feeling #######5

It's only 4 am and I already know it's gonna be a rotten day. Ugh I'm glad I'm going to work. I wish my T appointment wasn't so far away, four days from now. It's so hard to wait.

Why does the SH get worse? Now I realize it's connected to certain memories, but I still don't think those memories are all that terrible. It's not abusive or traumatic in my opinion. Just a rotten situation that happened, where I did something that changed my life forever. I won't go into too much detail, but it has to do with the whole "estrangement from my Dad and his family when I was 10." At the time I thought I was doing the right thing. At the time I regretted nothing. So why would it be such a trigger? Why not just a regret I have now? This is all very confusing. I don't remember anything more than I remembered before, just found the parallels to certain memories, that's all. Reasons for why I'm scared of knocks on the door. It all makes sense now why that still bothers me. 2 incidents in particular. Remember the second one.

Wow i'm not in a good place not at all i miss my old T. In 4 sessions she knew more about me than this T has known in 3 months. I was so much more vulnerable. I put up so many walls now.

I'm sorry divided that you are feeling so rotten. I am somewhat lacking in substance today but I am thinking of you and sending you healing warm thoughts.

Bourbon

dividedtruth89 wrote:Why does the SH get worse? Now I realize it's connected to certain memories, but I still don't think those memories are all that terrible. It's not abusive or traumatic in my opinion. Just a rotten situation that happened, where I did something that changed my life forever.

So why would it be such a trigger? Why not just a regret I have now?

I'm sorry if I'm over stepping any boundries and you have every right to tell me I'm wrong, to shut up, and whatever else.

I remember reading something you wrote before and I am making a guess about the rotten situation when you were 10.

When I read this thread, a little voice in the back of my head said the following:

"She hasn't forgiven herself. She is hurting herself to punish herself for something she thinks she did wrong. She didn't know any better. She has to forgive herself."

I don't know where this is coming from, but that is what I got from reading your post.

Again, if my words have upset you, I'm very sorry. The slight chance that they may help is the reason I risked posting this.

I hope your day goes well.

I had the exact same response that ashesoflife had. I was struck by the fact that you were 10. That is extremely young. You are still a little child at ten, and when you're surrounded by those who lie and invalidate your experience, it's impossible to think straight, let alone make rational, adult-level life decisions. I've had to look up photos and videos of children to remind myself just how young and clueless four- and seven- and ten-year-old children are.

I'm no expert at SH, though my own intentions at it have been pretty serious, like readying myself to smash my head into a solid wall. Sphinx + Jonathan have fortunately prevented that throughout adulthood by making me lose time. The most I've done is pound on my face and head. I know that it's always uncontrollable, irrational anger turned back on myself, frustration at some impossible situation that turns into frustration at how stupid I am.

Do try to forgive yourself if that has any resonance. Ten years old, and influenced by an irrational, abusive person on top of that, is simply too young to be held accountable.

What stands out for me is the absence of feelings. I expect they are dissociated; some other part of you is holding them for you and they are painful. The SH is a way of communicating that dissociated pain to you through your body, so that perhaps you will pay attention, recognize this part, acknowledge and accept and finally heal the pain this part has carried for you for so many years.

bourbon wrote:I'm sorry divided that you are feeling so rotten. I am somewhat lacking in substance today but I am thinking of you and sending you healing warm thoughts.

Bourbon

Thank you Bourbon, your words are always a comfort.

Una+ wrote:What stands out for me is the absence of feelings.

I honestly can't explain what this emotion was before/during the SH. There was a sense of urgency, and maybe a mix of anger/sadness/fear, but I couldn't tell. I would say panic, but it wasn't that serious. Just very urgent. I started to feel it on my break at work today(for some reason WHILE I'm working I am able to get very easily distracted), but it was those same feelings...almost fearful, but mixed with other stuff. Lol I talk about emotions like they are drinks

Una+ wrote:The SH is a way of communicating that dissociated pain to you through your body, so that perhaps you will pay attention, recognize this part, acknowledge and accept and finally heal the pain this part has carried for you for so many years.

This I don't get. BEcause I DEFINITELY think I feel the pain, though not all the time, often.

ashesoflife wrote:"She hasn't forgiven herself. She is hurting herself to punish herself for something she thinks she did wrong. She didn't know any better. She has to forgive herself.

But I did know better. And I knew better when I saw my DAd for the last time when I was...13 or 14. I literally told him he wasn't my father anymore, that my stepdad was my dad, and then shut the door in his face. Yes I am very much to blame. It was very much my choice. You didn't upset me, but I don't understand why I can't get others to understand that it was my fault. I was older by that time. Yes there are lots of other incidents that happened before that that I don't remember, but that one I was older and in my right mind. It's not something I ever forgot. It's just that I didn't start caring about it till now.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Do try to forgive yourself if that has any resonance. Ten years old, and influenced by an irrational, abusive person on top of that, is simply too young to be held accountable.

It's not just the ten year old, but the 14 year old too. Mainly the 14 year old.

My stepmother and my relationship is healing, but I can't forget the words she told me about a year ago. That she would never forgive me for causing my Dad so much pain. I get the sense she's forgiven me now, but now it's my job to not forgive since she has.

Sorry. I understand how irrational and ridiculous this sounds. If I were talking to a 10 year old or a 14 year old in this situation, I would have the utmost sympathy for them. But this is different. This is me. Not to mention, my stepmom is the one who lived with my dad all those years, go to know my grandmother, she knows better than I do what kind of pain I've caused.

dividedtruth89 wrote:Yes I am very much to blame. It was very much my choice. You didn't upset me, but I don't understand why I can't get others to understand that it was my fault. I was older by that time. Yes there are lots of other incidents that happened before that that I don't remember, but that one I was older and in my right mind.

Divided~ The thing is... what good is it doing by continuing to blame yourself? Does it really matter if it was your "fault" or not? I would challenge your claim that it was your fault, but I don't know if that would necessarily help, or if it even matters. I'm wondering why you continue to blame yourself for something you did that - ultimately - ended up hurting you the most. Okay, it may have hurt your father at the time, but it sounds like he's forgiven you and moved on. Right? So what good is it to keep blaming yourself? You obviously feel like you deserve to be blamed. And yet, you're keeping yourself hostage. The people involved in the situation who were hurt (specifically your dad) have moved on and forgiven you. (I don't even think you were to blame, but again, that's another issue.) I personally don't believe you deserve to be tormenting yourself in the present over something that happened in the past. We all make mistakes. I've done some horrible, horrible things that involved other people. And yet at some point, we have to recognize that we are not the same person we were then. If we could go back, we would do it differently. If you could go back, you would do it differently. Don't you think that deserves a little credit?

It's not your fault.
It reminds me of a friend I had in HS. Everytime, we got close, he would lash out, rage and all, not talk to me and stuff. But I knew it wasn't his fault. And to just wait, for him to come back, it might have taken weeks or months, but in time he came back and we could hangout again. He came from a cr*appy background. I always knew that he would lash out(nothing major) at me cause it was okay, he wasn't mad at me, I was just a safe person to vent to, and I always accepted him back. I think your dad does too.
Seriously, you were a kid. Your dad sounds like he understands, I might even say that he understood then too.

brandic wrote:Divided~ The thing is... what good is it doing by continuing to blame yourself? Does it really matter if it was your "fault" or not? I would challenge your claim that it was your fault, but I don't know if that would necessarily help, or if it even matters. I'm wondering why you continue to blame yourself for something you did that - ultimately - ended up hurting you the most.

This is the million dollar question. I don't know why I can't get out of the "it's my fault" feeling. I hear all your words. I see your logic. I see my T's logic. But yet it is soooo firmly ingrained in my entire sense of being somehow. My T says there were so many involved, it would be impossible to blame any one person, but especially unreasonable to blame me, the child. I know this. It's very clear. Yet....I continue to labor under this delusion. Yes, it truly does seem like a delusion.

It's not a delusion. It's a long-ingrained belief. (Albeit, a false one.) It's one thing to recognize that something we are doing is unhelpful or unhealthy. It's another thing entirely to change it. Especially when it comes to our own beliefs. Especially when it comes to self-blame.

You are not at all delusional. You have had an extremely painful life. You were caught in the crossfire of the two people who are supposed to love and protect and support you. One of them tried turning you on the other. The other one you were manipulated into rejecting - and yes, you were manipulated into doing it. You truly didn't know better. And then to add insult to injury, your step-mom heaps loads of blame on you for that so-very-painful situation.

I am a firm believer that we are subjects of our environment. Which isn't to say that we can't change the things we were taught to believe. But... it isn't easy. And it takes a long time.

At least you are recognizing that it really isn't helpful to be blaming yourself. That's a big first step. The rest will come, in time, and with the help of your T. In the meantime, if it's even possible, just imagine turning the dial down on the self-blame just one little notch. Not turning the dial off. Not throwing away the dial. Just down one little notch. Baby steps.