Relationships

Was just wondering; how has DID affected your ability to form lasting personal relationships? I mean, my BF who has DID, has talked about having a number of failed relationships in his past. I know it's common. And I know it's also possible to find a meaningful relationship. Was it hard for you to trust a partner?

My BF has also told me he's had past abusive relationships, and I can only imagine how hard it would be to relive trauma.

Was wondering if you finally found "the one", how did you know it was the right time to trust?

I married "late". Before then I had two long term relationships but otherwise for the most part I was not involved with anyone. One long term relationship was emotionally and psychologically abusive; the other was good, but not quite what I needed. Before meeting my husband I went through a long process of self-assessment. My husband is not "the" one, but "a" one. I knew we were a good fit. "I" don't have difficulty trusting. Like many people who have a major dissociative disorder, I and in fact all my parts tend to have rather concrete thinking when it comes to relationships. This means some parts of me do not trust anyone ever, and others trust blindly. I rarely switch and I trust my husband completely, but I am aware of a part that is terrified of betrayal by my husband.

I desperately want a relationship and at the same time push the man away. If someone could understand that its not them, its not me, but another part of me pushing perhaps things would work out.

If you find him pushing you away.... don't take it personal. Try to find out what is going on.

Different alters have told me different stories about girls that they've been with in the past (Johnny dated a girl in high school, Yohann dated a girl shortly after high school, Kiddo was in love with a girl named Sunshine when Johann was ten, and dated a girl when Johann was twelve, etc), and how they hated lying and pretending to all be Johann. That I'm the first girl they ever told everything to.

I can't speak for anyone else here with DID, but in Johann's case I see that trusting people is very hard for him. He 'trusts' his friends, but has not told any of them that he has DID because he's afraid they're all going to tease him about it, and our friends are too clueless to notice the subtle mannerism or personality shifts because everyone uses the same voice when they switch. And because Johann has always seemed 'bipolar' and childish, it's just normal to them for his personality to be all over the place. I'm the only one who can lean over and whisper in his ear, 'I know you switched...so who's out now?' I can't tell if they're all using the same voice and have to ask unless something they say or do is obvious, in which case I'll automatically either whisper their name (in a joking scolding way) or I'll hint at it if I can't. For example, one day at the anime club Johann was writing something on our whiteboard and I took one look at it, and knowing Kiddo was in possession said, 'Johann, your handwriting looks terrible. It looks like a fourteen year old wrote it!' and Kiddo stuck his tongue out at me, hahaha. Our friends didn't seem to notice though, obviously.

On the issue of trust...

Tonight I did something that may or may not constitute as risky because I've done it with other alters, but never with HIM. See, the back of Johann's head is the most guarded area of his body - he panics whenever people walk behind him because of it, and he won't let anyone touch him there. Because if they do...they immediately trigger either Jack, Johnny, or HIM (the 'darker' protector alters) into possession, and they have the possibility of going into a 'blind rage' (example here). Well, HIM switched into possession when Luke and I were cuddling, and I started petting him in the back of the head, in the exact spot he tells people not to touch. Now, rather than trigger into a defensive rage like I had expected him to possibly do, he sort of froze for a moment and then buried his head in my shoulder taking shaky panicked breaths and mumbling, 'It's okay...I trust you...I trust you...' I stopped after about thirty seconds and he looked up at me with this out-of-character kid-with-his-hand-caught-in-the-cookie-jar expression and told me in a shaky tone, 'There...have I proved that I trust you? I've never let anyone touch me there... I do trust you. I've never trusted anyone, not even my mom. But I'm trusting you...so even if we don't end up together forever and you end up leaving me...don't break that trust, okay?'

I don't know that finally breaking the defense mechanisms of the final protector makes me 'the one', but I like to think that it does, because I could honestly see spending the rest of my life with these guys, no questions asked. <3

I've had two long relationships in the past, and there were difficulties in both, then a few short ones that aren't worth mentioning.
Haha, I realize I'm not ready to say much about this. I had to compromise myself even to start going steady with those guys because I wanted and didn't want. I thought that commitment and love will fix things eventually, but it never does. My main exes were very different from each other, one of them was intellectual, sociable and family-oriented but rather boring, the other one was an extremely charming Jekyll/Hyde type of person who was umm... very hard to please and all that. Both of them were closeted bisexuals and confused about their sexuality. Yeah. But we were young then.

This is one of those posts that are difficult to write but I feel I need to say it anyways. Please just consider my words, Patience. I'm just asking you to think about something.

Your boyfriend is the one with DID, yet you are the one here.
He has cheated on you and you are still with him.
You are the one here asking questions about DID, how it works, how it effects relationships.
Where is he?

I like you. You sound like a great person to have in anyone's life. It just worries me that you are the one here, not him.

While I understand you want to help him and that you care for him and love him, he needs to be doing his own work.

That isn't to say that you can't work to understand it, it is just that from the things I've seen you write, you are the only one looking for answers. He doesn't seem to want to get help or understanding or to heal.

A relationship- any relationship- has to be 50/50. And it has to be "I'll take care of me, you take care of you, and we will enjoy our time together."

Perhaps I'm wrong, but it seems like you are trying to help him more than he is trying to help himself.

I'm sorry if I came across as harsh or judgemental of your relationship, it is just that you have to take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. If he is unwilling to take care of himself, the relationship won't work.

The world is an ocean and people are the boats. Each person rowing their own boat with their own baggage. A relationship is when two boats tie themselves to each other and share the work of rowing. When you have kids, you have them in the boat with you and you help them to build their own boat for when they get old enough.

It sounds like his boat is full of a lot of holes and a lot of baggage. He threw his stuff into yours, jumped in with you, is letting his sink, and letting you do all the rowing.

I'm in my own boat too and I am alternating between rowing, tossing what I don't need of the baggage into the ocean, scooping out the water that is coming in thru the holes, and trying to patch the holes and make my boat stronger. I understand.

Just consider these things. Just think about it for 2 minutes. Then decide if what I have said has any truth for your situation or if you don't need it.

If you think it does apply, please google something called "codependence."

I wish you the best, sweetie!

Hi Ashes, (((hugs))) right back at you. Thank you for that. You're not too harsh, I can tell it's because you really care. I'm pretty familiar with co-dependence, I don't think I fall under that category because I wasn't looking for someone to fix. I had no idea about the DID until I was well into the relationship. It's just a bump in the road for now. A big bump nonetheless.

Well, I suppose he's not here because he's really not aware of the DID most of the time. He knows "something's wrong." Therapy has come up a few times. I'll keep encouraging it. I think the fact that he is still in contact with his abuser (a parent) that this is somewhat holding him back. There are times when I think he's still under the guise that one day he will please her. She is not capable of being pleased. So sad.

In the meantime we've created a safe home base for him. Other than the couple of problems we've had, that were rough, he's been very,very good to me. He's trying the best he can. He has a lot of trauma to work through, I just hope we can get him to therapy soon.

Of course I'll think about what you said. I like you, too.

And I appreciate everyone's input, too, thank you.

The unfortunate combination of specific abuse that I as an alter received from both parents has through most of my adulthood destroyed my ability to have a relationship of any kind. I have believed I was gay, though biologically I'm not, so from this confusion for over two decades I've had zero interest in having sex or a relationship with a guy and just gave up on the whole idea of any relationship. Not a formula for a desirable, meaningful life, at least not for me nor for my adult alters. This must reverse, and there are signs that it's possible though not necessarily likely, if we are to have any reason to continue, if I am to successfully overcome my (which are unfortunately becoming our) suicidal tendencies. No amount of "oh, but you have so much to live for" from people who know me has any impact. They don't know how I'm wired inside and they don't have to live my life. It's my primary goal to work at reversing this mistake, processing the abuse that happened to me as an alter, before we deal with any other alter's abuse. This goal is shared by every alter who is old enough to understand our situation, including our gatekeeper, who normally doesn't vote. If we didn't have hope, and we do collectively, we wouldn't be here. It's challenging, unfortunate and sad, but it is what it is.