TRIGGER: Why go to therapy? :(

SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING

So I wish I could say that I am ashamed by my behavior this time, but this time I'm not. Somehow it brings up all these random feelings of sadness, and while I cry thoughts and ideas jump everywhere in my head. It's like a ping pong ball bouncing not back and forth, but all around, crying about one thing one moment, then another thing the next. So as much as I don't advocate self harm, I'm glad I was able to sit with some feelings last night.

I'm having a real problem justifying going to therapy. I don't see how this could be good for me. I think it will hurt me, in the end. Let me explain.

My entire life has been forged on short term relationships. The meaningful ones, the real ones, were short and died, in a metaphorical sense. The fake ones live on, and I am the reason for this. It's like an addiction. I am addicted to non-healthy relationships, namely with my mom and sister.

So why should I even go to therapy? Why should I open up my heart? Am I not PAYING this woman to be nice to me? PAYING her to let me call her in times of crisis? PAYING HER to be present when I cry? Other people have friends who are willing to do this for them. Well I don't. I don't even have a ride to the airport tomorrow, and will probably take a taxi. So WHY can't I be like others and just get some real friends instead of PAYING someone to be my friend.

I know the above isn't true. My wisdom tells me so. I know that somehow there IS a rebuttal for those thoughts. Yet my feelings are not so smart and wise.

But this relationships, like all the others, will end. And when it does, it won't matter that I literally poured out my heart to this person. Because my addition to her paycheck won't be there anymore.

First of all, I just want to tell you how much I totally and completely relate to everything you said. What's the point. They care because they are paid to care.

A part of me believes that. Well, a hurt, wounded part. A defensive part. However, I know that they wouldn't be in the field they are in if they didn't care. If they didn't truly want to help heal people.

You're absolutely right. The therapy relationship isn't going to last forever. It's a constructed relationship that doesn't exist anywhere in the "real world". However, it is extremely symbolic. The therapist isn't going to be your replacement mother or your best friend. But... your therapist is going to model healthy attachment, something most people who are in therapy probably didn't get in some form or fashion, otherwise we wouldn't struggle so much having healthy relationships. Your therapist will model how to be in a relationship with someone who a) cares, b) doesn't expect anything from you, and c) has your best interest at heart. Are we paying for this type of relationship? Yes. Because we can't have it organically. Yet. But that doesnt make it any less meaningful. And just because we are paying them doesn't mean they don't care. I mean, they need to pay their bills somehow, right?

brandic wrote:You're absolutely right. The therapy relationship isn't going to last forever.

Ugh. Hearing it from someone else makes it that much more true. Not that I don't like you're response, thanks, cuz I was hoping someone would answer before I leave for work. But this reality is so devastating.

Divided, it's not going to last forever, but it's not going to end before you are ready for it to end. It's not going to end before you are ready for it to end. Other therapists that you opened up to and trusted ended the relationship waaay before you were ready, all because, in my opinion, of a technicality. That was wrong and it was hurtful. Your current therapist sounds head and shoulders better than the first one. And because of that, you can trust (and I know that this will take time to believe) that she's not going to leave you. When the relationship ends, it will be because YOU end it. And it will be because you are at a different place in your life, and ready to move on. That decision will not be imposed on you. The fact that your previous T (and my previous T) ended things the way they did was a huge breach of trust, and of course you will be skeptical to trust again. But the truth is, therapists get overwhelmed just like we do, and not all of them are able to tolerate it well. Your current T, however, sounds trustworthy. And it sounds like she can handle things much much better than the other one. You are going to be okay. She's not leaving you. You must believe that. And you do have other trustworthy people in your life who can supplement the support of your therapist, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. Even if it's just one friend, that's worth a pot of gold right there.

Divided, having personally broken free of codependency in my childhood family and in my last long-term relationship (thanks to circumstances that forced me -- it wasn't my own achievement really) I can only agree with Brandic, whose first reply sums up perfectly what therapy is about and what it isn't about, at least in my opinion.
Please don't stop yourself from getting professional help because your family failed to provide a safe and supporting environment for you to grow up.

I see therapy as very different to friendship. I'm not in your position regarding friends. I have several friends who I've known ten or twenty years. These are meaningful relationships with people who I may not see or speak to very often (I moved 200 miles away) but I know these people care about me and always will. I feel the same way about them.

But even those people, who I've told "everything" to, it's like only the skeleton. For example, I've said I have a diagnosis of depression but not that I almost end it all about twice a week. My friends can't help with stuff like that and I don't want their emotions about it cluttering up our friendship, getting in the way of us enjoying each others company. Having professional help enables me to work through my issues without overloading my friendships. I don't believe needing therapy has anything to do with whether or not you have friends.

I have never and never will pick up the phone to my friends and tell them I want to die, but I did it to my social worker all the time. As somebody said it's about the relationship you have with these professionals too. It took 6mths after I first met him, for me to stop waiting for my social worker to make a move on me. I knew he was a professional, had a girlfriend, showed no signs of being interested in me & I wasn't interested in anyone in that way, there was too much chaos in my head. But we clicked from the start & we had a lot in common, we got along well. In my experience that meant only one thing: that sooner or later he'd be wanting/ expecting more. After 6mths when I'd finally settled down, I was thinking oh so this is what it's like to have a relationship with a man who has no hidden agenda, who wants nothing from me and gives nothing but kindness and respect. It was something I'd never experienced before & was one of the most important things I learned. X

I have some great friends. But when I talk in therapy, this time round wit Wolf, or previous times round, I don't talk to them as if they are a friend and there's things I say to them, that I wouldn't dream of telling friends. I agree with Kerry that therapy isn't about paying someone to be your friend. It is about way more than that. It is about making you feel better and making your life feel more manageable so you can work on these issues about holding onto unhealthy attachments and so on. Friends aren't there to help you Fix your life. But therapists are. I can hear the anger you are feeling about not having friends who you can talk to about this stuff but remember that we are all here. I know it's not real life but it's someting, right?

Bourbon

Divided,

You ask some good questions. And you are not alone in thinking/asking these questions. I ask myself these questions all the time also. In addition to all of the wonderful replies from everyone above I just wanted to add two additional thoughts.

By paying my therapist, I feel like I can be ultimately selfish with my time talking to him and have no guilt over burdening him with whatever I feel like saying.

But ultimately, the answer I always give myself to the big question of "why go to therapy?"....
Because if I want something different for my life, I have to try doing something differently. Intensive, long term therapy was not something I had tried before. My life wasn't going the way I wanted it to. So if I wanted something different for my life, I had to do something differently. So I decided therapy was it. It has helped a lot. And although you may be feeling the way you are at the moment, and may still feel a bit like that a year and a half later (like I still sometimes do), ultimately if it makes your life better in some way, it is worth it...

Everybody's words are so kind. Brandic, your reply brings tears to my eyes.

dividedtruth89 wrote:So why should I even go to therapy? Why should I open up my heart? Am I not PAYING this woman to be nice to me? PAYING her to let me call her in times of crisis? PAYING HER to be present when I cry? Other people have friends who are willing to do this for them. Well I don't. I don't even have a ride to the airport tomorrow, and will probably take a taxi. So WHY can't I be like others and just get some real friends instead of PAYING someone to be my friend.

It sounds like you need a different therapist. Mine is nothing like that. We get there and he has a list we work on and we get to work. No crying. No talking of the past. Just working on healing DID.

If you need a shoulder to cry on ---- so many of us are here for you!