"everyone has parts"

I am a csa survivor and dissociative. I read here and on other DID forums and identify so much with all of it. But I don't really think I have DID, maybe DDNOS? It is so confusing. I have been with this t for a two years and recently she has been using language of "parts." I am working in a workbook "Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation" and it is really good. It has given me some courage to think and talk a little about my sense of myself as fragmented. Then, i think I had a reaction against this and am filled with self ridicule to think I have parts and even if my childhood was all that bad. I said something like that to t recently when she asked me, after I was talking about changing and confusing feelings, if they were from different parts. I said, oh, I think I am just running away with my imagination about that... She replied, somewhat emphatically, no, no I wasn't, everybody has parts, feels different ways, just that for some the parts are more divided, compartmentalized.... I think once she said for some they take on a life of their own. She seems to see everyone on a sort of continuum. I am not sure if she was just trying to make me feel more normal?

I feel like I have been dealing with this stuff forever and I feel stuck. I don't have any real clear memories of sa (lots of body sensations, nightmares, symptoms, etc.) but my sister has some that are clearer. About 20 years ago it is as if all the sa stuff bubbled up to the top and I was in therapy for a few years and had ts talk to me about dissociation, maybe even in a support group for sa or dissociation? i don't remember it, but there are notes in my journal: goal-dissociate less. ha, ha Then it is as if i shut it all down and only the functional part of me continued on and built career and had kids etc. After my mother died, 2 years ago, I fell apart a bit and here I am again. At the beginning, it feels like.

I wonder if how I experience myself is like normal person or more dissociative? I don't think of these parts as separate people, but more like separate tracks or lenses. I feel like there is always an observer me watching in the background. When I was little it was like a narrator, kind of comforting. My t keeps telling me i need to believe myself, accept my feelings/parts/perspectives are valid. Valid how? And what to do with them?

True Feelings(parts???) that I am trying to accept:

Young feelings:

little, longing for comfort (desperately wants t or mommy)

scared frozen waiting

numb and disappeared anesthetized

Constant Intrusive Voice (feeling? distrust?):
sneering, distrustful, skeptical-you are an embarrassment, do not get your hopes up, that is stupid, no one is going to take care of you, no one cares for you, people will like you if you are useful (pay them, take care of them, do work for them) and don’t bother and annoy them, that is the real fact, like it or not, there is no evidence whatsoever to the contrary, call me a b***h if you want to, but I am the only one looking after us

Main Me Feelings:

moderator - it’s okay, I am going to stay in the driver’s seat, I’ll moderate all emotions, allow some, filter others, let the numbing part take over as needed, the main thing is to stay in complete control of self, the environment is easily manipulated, I can keep us safe and sound, keeping fingers on the mute button, favoring Intellectual and Spiritual me’s, in close consultation from mean voice

Intellectual- The world is a fascinating place and people are complex and interesting as well. Most people mean well and are just limited. No need for meanness or neediness. Everything can be analyzed and figured out.

Spiritual/mother- we are all connected, others need love and care and compassion, no one means to be mean, everyone is good at heart, no one can hurt me, i care for everyone. Positive and optimistic. Sees good in everyone. Looks for silver lining. Everyone likes this me best.

I think t wants me to validate little feelings and comfort them myself. I don't think she quite understands how one cancels the other out. The nurturing part of me really doesn't feel feelings very much. When I try to hear little part while in adult part it is like holding a crying whining toddler and just wanting to strangle it. I don't feel compassion at all.

I am sorry if this just sounds crazy and doesn't belong here. Thank you for letting me get it out.

Your title is correct. Everyone does have parts!

Google: IFS - Internal Family Systems Therapy - It's working with the parts of the normal brain.

"just that for some the parts are more divided, compartmentalized...."

Yes, this is DDNOS or DID

"I don't think of these parts as separate people, but more like separate tracks or lenses. "

They are NOT separate people - not in DID or DDNOS. They are all parts of one brain that have been dissociated. They are more separate than the ego states or parts of a normal brain. When they are like this, more separate and dissociated, they are called alters instead of ego states.

Those with a normal brain and ego states can actually talk to and hear their parts once they learn how.

I used to be confused about the "separate people" issue. I'd think well there's 3 of us, but we're all me! We have our own thoughts, feelings and opinions though. So, 3 personalities - and that's not normal! Quite a shock to discover the rest of the human race isn't multiple. I thought everyone was like me.

However you're comfortable with viewing those parts, I think your T is right in saying all those feelings need to be dealt with. You say you feel like strangling the crying toddler, but if that was a separate baby living in your house, would you strangle it? (I hope not!). Regardless of how annoying it is, would you consider strangling it to be in the best interests of harmonious household relationships? All the parts of you live within you, your body is like the house. You can't walk out the house to get away from them. I figure the only answer is to work as a team, in the interests of harmony. You don't need to feel compassion to think, Ok what does this crying baby need? How could I find out? How can I help it? X

littlevine wrote:True Feelings(parts???) that I am trying to accept:

Young feelings:

little, longing for comfort (desperately wants t or mommy)

scared frozen waiting

numb and disappeared anesthetized

Constant Intrusive Voice (feeling? distrust?):
sneering, distrustful, skeptical-you are an embarrassment, do not get your hopes up, that is stupid, no one is going to take care of you, no one cares for you, people will like you if you are useful (pay them, take care of them, do work for them) and don’t bother and annoy them, that is the real fact, like it or not, there is no evidence whatsoever to the contrary, call me a b***h if you want to, but I am the only one looking after us

Main Me Feelings:

moderator - it’s okay, I am going to stay in the driver’s seat, I’ll moderate all emotions, allow some, filter others, let the numbing part take over as needed, the main thing is to stay in complete control of self, the environment is easily manipulated, I can keep us safe and sound, keeping fingers on the mute button, favoring Intellectual and Spiritual me’s, in close consultation from mean voice

Intellectual- The world is a fascinating place and people are complex and interesting as well. Most people mean well and are just limited. No need for meanness or neediness. Everything can be analyzed and figured out.

Spiritual/mother- we are all connected, others need love and care and compassion, no one means to be mean, everyone is good at heart, no one can hurt me, i care for everyone. Positive and optimistic. Sees good in everyone. Looks for silver lining. Everyone likes this me best.

Strumming my pain with her fingers
Singing my life with her words

I think you have to be willing to accept them as part of yourself.

It doesn't make you crazy- it makes you stronger.

Thank you for your responses.
I worry that I shouldn't post here because I don't know if i am just being overly suggestible. My t keeps telling me to accept my feelings, accept my parts too, but I don't know how to do that. It seems that by humoring this parts idea I am just going to make myself worse and I should try to get everything all together somehow. On the other hand I feel like I am not getting anywhere and I feel like I am only half here. Something is missing. I don't remember the sa in a real way. Does that mean a parts have memories? Is it possible to forget, but it is not in a part's memory? I was in a therapy group and have absolutely no recollection, though I think I was in it for at least several months (only guess from journal entries.) Is it possible to forget without having parts? This was years ago. I imagine that at the time I knew I was in the group. I don't hear parts in an auditory sense. Only mean voice is really verbal inside, but it is more like I hear her thoughts. I feel more like a bunch of different compartments and I can dip into one or another (some more easily than others) but I have to be careful not to slip in too far or I lose control/me. But I don't think I lose time. Do "normal" people feel like that?

Sorry to ask so many dumb questions. I know you can't tell me what is going on with me, really. I find it really scary to contemplate this or even to talk about it with t even though she is really nice and good. Thank you for listening.

I've heard it been described as there's two types of memory "forgetting".

The PTSD type forgetting which is horizontal repression where memories go under but not into parts.

And vertical repression which is parts where these different parts take different memories.

I still wonder if my parts have memories. We are very very early into therapy and as of yet no part has ever said anything to me that I don't already know.

It is confusing.

I'm stil trying to work out this losing time business. I don't think I do, and if I do it'll only be more minutes at a time.

Bourbon

There are no dumb questions!

My t keeps telling me to accept my feelings, accept my parts too, but I don't know how to do that.

My T said that too, to stop being afraid of those parts and feelings. Okay, so I didn't realize it but I push them deep inside, they push forward or up, and I just reflexively push them back and away. So when I feel the wave of emotion, or headache, I relax and allow it to come forward. The pain of the headache will go away but not the pressure. I noticed I can remember more of what's going on instead of loosing time/forgetting what I was doing now.

Does that mean a parts have memories?

Mine do, well, I call them parts. although, I'm not sure if your T is referring to your parts in the same definition as mine. I haven't come out and told my T everything yet though, she might change her mind, I've been treading lightly with her.

Is it possible to forget without having parts?

There can be organic reasons for memory lapses, if that is what you are asking, brain injury. Let's see, when I was a kid, they diagnosed me with a learning disability for my 'unexplained' memory issues in relation to school stuff. Oh when I got older, school authorities, (and family at convenience) said I was mentally retarded. I did get a real diagnosis for LD, & Dyslexia, but my mom has been known to manipulate doctors to make false diagnosis to get stuff. So...?