*Trigger* What is life like when not in control of the body?

I don't know if the following is DID related or if my brain has taken on some extremely creative delusions and applied them to a sort of reality for me and my alters. Maybe someone will relate.

Background:

For years I've had reoccuring dreams in which involved a woman or witch. This femle is always in black, face is never seen. Most of my information is intuition.

The woman or witch (I'm not sure, but definitely female) can't be seen because she is dressed in a black hooded cloak. The reason I know it is a woman is because I can see her hands as she reaches out to grab me. I don't have any indication as to who she is. She may resemble my mother from real life.

The woman chases me all over a dark barren land. There are rocks and boulders, dead trees and dead bushes. We are always swimming in the air, her chasing me and me trying to escape. Sometimes there are others involved, usually kids, and I am trying to protect and save them from the woman/witch. A lot of times I fall and just before the hand can grasp my ankle I seem to be able to jump up and escape. I am always terrified. ALWAYS.

Present day:

My roommate has been talking to my alts and has found out that they live in a kind of hell. They have described their world when not in control of my body as the barren lands that I have dreamt of and, in fact, call it the Bad Lands. There are monsters there and bad people that roam around and so everyone hides when on the move. My childhood room is also in the Bad Lands and if the kids get too close to it they are afraid of being sucked into it.

Apparently when I slip away, I somehow end up in the room and my Protector has to try to get me out. I am not aware of being in there at any time, both during or after.

My alts say that when they are in control of the body, they can see colors, follage and beauty that is not visible in their world. I don't know exactly how to explain it other than to call it their world, because I do not live it on a daily basis, but they do.

My Protector has yet to communicate to me on a regular basis, so when I read an email from her that she would "meet" me last night I was both excited and nervous.

Last night I was waiting for my Protector to "meet" me after dinner. I sat on my bed and waited. Periodically I would call her name and ask if she was here. A few times she told me to be patient. I finally fell asleep, I think. Then I started dreaming.

In the dream, my Protector was walking me through the Bad Lands. She showed me the Bad Room in the middle of the Bad Lands but wouldn't walk too close to it because she didn't have the need to. No one was in it so no one needed t be rescued from it. When I looked through what was the bedroom window (which is now a door) I saw my old bunkbed and the rest of my stuff I had a kid. The bedroom door that lead to the rest of the house was also there across the room, but when I walked around the building, only the bedroom was visible, sort of a box of a building, not the rest of the house. That door that leads to the rest of the house was not visible on the outside of the building. My Protector said that the fear of the room is the bedroom door that leads to the house. Apparently it can open up to the house and everyone is afraid of getting trapped and hurt by the "bad man."

I didn't go in because even I was fearful of it. It definitely had an evil feeling to it and I have no doubt that bad things could still happen if it weren't for my Protector.

While walking the Bad Lands, I saw Her and Jaime for the first time, though they were distant and I didn't get to talk to them. I also noticed a lot of other children. All of them were hidden behind rocks, trees and bushes. They were scared but I sensed that they felt ok with me being there. I'm not sure if that's because my Protector was their or because they trusted me. I suspect that it's because my Protector was there. She rescues the kids when they are being chased by monsters. I don't know if they are aware of who I am, but this is the first that I was aware of so many children.

There isn't a safe place for anyone to go. Not at all! Nothing. The only good thing I saw, besides all the kids were a few cats. The cats were often held by the kids, including Jaime, my four year old little boy.

I know I dreamt this, but based on the information given to my roommate, I have to conclude that my Protector orchestrated this event to help me see more than what I have been capable of. Now I can't get it out of my head. I feel the need to save them.

I was thinking of trying to medititate and have my Protector with me so that we can somehow build another living situation for everyone: Plant seeds for a garden, build a play set, visualize a new building that is not tormenting to anyone and make it a pleasant reality for them. My Protector actually wants to burn the old bedroom down. This seems to be more symbolic than anything to me so I am totally willing to have a cerimonial burning of the building if that's what she wants.

I feel guilty about the land that they live. I seemed to have been able to create a hell for them. I know I didn't do it on purpose, but the guilt is there, never the less.

Does it seem possible to create a new land in which they live? Somewhere that is bright and colorful...

Can anyone relate to this or does anyone else have a similar situation with their alts?

I would like to hear from other alters, like me.

The inner world is a creation of your childhood imagination. By all accounts, it can be changed after the fact. You can make it colorful, lush, comfortable, beautiful. You can install closed circuit TV so they all can watch the outside world. You can create a castle where each insider has their own room and public meeting places where they can mingle. You can even lock up the bad ones, until you have time to work with them and discover the goodness underneath their badness.

Wow. I have never read about anyone else which also has a scary internal world like I do. I'm sorry you have that experience but grateful to not feel so alone.

Whilst I agree with this statement by Una+ :

Una+ wrote:The inner world is a creation of your childhood imagination.

I might also note that your childhood imagination can be influenced by abusive people in your life. I know that it is the case for me that whilst my scary internal world was ultimately created by my childhood imagination it may have been "given a little help along the way" by my abusers. I certainly hope this is not also the case for you. We know we would much rather be outside than in because of what you mentioned here:

SheWhoMustNotBeNamed wrote:when they are in control of the body, they can see colors, follage and beauty that is not visible in their world

Whilst it is possible to change your internal world, if it has been helped shaped by your abusers, there may be consequences for trying to make changes. (That is the case for us so we are having to take our therapy extremely slowly because of it). Our internal world also has a name, just like yours is called the Bad Lands, but we are not allowed to say because some are worried that saying the name of our internal world might lead to us being identified by our abusers.

Anyway, I really hope your case is not like mine, and that you can just go ahead and change things to be nicer for everyone inside. If it can't happen though, you will at least know that you are not alone, for that is how things are for us.

I have always found it hard to talk to anyone about our internal world because I dont know how other people with D.I.D have or experience their internal worlds
It feels far more frighting than I would think
Sometimes if I fall asleep or semi sleep Its like I slip into it like a reoccurring horror film or others will take you there or enter your dreams like that freddy crugger movie where if you fall asleep he can "come for you" in your dreams and take your life.
TRIGGER
One time another host when she was supposibly sleeping was "taken" to a massive forest chased and hunted down by one of our alters with a machete she said it was terrifying and she said it felt so real like it was really happining
The little girl was 8 Who was chasing the host and lived in this place trapped
The girl seemed unafraid to be there alone and she has been able to come partialy host and take control of the body which is even more scary.
The girl slashed the host with the machete just before she woke up
The scariest part was when the host woke up her arm was cut in the exact spot in the dream....
there are lots of barren,deserted looking places that are dark and scary shadows and silhouettes chasing others Its hard to tell who is friends or not ,there is also a lot of internal screaming and shrieking that goes on frequently
There is a whole subsystem that live in creepy tunnels and haunted,rundown castles
there is witch looking characters, weird animals and creatures and the atmosphere is strange and eerie
It seems we are all suspicious of another,fighting or paranoid living trapped in all these separate scary places some are just pitch black like you cant see a thing We are yet to find one decent looking safe structure or place and no one seems able to "create' this using imagery or to communicate with anyone in these locations its all hush .Hush and don't come near me.
I would say the internal world feels as if it runs automatically, and inaccessible to us hosts
Like where the pawns in some sick game of chess but who's and how do we end the game?

You *should* be able to control your inner world. I have Azel whom I would describe as a protector. He shows me how to control it.

It is always very dark in the Woods (my inner world), but he is encouraging me to bring up the sun a little more. The trick to it is small changes and reinforcement. Every time you go "inside" you have to make sure what you put there is still there.

Describing an inner world is difficult. Describing how you can change it is very very difficult.

If that were me with the bad room, I would put an energy ring around it so it couldn't suck anyone in. I would also place the bad ones in there and shut and lock the door. To tell you how to do that, how to control the inner world, is the job of your guide. Whether that is your protector or someone else I don't know. In reading about DID, it seems most people call that person the Inner Self Helper or ISH. I hope you have one of those. They do make things more managable.

I wish I had a way to make your inner world a better place, but I don't. I hope you find the power to change things.