no longer any doubt about my DID or my alters

It seems not that long ago that I posted that I was still doubting my DID daily. I mean, I knew it was real at one level but I kept having "I'm making this up" thoughts anyway. I don't have them anymore, maybe for weeks. I think the reason is that they've been spending more and more time in the body. There's more "quality time" together. We see what they choose to do, how they act and feel, what hurts them, what they think about, what triggers them, I feel them expressing emotions that make sense but that I know I don't share yet. It's actually a nice relief to accept them as parts of me and as proof of my DID. The worst was when my doubt made my littles cry, as if I didn't believe in them. Yeah, that was awful. Now, I watch them come out and do their thing, be angry for no apparent reason if that's what's there for them, play games, just have some time for themselves, with one or more of us watching and cheering them on if it helps. Odd combinations of alters interacting who never would if they were individuals, like Quato looking after Little John. I find myself wanting to be them. They're real. Well, as real as I am anyway.

I didn't realize how annoying or destabilizing the recurring doubt was until it stopped. It was insulting to them. It was part of me insulting another part of me. Has anyone stopped doubting their DID and their alters? Do you know how it came about? Did the lessening or end of doubt result in greater stability?

Yep, no doubt here.

It came about when I found a great therapist!

Our "No more doubt" moment came yesterday, actually. My microphone cord was tied around its stand and pop filter. That never happens. I usually just let it lie there on the ground. C. tied it for me. Then he called me a "######6 moron" when I tried to tie it the way he did and failed.

When I rediscovered my DD-NOS status in April, I thought that I just had a very vivid imagination and was able to have conversations with myself because everybody else could. Then it turns out that, sure, people talk to themselves, but then they call themselves crazy and move on, or just do it to remember things later. I was having full conversations with my alters on a daily basis for the past decade and just thought it was all in good fun.

I tried testing Zack, TK and C., who were the ones I talked to the most. I told Zack to draw a pic of his rapist, C. to put up post-it notes critiquing his drawing, and TK to... I really don't remember.

Instead, Zack threw a fit and drew Hillary Clinton as Kurt Cobain instead. And there was a critique. I don't think the test was worth it, because I remember C. going to the table, putting post-it notes down and beginning to write on them, then posting them. But its a very vague memory. It was because of this that I thought my brain just wanted to be known as mentally ill, because it was funner or something.

The trick is to actually talk to them and figure out who they really are. This can also cause doubt. If your having a conversation where the next answer is something you don't know and you figure your alter will, but he doesn't, so he makes something up (putting the doubt in your mind), thats normal. People make stuff up everyday to look smart. You have to compare regular human behavior to the behavior of your alters and realize they are people too.

Sometimes were more human than human. Were jackasses, too... we. Are. CHARLIE SHEEN!!!

Its good you don't have doubt anymore, and I gotta tell you I understand the making the littles feel bad bit. Even though Zack is 21, everytime I questioned his existence, he started to break down and cry, shouting "WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE US?!". It was pretty bad. Now, were all good, not fighting against eachother like a few weeks ago.

Unfortunately I have doubt on a daily basis. It is crippling. It makes us all feel like rubbish and I hate the fact that I essentially end up telling my parts that they don't exist. Even though I have been diagnosed by THE man of dissociation in the UK I still have huge doubt. I won't go into detail.

I'm glad you have reached a point in your life where you are fully accepting. Hopefully those denial bumps being eradicated will help with the smoothness of your life and healing.

Bourbon

I have been right inside my head on several occasions listening to Chloe speak. If someone was skeptical, the rest of it could be passed off as "my thoughts" or me behaving oddly for other mental health reasons. But "my thoughts" can't take over my mouth to say stuff whilst I'm actively thinking something else. I can't ignore what I experienced. It was real.

Then there's all the other signs of DID that I have, and which I also have no other concrete explanation for, but which make total sense when viewed within the context of DID. When I add it all up it is clear to me that I have DID.

I don't like thinking about that and I do doubt myself sometimes, but... I either have DID or I'm psychotic (delusional for believing I have DID!). I have some symptoms of psychosis eg hallucinations and paranoia, but these symptoms are present in direct proportion to my anxiety levels, I can use logic and reason to work out what is real whilst experiencing these symptoms, and the mental health team have told me I'm not psychotic. Nor do I feel any affinity with people who are psychotic. I don't understand their way of thinking and I don't fit in. I do feel I fit in amongst people with DID. I don't need any further evidence to be clear about it in my own mind. X

For me the voices have been there for a long time. So it came down to either I was schizophrenic as hell or I was DID. Then add on that I can see them inside, could talk to them and they answered back and had memories that I did not. What are you left with? To be honest I really wanted it to be schizophrenia. Then there would be no questioning what the problem was. Then it seems hard to deny when one is losing time, can’t remember doing things that others say you have done. Or even worse, to me, having others shaking you and yelling at you when you have gone off to your world in side with the others and left this world far behind because you could not take any more.
Or when you talk about the system, the yelling and chaos, coming from inside, telling you not to give up the secret,not to tell, well that is a little hard to miss at least with me. Even more worse, for me, when you see yourself in a third person view, like you’re just along for the ride. Your face and body looks wrong, over sized, out of whack. What is really bad is when you look in the mirror and see a male but get the sense you should be looking at a female. See a doll and get a driving feeling it would be nice to have a doll or see a pair of double strap merry janes that you would just die for to have a pair.
So either one is very crazy or the evidence adds up to your worse fear that at some point you must face or you are just plain screwed.
I’m just sick and tired of keeping the damn secret.
Thomas
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