Push/Pull and abandonment

Hi everybody, I'm a supporter of a man with DID. I have found that push/pull seems common in our relationship. When he gets too close to me, he tends to pull away. I've also read that a lot of folks with DID have an underlying fear of abandonment. But it seems like he would be more than likely to sabotage his own relationships.

Any thoughts on abandonment, or how you feel if you get too close to your SO?

I have that issue and I'm not even the one with DID, my boyfriend is. Probably because my parents divorced when I was seven and on several occasions my dad has walked out of my life without forewarning or anything and I haven't gotten to see him. As of this year I was living with him but he left me and my fourteen year old cerebral palsy brother alone in our house when he moved out one night and never came back. If Johann hadn't moved in with us for about seven months before my mom moved in to take care of us, I don't know what would have happened to us. As it is, I haven't spoken to my dad in months, he even forgot my birthday. I have a tendency to push Johann away a lot rather than him pushing me away.

I know you aren't asking for my experiences, but I highly doubt it's just people with DID who suffer from a push/pull affect or abandonment issues. Johann is rather the opposite of me despite having watched his father die or his mother put him in a foster home for a few years when he was Kiddo's age. He's very attached to everything he has because he doesn't have much left. His mother is his only remaining blood family member and we have a very small group of friends.

I hate to bring this up...but someone else has mentioned it in the past; at some point you might have to just stop trying and let your boyfriend get help for himself. Johann had certain alters who didn't like me at first, but it took less than a year for them all to warm up to me, even the protectors. If you're still having problems and you've been with him longer than I've been with Johann (and we've only been together a year and one month the 30th of this month), you might want to really start thinking about whether or not it's worth it. I know you don't want to think like that, but if you can't get through to him, you can't get through to him unless he learns for himself. Myself and the others on this forum will do whatever we can to help you, but we can only do so much, Patience. =\

MK, thanks for your concern, and sure it's okay to hear about your concerns too. I know abandonment all too well, my parents divorced when I was three and neither would take care of me, so I went to another family member.

I know I haven't been on this forum long enough for you to know me, but the advice I ask here is for my own well-being, and at times to understand better what's going on. It's not to pass along to him. I would never push anything on him; we don't even talk about this often unless he brings it up. I encourage therapy when he brings it up, but it's his decision not mine. This is advice to help ME cope. I'm comparing situations with my own. I'm not trying to get through to him. Actually, if I were trying non-stop to get through to him , his Protector would have layed down the law BIG time by now. I'm just not one to push my beliefs onto anyone.

I know he's aware to some extent, he's highly intelligent. I know he wants to get help, but the decision is his alone.

I've heard it said it's a man thing.

I experience this push/pull abandonment issue a lot. Always being pulled between wanting to get close to someone, and then wanting to run away from them, leading to erratic behaviour that my partner has to deal with. It also plays out in therapy, of course. I think it's got a little bit better as i've become more self assured and self confident and able to feel that I can rely on myself a bit more. But the intense feelings that come with the push/pull behaviour are still hard to deal with when they surface.

Bourbon

Yeah, with all relationships really, friends, family, mom, dad, sisters, etc. I have big trust and abandonment issues. I think they go hand in hand, for me at least.

Being close physically and emotionally sends off huge alarms for me. So if I'm feeling wonky about breathing sounds or being physically/emotionally close, that particular day, I just hang back, but try to bake/cook him something I know he likes as a gesture of love so it won't trigger abandonment feelings in him.
I try not to push him or test him so much, and then I tend to be clingy as well. I guess it makes our relationship needlessly rocky, open communication helps calm the nature of the swing. With him, watching him work on the relationship as I was sabotaging it really helped me see he was different. We have our ups and downs, but I like to think we have more ups now.
I don't know how to make the abandonment issues 'go away' but realizing where they come from help lessen the push-pull effect on our relationship. We've been together for 12 years, married 10. We take it week by week, and try to make each day better. Certain days, or events seem to trigger, even though we know it's a trigger point, but communication has helped lessen the push-pull both in force and duration.

I have major abandonment issues (mother abandoned my brother and I when I was 15 and moved in with her new boyfriend and his son- been on my own ever since).

I am guilty of push/pull and I hate it.

It's like "I want you to promise me you will never leave- why won't you just go away- I need you- I don't want you- I will leave you before you leave me- please don't let me leave."

It isn't fair and it is hell on me too.

I've done that too (edit: but I haven't actually told people that they should leave me, just let them understand it) and have suffered from it a lot, but there's more to this. I like to present myself in conflicting ways, and let the other person choose what they want to believe. I enjoy saying things that can be interpreted in multiple ways, because that's the way I am, I have multiple views. I like to push the envelope that way. If someone don't like it, fine. They are free to leave or whatever. So I guess I'm doing it in a passive aggressive way. Sometimes it bothers me, but not right now.

under ice wrote:I've done that too (edit: but I haven't actually told people that they should leave me, just let them understand it) and have suffered from it a lot, but there's more to this. I like to present myself in conflicting ways, and let the other person choose what they want to believe. I enjoy saying things that can be interpreted in multiple ways, because that's the way I am, I have multiple views. I like to push the envelope that way. If someone don't like it, fine. They are free to leave or whatever. So I guess I'm doing it in a passive aggressive way. Sometimes it bothers me, but not right now.

Exactly, it's like you want them to care enough to stay but if they don't you have to know that you pushed them away. It was your choice for what they did.

But if they leave you feel empty and remorseful.

Relationships with others- whether it be friendships or boyfriends, work best when we each have our own area and can have the option to meet in the middle if we want. But don't try to pull me over to your side because I don't want you on mine.

Like a football field- I get from my goal to the 30 yard line. You get from yours to the other 30 yard line. The range between the 30s and 50 is fair play. The second you step over onto my side you have to get off of the field. I won't step onto your side, you don't step onto mine. We can meet in the middle.

Unfortunately I tend to know too many people who think the entire field is theirs and push me into my endzone and then get mad at me when I kick them out.

I don't think that makes sense, but it is the only way I know to explain it.

Ashesof life, I'm not sure that I always feel remorseful when they're gone. Only if I do it accidentally, and that has happened. Then it's my turn to be confused!

I'm not sure if I understood the football field metaphor right, but it crossed my mind that every relationship requires some sacrifice, yet there are things that you can't expect from the person you love and respect.
For instance, some people require you to sacrifice truth to keep them happy, and if you don't do that they'll be mad at you. That happened in my family, who lied about many important things and when I refused to support and advocate their lies they got mad at me and started a scene. I had ruined their life. Gosh, more like their LIE.