To believe or not to believe?

I can't get over my one lost time experience. I think about it all the time, I "ask inside" I have asked in my journal, I never seem to get any answers.

This morning, I tried really meditating, and trying to talk to this "part". I got this sensation that I was in a completely darkened room, and that someone with very little feet was running past me. It was weird. I've had these kinds of sensations before, but I always get "thrown out". It's like I've actually gone inside, but then all of a sudden I am back in my own room. Like waking up from a dream, yet I know I wasn't asleep.

Is there ANY OTHER CONDITION that would cause me to lose time like I did? Because it only happened...1 to 3 times, I can't be sure. But I KNOW it happened once when I was in the hospital. There was EVIDENCE. I can't deny this. I have told my T, in a roundabout way, but she seems to be treading very softly on the subject, as am I.

To believe I have DID is silly right now, because I don't seem to be experiencing the symptoms. The fact that I was so symptomatic one time though makes me Why would this alter(if that's what it was) just go away like it did? Why wouldn't he/she try to come out again? Why no communication? Do they know how to communicate with me? I have tried so hard to "talk" to them, but it just doesn't seem to go anywhere.

The only thing that keeps me on this forum is the fact that I lost time at least once, six months ago now.

Dissociative amnesia as a symptom occurs in many disorders, including its own disorder. And it occurs in otherwise normal people who are experiencing extreme stress. Your therapist is wise to be in wait-and-see mode.

Well, it was indeed a stressful day(albeit the seizure, lol). But when I lost time, it was(I think)immediately after a nurse covered me up with a blanket

Divided, I think your train of thought is making you go in circles. You are fairly certain you had an incident of lost time in the hospital. But to try to discern exactly the cause, and more specifically if it happened due to DID or something else, is like trying to shoot an arrow at an invisible target. Quite honestly I feel like you're asking the wrong questions. You're putting all your effort into figuring out whether "parts" caused your losing time on those very few occasions. Thinking about it and analyzing it and dissecting those incidents isn't going to get you anywhere. The fact that you've had several incidences of lost time is helpful information to have, but will be extremely difficult to find answers in the incidences themselves.

I think the larger question isn't what caused your lost time, but whether you have dissociated ego states or alters. That's what you're wanting to figure out, isn't it? And it sounds like at this point you just don't know yet. You know you have strong mood states, so it's possible you have DDNOS with some incidents of dissociative amnesia but that you don't have alters. That's the conclusion I've come to for myself, because I don't have enough evidence to support the alternative. Yet, that is. Sometimes I think we just have to work with what we have. I need to trust that the answers will come and that things will be made more clear as I go along - and that if I do have alters, that they will make themselves known to me. I feel like I've done my part. I've asked, I'm open, and I'm waiting. If they are there, now it's their turn to clue me in. Otherwise I'm like a dog chasing its tail: running running and running but getting nowhere.

[please excuse my bluntness in this response. I feel like we know each other well enough that I can be straightforward. I apologize if it came across harsh or anything. I didn't mean for it to be. I just wasn't sure I could get my point across without being as direct as I was. Please do correct me if I am wrong on any of it.]

Yes, if alters are present eventually they will make themselves known to you. It can be a long wait, though. For me the wait was 10 months from my most recent significant episode of lost time, to hearing from that alter about what happened.

Well, I'm feeling a lot better after a 2 hour cry/nap/cuddling stuffed animal session. It's been a rough day...depression is getting to me. I look back on all the times when I was obviously depressed when I was younger, and feel sorry I knew nothing about it then, to give it a name. My mom would just ask me "why do you frown so much? you're just sad all the time lately, is there something wrong with you?" Yes! I wish I would have said. It's called depression, not a demon, and not a demon of depression.

Una+ wrote:For me the wait was 10 months from my most recent significant episode of lost time, to hearing from that alter about what happened.

Okay. I'll wait 4 more months. If nothing by then, I'm resposting this topic.



JK-thanks Una for your informative responses. Brandic, nothing wrong with your being direct. I'm glad you were. As usual, your reasoning makes perfect sense. Silly to try to dissect the incidents. Better to just keep it on the back burner, and if I need to pull it up later, I can.

Why would this alter(if that's what it was) just go away like it did? Why wouldn't he/she try to come out again? Why no communication? Do they know how to communicate with me?

IDK. I've had that happen, where it was difficult to just read a book without interjectory comments making me lose my spot so many times. Then I told them to just keep it quiet so I can read and told them to reach me at night. But then it was so loud I needed rest, so I told them to be quiet. So they did. Now it's like, um. are you there? I think I pissed them off. So now I have to kiss and make up, and am worried I made it all up.
Not saying you pissed them off, just maybe yours are hiding in the background too?

Perhaps at the moment it is time for YOU to do some self discovery and some healing without trying to see if tehre is anyone else inside who also needs this. As eveyrone has said, they will come in time. Until then, divided, you are already being torn in so many places at once by life I really urge you to try and take a break from this detective work and just try to come to terms with what you know IS going on for you at the moment. Perhaps your ruminations over all this are covering up what is actually going on for you at this present day because it is too painful. The family stuff you are going through are pretty extreme. Give yourself time to focus on this if you can.

Bourbon

bourbon wrote:Until then, divided, you are already being torn in so many places at once by life I really urge you to try and take a break from this detective work and just try to come to terms with what you know IS going on for you at the moment. Perhaps your ruminations over all this are covering up what is actually going on for you at this present day because it is too painful. The family stuff you are going through are pretty extreme. Give yourself time to focus on this if you can.

Yes.

i hope it is okay that i posted that picture, i stumbled across it recently, and it just rang so true to me, so i am sharing it with you, divided. i'm not active here much for many reasons, but i do read every thread, and have been for the majority of this year.

that said, divided, i admire your tenacity in wanting to discover what it is that is "wrong" with you... i admire your drive for discovery and understanding, and i even admire your skepticism over your own MPD/DiD/alters... but.

the same thing has happened to me, i've 'known' i was MPD/DiD since 2007, but never did much research until this year, after i fell into a huge pit of doubt/denial, worse than ever before... and i can tell you, reading everything, everywhere, every bit, trying to place yourself in it, seeing what you relate to, what you don't, personal stories, scientific research, therapy techniques.... it's all well and good, it's GOOD to be knowledgable in this, especially with such a "bizarre" experience of dissociation et al.... it can end up destroying you from the inside out, and cause you to start negating your own experiences, or embellishing the untruths...

you already know this intense internal debate, and you've expressed your swiftly oscillating viewpoints... and i think you've seen that sometimes... sometimes you can lose YOURSELF in it... it can end up being way more damaging in the end... i am in the same place, and am learning now i need to step back and regain the focus on MYSELF again....

this board, i love it, despite my lack of activity, for i find it a huge wealth of mostly-unbiased information, mature perspectives... and i wish i could participate more, but at this time, i am much more comfortable lurking, and learning at a distance. i see myself in many of you, and many of you in me...

i'm rambling, as i tend to do... but. the advice offered on this board, the views, the links, the info, the support, the understanding, is amazing, but take care not to lose Yourself. even if there are 'more than just you' somewhere inside.... don't lose that. it's a slippery slope, and can often wind you up in a much unhealthier place than you intended.

good luck, divided, you've got a really good head on your shoulders, trust that. trust yourself. ima upshut now, before i get too rambly and stop making any semblance of sense. take care.

peace.

~*entropy*~