I'm spiraling away

***Trigger warning- denial and ranting***

I spent the evening with my parents. We had a nice time together watching old family videos. Well, nice in the sense of spending time with my parents and laughing a lot. Not nice in the sense of not being able to actually place myself in those videos. It was like watching scenes from a movie that I've never seen before. It was bizarre.

I'm wondering however...

Why do I even think I have a dissociative disorder in the first place? Why do I think my parents had anything to do with the things I struggle with today? Maybe it's biological. Maybe it's the trauma that occurred outside the family and the family's awareness. Maybe it's my oversensitivity. Maybe it's the car accident my parents were in when I was in my mom's belly. Maybe it's my PTSD.

Maybe I don't have a dissociative disorder at all.

If I had a dissociative disorder, wouldn't that lead to the conclusion that I had relatively unsupportive parents and an unstable home life? And that I endured trauma early on in my life?

I truly think I may have it all wrong. My parents are just regular people who have their problems just like anyone else. Okay, my mom might be a bit emotionally shut down. And okay, my dad might have a bit of a problem with anger every once in a blue moon. But these things don't cause severe dissociative disorders! It just doesn't make sense! So many of you describe torturous childhoods with sadistic and narcissistic parents. Okay, my mom might be a little out of it, and not tuned in to others feelings, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care. She cares in her own way.

One of the home videos showed my mom sitting next to me on a boat, rubbing the back of my neck. What the hell. I have been convinced for years that my mom is completely cold and unaffectionate. That she never hugged me or expressed her love in outward, physical ways. And yet I saw with my own eyes a video of her rubbing the back of my neck. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Why do I not remember anything like that? Actually now that I think about it, I do remember her giving me back rubs when my back would be hurting me. But that was because I asked. This seemed like a spontaneous gesture. Again, doesn't make any sense.

I never even considered the possibility that I might have DID, or a dissociative disorder, or parts until I was hospitalized, and I met people with DID. And what if it's possible that it intrigued me, that I wanted so much to make sense of all the craziness that I experience that I took that on as my experience. Because I wanted it to make sense.

What if my parents aren't to be blamed for anything????????????????????????????? What if I'm the one with the problem in my family. Me and only me. Everyone else seems to be doing just fine. My brother has a family and is currently going through a very rigorous professional training program. He has never had any mental health issues. Well, okay he can be a complete jerkoff (sorry, excuse my language). But all things considered, he is a fully functioning adult. I, on the other hand, have been in therapy for ten years, was in and out of psych hospitals for a year, cannot maintain close friendships, struggle with depression and panic and anxiety and rage on a daily basis, and overall feel completely out of control of my life and my emotions. Somehow I'm able to hold down a job and maintain the facade that I am completely fine. But inside I'm not fine. I'm totally screwed up.

If everything I'm saying is true, that completely throws a wrench in things. Maybe I shouldn't be seeking out a T who specializes in dissociative disorders after all. Maybe I'm trying to get affirmation for something fabricated. A lie. Isn't real, doesn't exist. Maybe I am perpetuating the problem by believing it's true. Oh god.

Is coming on this forum helping or hurting me? Maybe it's keeping me under the belief in something false - specifically that I am like you all, that I struggle with dissociation. That I have a dissociative disorder. Says who? A couple therapists who I was able to convince as much?

What would happen if I started operating under the assumption that I don't have a DD. Okay PTSD maybe, those symptoms are near impossible to deny. But what if that's all it is. Simple. Done. And yet why hasn't therapy helped me thusfar to feel connected to my life. Why does my life not even feel like my life?

If I could have one wish, it would be that I could have one day of relief from all this mental and emotional insanity. I want to feel peaceful and happy and connected and rooted in reality for one entire day. Just imagine what kind of life I could lead if I was free from all of this? A part of me wants to believe I could do so much, that I could go so far. And yet most days, just driving to work and back is nearly more than I can even ask of myself. Not to mention that my work require that I be on, 100% of the time. I take care of a child, and I would be damned if I didn't do the best job I possibly could. This family has entrusted me to basically help parent their little one. I take this responsibility very seriously. But what that means is that I have to put all my $#%^ aside for eight hours a day so that I can be there for that child. It's waiting for me, like a big loyal labrador retriever, right at the door as I leave.

And I thought I could become a psychologist... who the hell am I kidding! I can barely take care of myself. How can I expect myself to help take care of others?!

This is not good. This is not good at all.

I really think I need some sleep. :/

brandic wrote:I take this responsibility very seriously. But what that means is that I have to put all my $#%^ aside for eight hours a day so that I can be there for that child. It's waiting for me, like a big loyal labrador retriever, right at the door as I leave.

I want to address this first. This is awesome. Go you for putting aside your own feelings so that you can focus on the child's well being. You are making a serious positive on his/her mental health now and for the future. Go you! I wish I could do the same. This actually inspires me and makes me want to do something, anything, for the kids in my community. I'll have to think more on this later...

brandic wrote:I spend the evening with my parents. We had a nice time together watching old family videos. Well, nice in the sense of spending time with my parents and laughing a lot. Not nice in the sense of not being able to actually place myself in those videos. It was like watching scenes from a movie that I've never seen before. It was bizarre.

This is how I felt watching the video of my Dad's and Stepmom's wedding. It was one of the last times I saw them before things started to REALLY go chaotic. During the reception, I look bored at times(what 9 year old wouldn't be) but I also am obviously having fun most of the time. Dancing, crawling under the tables, playfully putting my hand up to the camera lense to hide the view. Not to mention my Grandmother coming up to me and sitting next to me, just talking and smiling. It looks like we might have had some kind of connection then.

brandic wrote:If I had a dissociative disorder, wouldn't that lead to the conclusion that I had relatively unsupportive parents and an unstable home life? And that I endured trauma early on in my life?

From what I've read in your posts, it sounds like all this is accounted for except for your early trauma. But you know it was there because of your PTSD symptoms.

The truth will set you free, brandic. It might indeed be true that your parents really did try to be loving and understanding, but they weren't available when you really needed it. I too have thought...maybe it was some kind of horrible trauma that occurred outside the home. But wouldn't that make sense? If something had happened, do you think you would have tried to go to your parents about it? Or would you have known deep down they may not be there for you?

When I was in 8th grade, I was bullied. A LOT. It was so destructive to my entire being. If you don't count that I had been picking at cuts since I could ever remember, this would be when I began self injury. I always went to my mom about the bullying/bad things that happened at school. But her reaction was over-reactive. She would call up the teachers and yell at them, she would try to get me to get angry about the situation. But now, I realize, what I really needed was for her to comfort me. I needed to use that time as practice for expressing my feelings of overwhelming sadness, not anger. Was she trying to help, caring in her own way? I believe, yes. But in the end, what I believe to be her projection didn't help me at all. She subconsciously used the situation(and many other situations)as outlets for her own anger, and camouflaged it as "protecting her children."

brandic wrote:Is coming on this forum helping or hurting me? Maybe it's keeping me under the belief in something false - specifically that I am like you all, that I struggle with dissociation. That I have a dissociative disorder. Says who? A couple therapists who I was able to convince as much?

I struggle with this as well. I don't feel like I really started to dissociate until I started therapy. But when I look back, I was becoming extremely child-like in therapy, before I even heard the term dissociation. I was complaining about feeling like the session was too short, and that I didn't feel like I could remember it all. The volume was being turned down when my therapist spoke sometimes, and I answered, even repeated her question, even though I can honestly tell you I DIDN'T HEAR THE QUESTION. I am pretty sure I lost time maybe 2 or 3 times, all on the same day.

But do any of these things happen now? No. Am I having severe outbursts of rage now? No. Do I feel relatively stable, aside from getting the urge to cut and crying at least once a day? Yes. So, I am in the same place. I don't even feel like I have anything really wrong with me anymore, aside from the fact that I feel like I have no identity whatsoever. No career aspirations, no dreams, no drive to do anything except ride my bike to work and therapy. I actually have to go to work now...but please don't be so hard on yourself. PLEASE. You are doing wonderful things for yourself by pursuing this. You are on your own journey. It's obvious you dissociate. It runs on a continuum, so it may not be on the far end like others here, but that doesn't mean you have it any easier. It doesn't mean your pain is less, or what you have gone through is less. A label won't make the pain real. The pain is real when you are screaming into a pillow and don't know why, throwing things, or crying uncontrollably with seemingly unknown causes. This is the proof of the pain hidden somewhere. If you can stick it out, and find the source of this pain, you can begin truly heal. For now, put a bandaid on the pain for now, though, by not being so hard on yourself.

Hugs if wanted

dividedtruth89 wrote:A label won't make the pain real. The pain is real when you are screaming into a pillow and don't know why, throwing things, or crying uncontrollably with seemingly unknown causes. This is the proof of the pain hidden somewhere. If you can stick it out, and find the source of this pain, you can begin truly heal. For now, put a bandaid on the pain for now, though, by not being so hard on yourself.

Yes, you are right. It all boils down to pain. If nothing else, I know I have immense pain. Pain that I have no idea where it comes from. I don't know how much longer I can bear it. I am so very tired. I don't know if I can stick it out. Doesn't it get to a point where it just becomes too hard?

Ugh I'm so very tempted to delete this whole post. Sorry I've wasted everyone's time with my verbal vomit. (sorry bourbon...)

-- Sat Dec 03, 2011 1:23 am --

I just realized something. I think spending time with my family increases this pain rather than decreases it. So it really doesn't matter if they were the "cause" of my dissociation, what matters is that being around them makes me feel like $#%^. I wonder why that is. On the surface they seem like such good parents.

On the surface, my parents seemed like good parents, too. We even had moments where it was all nice and happy and peaceful. I think a lot of abusive childhoods are that way, actually. And especially when you're looking at photos/videos of events...they aren't going to take video of them screaming at you or hurting you and showing it to you (well, unless they're even bigger monsters than you thought they were! ). You're going to see the good times. Or at least the neutral times. Not the awful times.

You're obviously in pain and have things going wrong. I don't think you should just jump to automatically vilifying your parents when you can't remember, but it doesn't mean you're fabricating or faking anything just because you can't remember early trauma yet, or because you saw them being nice to you. My parents were nice to me sometimes, it's why I could still love them. It's like that nursery rhyme, almost. When they were good, they were very very good. But when they were bad, they were horrid.

Might help to think of it a bit like that.

On the surface, my parents are good parents too. Especially in the present day. On the surface, I too am the only person in the family with mental health problems and my sister is excelling at life; therefore is it my fault I reacted this way, am I weak?

I go through periods of thinking like that all the time.

You're not fabricating anything. You are feeling the way you are feeling and that is what is important here. You're not pretending to have a dissociative disorder. You are going through massive struggles of trying to make sense of what you do have. But absolutely tearing yourself up inside and blaming yourself and telling yourself you're making it all up to fit in is only going to make you feel like $#%^. Let yourself experience what you do experience without trying to work out if you're making it up or not. It has all got to fit at some level otherwise your search to find out what is wrong would have lead you onto a different path. I too think I fooled Remy into thinking I have DID. This doesn't mean I don't have DID. It means I can't trust even an expert to deal with my complexities.

I'm sorry you trip to your parents led you down this path of denial and self torture.

I wish I could help.

Bourbon

*hugs if wanted*

I'm agreeing with everyone else on here, you've all taken the words out of my mouth!

Divided and Bourbon with pretty much their whole post, I agree with everything that was said there, and you yourself Brandic with your observation about how there must be something there somewhere for you to react in this way to your parents for whatever reason. That you don't know what that reason is, and I can only imagine how frustrating that must be for you, doesn't mean that it isn't at least one there.

Absence of Proof is Not Proof of Absence. One of my favourite sayings, and applicable here.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you the answers you seek. All I can do is to say that I hear you. I know what you are going through must be so draining, and frustrating, and plagueing you with doubts. Hold on. Keep fighting, keep that chin of yours up in the air, and hang in there kitty.

If you've never seen, or rather, heard it before, this is a fantastic thing to listen to when feeling anxious and worried. I love the story behind it, too.

http://www.zefrank.com/chillout/

And btw, like divided I have nothing but respect for you for your attitude towards your job. That's a lucky kid right there to be under your care. You're a credit to yourself and your profession

It sounds like you were the scapegoat of your family.
In my family, the scapegoat was the one that carried the burden so that the others can function, the focal point of their projections. It helped them not look at themselves so that they didn't have to address the real issues, instead, they focused on me. I made my family do those things, they didn't do it, I did, etc. We are trained to deny ourselves and perceptions to keep up the mask and charade. When they loose their scapegoat,(the really loony ones) their madness tends to leak out, (they tend to find another quickly, leaks aren't fun) plus with age the mask they put on starts to disintegrate. It can be fun to watch.

With emotional abuse, you can't see it, at least I didn't, you can deny it easier. When you step back for a bit, it's easier to see, it's like you are so close to the elephant, all you see is it's butt, and you say, that's not an elephant, it's a leather couch, but in reality, it's the elephant's butt, one just needs to step back enough from the situation to see it. That's where Ts help, they are outside looking in.

You feel what you feel for a very valid reason.

Your body or heart is whispering to you, listen. Dysfunctional families tell us, not to listen to our heart, listen to the abuser, but no, trust yourself, your heart wants the best for you. Sometimes our heart says something is wrong, but the family says no, it's not, trust yourself.

What pattern do you see? What adjectives describe the people in your life that cause you grief? selfish, out of touch, cold, wishy-washy, flaky, it's like a spectrum, they may not be Narcs. but maybe passive-aggressive, it still sucks, and it hurts.

And I thought I could become a psychologist.

I still think you can. You are very insightful, families are hard, we are so close, it's hard to see, that's normal.

Heh. I thought my father was the good parent until I visited with him a few months ago. I said something that triggered him and suddenly he turned into a monster. I saw exactly why I have DID.