dissociative w/o amnesic barriers?

Ashley, from all you describe, I know you have come to the right place. As you've seen there are many people with similar experiences here who will be happy to share knowledge or insights with you. And if you spend some time here, you will probably even end up helping someone in a similar situation, which is always gratifying and makes one feel less alone. You definitely will realize over time here that you are not crazy. You may have a dissociative condition but it likely arose as a protective coping mechanism when you were young and is not a biological illness. It is quite treatable and in fact essentially curable. As someone parented by abusers, I believe that your clear desire to be there fully for your little boy is an incredibly important and positive factor in his development. Virtually every emotion or experience you mentioned will show up on another thread somewhere here. Not at all meant to denigrate your experience, just to let you know many of us do understand.

Ashley,

I have had, at one time or another, ALL of the symptoms you describe. At first, I wasn't even aware of the amnesiac barriers, but now I can't believe how in denial I was. I, too, don't like looking in mirrors. Sometimes it's like being in a ghost movie or something - I look and it's like someone else is looking back. Or it even morphs to a 3rd person while I'm watching. Very spooky so I just try not to look. The depersonalization and derealization you are describing is common, too. Especially when I am under stress, such as when my T points out stuff that is confusing (I like to be in control and get stressed when I'm not).

It is REALLY hard not recognizing people. I get that A LOT. And yes, it makes you want to isolate. I stopped going to the gym after one experience where I went at lunch to yoga and came out and my boss was there and said hi and even though I just saw him like an hour before, I couldn't recognize him. Soooo embarrassing. I know he could tell - I wanted to crawl through the floor when Brian pointed him out to me (thank God for Brian, right?). I usually use this: "Heeeeyyyy! What are YOU doing here?!" Very ambiguous lol.

Don't worry. As you get more used to the idea and find you are not the only one feeling like this, you may come to accept it better. For me, it was nice to know that I just have unusual "coping mechanisms" and not a dead-end diagnosis. Though ANY diagnosis that fits right can be a relief, too. Right?

As for "dissociated ego states," it is my thought that this terminology is used when amnesia is not clear because the DID diagnosis requires amnesia, so they need something else to call it since DDNOS kind of implicates no "head talking"... Though, you have indicated a slight amnesia - amnesia for your "reasons" for feeling a certain way. You may want to explore that a bit.

Well, hang in there. Try focusing on a part of your body at a time (your hands for example, by holding something cold and describing the feeling). That may help to get you a little more grounded. It works with recognition, too (so-and-so has short dark hair and glasses, who do we see with short dark hair and glasses? or This person has green eyes, who do we know with green eyes?)

DeAnna