in summer. Still something people find a right to laugh at and comment on.

Ugh, I know! Why can't they understand there is most likely a reason behind my wearing long sleeves instead of teasing me about it and bringing attention to it! My reasons are different cuz I hide for SH reasons, but...still! And I absolutely can't wear shorts in therapy for some reason. I have to wear pants.

Mmmm, I never wear shorts. In any case, anybody that think they have the right to comment on other people's clothing get a mental big red X on the front of their head.

In other words, they are treated like garbage.

I was rather glad when I recived my diagnosis. I had already determined this would be the correct diagnosis I would receive and I had known for years. I didn't have to do much convincing once I started seeing my first therapist. I brought my journal to show him and explain to him in detail what it felt like when I dissociate and switch. It took just a fand ew sessions and it was confirmed. It helped me with the huge amount of denile I had. Each session was like shoveling garbage out of my head. The two years leading up to this point was a train wrek of me trying to orginize my brain and document and map out my system. It was only after I got to know how things worked inside and had every parts permission that I started to search for a therapist. All in all I'm glad I went throught the process and I wish I could continue my therapy but I can no longer afford it.

SHE does that too. Pretty awful behavior. Very sadistic and inhuman.

Your mom does that too?! I just started to come to grips how she is rather sadistic. She actually thought of herself as inhuman, alien or super human actually. I thought that was...eccentric.

I still wear heavy clothes most of the time, even in summer.

I do that. It'll be 110F and I will not wear shorts. I hate the feeling of my skin exposed on my arms and legs, it hurts(physically, like burning when the wind blows or something is touching me, like grass or a seat belt), weather changes are tough to adjust. I have a hard time telling hot and cold apart anyway, so laugh all they want, I'm going to be comfortable. If they ask, I tell them hot or cold is a state of mind(and tell them they are babies, and laugh a bit, usually stops them O.o).

Borg wrote:

SHE does that too. Pretty awful behavior. Very sadistic and inhuman.

Your mom does that too?! I just started to come to grips how she is rather sadistic. She actually thought of herself as inhuman, alien or super human actually. I thought that was...eccentric.

Lol, yes, the one some might call "mom".
She is not eccentric though, that would be something else.
She is in fact as down to Earth as you can be, but she will make fun of other's emotions. In fact she hates emotions and cannot relate to others in any way.
Does not matter though, how it works out.
But she likes to gloat about my pain, especially from the past. And sometimes she would create it just for the laugh, I am sure.
That has always been a trigger to me I guess, this arrogance. So I just ended up hiding information from her. Anything she can use against me is hidden, which makes conversations pretty short and really makes her mad. But that is how it is going to be. I am mostly no contact anyway, so it just comes about every year or so. I suppose she will try to call around Christmas or something. She needs to keep a front with her family, so she tries every year to make me do that, in vain.

It's taking me a long time to come to terms with my Diagnosis, and initially I'm scared of it.

I'm angry too, at my parents, especially for this past year their ways have been very evident with death threats, intimidation, suppression etc etc being VERY imminent throughout the year. So I have a LOT of anger and frustration that instead of listening and acknowledging they chose to simply walk away as if they never had a child.

I was quite relieved though to have an explanation for my behaviour because it has been SUCH a challenge for me, and now finally there is some sort of explanation for this which is nice. Although I don't understand it, it means that it is not me being out of order, nor is it me making stuff up or any of that - which is a relief because for a while what I was experiencing and saying was SO absurd I questionned myself, "is this real?" "Did that happen?" "Did I experience that or am I making it up?"

And it's clarification that I'm not making it up.

she likes to gloat about my pain, especially from the past. And sometimes she would create it just for the laugh, I am sure.

Yes, mine too. I mostly remember the stuff from this past year that she did. And all the problems, twisted games she'd play. I'm sorry you don't have any delusions of grandeur that you can laugh about, it's my only positive memories of mom, the egg donor. ((Hugs if wanted))

I think alot of people here have parents like that...twisted. I have alot of anger at them too. But at least now I know why I'm so weird. Plus why the dr.s couldn't find anything physically wrong with the manifestations I was experiencing.

I like the descriptive label "egg donor".
I am a little weird in the fact that I always called her by her first name, and never with her functional name of mother. I suppose it is rare, but I simply never connected with the word in relation to her.

I have some good memories of her when we are with others. In those cases, there is some complicity because it is us vs them. But when alone, it is just her vs me, which is not good.