Temporary Integration or Something Else?

I don't really know what to call it, actually.

When Johann and I argue (like all couples, no one's perfect) I realize that I'm not speaking to just one of the alters. The last time I asked him, "Which of you keeps coming out when we argue?" Yohann told me, "None of us. You're speaking to all of us. Together...like we would be if we weren't crazy." "But that's impossible, because you're all still separate. Someone has to be in control." "But it isn't. When a situation becomes drastic enough, if I'm feeling stressed enough, everyone gets pulled in to one place. You're not just speaking to one of us, you're just speaking to Johann [the physical body]."

Does this make sense to anyone?

I am not sure what to call it either. Perhaps co-consciousness? Perhaps blending? Perhaps transient integration? But I have experienced it. The last time I saw the man my Alter 1 loves, I felt all my (known) insiders were there with me, alert and watching him, reading him, and collectively thinking about him and guiding my behavior toward him. We all love him.

When I was at the service at the grave site of my mother a couple months ago, literally feet from the remains of both my parents, I knew everyone was there to view the event, the passage, the acknowledgment that these abusers were absolutely stone cold dead and gone. My dissociation was extreme. There very rapid cycling as each alter seemed to step into the body or forward enough to witness the event. But it also felt like they were all there very close to the front. Like usually they are scattered in various places and degrees from being out, but my most experienced alters were ushering everyone into close proximity to being out.

I've had a few other less extreme events where multiple alters were way out near the front. I've had this experience in therapy a few times where I know there are a bunch of alters surrounding me, listening to out front, influencing me emotionally by their overwhelming nearness. For me, it's not integration or even blending, but the more alters are "squished together" near the front, the more unified, in a way, I've felt even if I as an alter am also feeling dissociated.

I wouldn't call it integration. It is more like everyone is paying attention.

Johnny-Jack wrote:For me, it's not integration or even blending, but the more alters are "squished together" near the front, the more unified, in a way, I've felt even if I as an alter am also feeling dissociated.

That sounds more like it. I mean, I knew they weren't actually integrated, but I didn't know what else to call it. See, but it's different than under other circumstances where everyone in their mind is in the same room (usually their mental living room). I know this because if it's a bad enough situation whoever is in possession will tell me something like, 'Chibi's crying, Jack's over there cursing up a storm...' etc etc. But when Johann and I are talking or arguing...it's literally like there's no telling one alter from another it's just...everyone using the physical body's normal voice (combination of Yohann and Luke's). And they don't 'separate' again until everything has calmed down. Which is why it confuses me.

They unite their forces to defend?

Johnny-Jack's post reminded me of the day we buried my mother. When we were about to leave the grave I felt like countless memories of her were flashing through my mind all at once. I saw them inside my mind as if they were happening there and then, and all I could do was cry. It was the only time I cried that day. I was trying to explain it to my sister but all I could say was: "I keep SEEING all these things! I can't explain!" But I didn't see any bad things or bad memories, just lots of things I had no words for... I mean, I saw the memories but also felt the feelings inside them. I don't know though if my 'others' had anything to do with it, after all I only knew about R then and didn't feel his presence that day. He never comes out when there are other people around.

Would it be possible they were working in perfect harmony? Like a step before integration(?)

kind of sounds something like how things have been experienced here in the past:

when somebody is in control, it is called "at the helm" and at times, a few (usually just 2) were able to stand at the mouth of the cave together "at the helm" and share and/or observe, taking turns actually occupying and controlling the body.

about a year ago, before the Lockdown Era, communication and cooperation was at its all-time-high, and there's an area near "the helm", where more could gather, in a halfcircle or so, in chairs or whatnot, and in the centre was an old fashioned microphone, from like a Radio Program from way back in the day, and when somebody wanted to say something, they just speak into the microphone. this usually occurred mostly during online activities when One would be "activated" as stenographer, and everybody (who wanted to be) gathered and enjoyed each other's company. still separated, no blending/meshing/blurring though, but nobody in particular actually controlling or occupying the body completely.
that level of smoothness has since been lost, but hope to build it back up. it took about 4 years to get that far before, so hope that it won't take that long this time around.

perhaps that is a similar idea as to how your boyfriend's group may be functioning in those times? hope this explanation made sense.