Therapists getting to know you

Hi all,

I have been told by a few people that it is so important for work with a new therapist to start by you AND YOUR ALTERS getting to know the therapist. And this comes way before any trauma work starts.

I am wondering how your therapists got to know your alters? Was it structured or completely random?

Bourbon

I definitely believe getting to know your alters before working on the trauma is the best plan both for the host dealing with the alters and for the therapist doing the same. It stands to reason your alters should be able to trust and feel comfortable well before you go delving into the trauma they sustained. Sort of like a therapist working with any child would establish a relationship of trust before digging. My alters don't trust my therapist fully so I have to find a new one, probably in January when the new insurance plan kicks in. So only one came out to talk to him but several have shown up in the midst of flashback thingies that happened there.

When we meet the new T, I'm thinking we're going to have all who can come out do so and present themselves fairly soon after we meet, if they're not too scared. We've done some semi-deliberate rapid switching lately (like 3-5 mins each) so we're becoming comfortable with that. But I think the best plan would be to allow them each to have as much time as they feel they need to get acquainted.

Well, my situation is a bit complicated, since I don't think I have alters (even though I used to). However, I can describe the way T1 got to know my parts. At the time I thought of them as alters.

She never asked to speak to a particular part. Nor did she necessarily act differently toward different parts, although she would become gentler and more "mother-like" when my younger parts surfaced. But it wasn't an obvious change, if that makes sense. More subtle.

She allowed whatever part that wanted to communicate with her the space and the time to do that. There was no "structure" around who she would meet, or when. It all happened organically, both in session and out of session. I see now that the lack of boundaries, and the fact we could contact her at any time during the week, was detrimental to us. At the time however, I thought this was pretty awesome, and different parts of me - young, angry, depressed, etc - would contact her whenever we were having a hard time. Now I see that there needs to be balance.

I think your system, and the parts in your system, will each respectively know when they are ready to get to know your T. Some may want to meet Wolf immediately, while others I'm sure are quite skeptical still. That is natural. I don't think there needs to be any structure implemented as far as your T meeting your alters goes. To me, that seems a little unnatural, as well as possibly going against what some alters may feel comfortable with. But I wouldn't say that just because it's unstructured, it's necessarily random. I think you can trust your system and your alters to know when you, each of you, are ready. Just my 2c .

Thank you both for your input.

The reason I ask is late last night I was researching how different therapists work with clients with DID and I came across one woman who said she actually structured it so that particular alters would come out at particular times so she could get to know them all AND she structured the trauma part so that she works on particular episodes of trauma at a time. With Wolf it is so unstructured at the moment I think I felt a little uneasy.

But you are right, it is up to the alters to decide when and how they want to meet Wolf. Luckily, they all seem to be interested in him. Well, Poppi, Alice, Kerry do anyway. Those are the three that need an attachment figure. Jason and Mary doesn't. Anger does but he's been particularly quiet really recently anyway.

I am though trying to encourage them to all "come out" fully at some point in the next few weeks or months. It is only very early days with Wolf but I want to get them to overcome their shyness about appearing in front of someone else (and of course, my self consciousness about this too!)

Brandic, this is why I started talking to you about Wolf in PM. You reacted quite badly to your old T's offer of being able to contact her at any time and you said you need more boundaries than that. How did it all go wrong? This is the exact situation for me and Wolf and I'm almost waiting for it to go wrong somehow.

Bourbon

bourbon wrote:Brandic, this is why I started talking to you about Wolf in PM. You reacted quite badly to your old T's offer of being able to contact her at any time and you said you need more boundaries than that. How did it all go wrong? This is the exact situation for me and Wolf and I'm almost waiting for it to go wrong somehow.

Well, that's the million dollar question. Where did it all go wrong?

I think the therapist needs to keep some sense of structure and boundaries. For example, my current T, T3, said that if the outside contact got to be every three days, for example, then we'd have to address that. She was answering my question about contact between sessions.

My old T encouraged contact outside of session, and in fact seemed to love talking to me. I would call her about a scheduling thing, and we would end up chatting for an hour, not because I needed to talk, but because she seemed to be thoroughly enjoy the conversation. In fact, I was always the one to end the phone conversation, usually because my dinner was ready! I don't think this is normal or healthy. A good therapist should know how to maintain proper boundaries as well as to keep a certain level of professionalism which she let fly out the door. Another example, she would almost always call me back if I left her a voicemail, even if I specifically stated I didn't need a call back. She encouraged texting. She began texting me on her own, without me reaching out first, to tell me a quote she came across that she thought I would like. Then usually a texting conversation would ensue. I, again, would usually be the one to cut things off when I had to go.

She literally tried to make herself available at all times, for any amount of time. She treated it in a much more casual way than I feel a therapist/client relationship deserves to be treated. She had no boundaries, and I think that was disrespectful to me and to our relationship. I think had she not encouraged outside contact, and seem to enjoy conversing with me (more than I did with her!), there probably would have been no way in hell I would have allowed myself to contact her as regularly as I did. Toward the end we were talking - either by phone or text or email - everY single day, multiple times a day. I think those of us with DDs are hard wired to try to please people. I think by contacting her so much, I was doing what she seemed to indicate she actually wanted. I was trying to be a "good girl" for her, or the perfect client.

I think a certain level of skepticism and hesitance toward trusting him completely right off the bat is good and healthy. I think you will learn over time whether he has proper boundaries. And of course we are all here to offer advice or feedback, in case you are ever questioning or doubting something. I think small baby steps toward trusting the T is a good step in the beginning.