Book: A Man's Recovery from Traumatic Childhood Abuse

In another thread, John (Johnny-Jack) wrote:

Robert Blackburn Knight in A Man's Recovery from Traumatic Childhood Abuse describes dissociated memory loss in the form of ego states or "subpersonalities." Knight's abuse was particularly cruel and sustained and may be difficult for some to read, however he writes in a very matter-of-fact manner so it's easier to process. His therapist and he refer to his parts as ego states, not alters, though ego states that arose early to hold the trauma. These ego states shift over time, many splitting into two parts of the original ego state as therapy continues. Sometimes the original ego state, undivided, also returns alongside the split parts. He describes everyone's interactions in trance during therapy. There's little or no mention of them taking over in his daily life (executive control) or of their having discussions with him much in his head outside of trance. Knight's "ego states" have different personalities and genders and hold different trauma, but they seem to me slightly different from alters. But there's more in common than not.

Intrigued, I read the book too. It was published in 2002, and documents a therapy that began in 1987. The author wanted help for lower back pain that he suspected was partly psychosomatic. Once in therapy, his dissociative disorder was soon apparent.

In the preface the author mentions his diagnosis: dissociative disorder not otherwise specified (DDNOS), because his alters (usually referred to as ego states or insiders) do not take executive control. The author mentions that his main therapist intentionally talks only to him, about his alters, and he talks for and about them. However, when he has occasional sessions with John and Helen Watkins, they talk directly with his alters. The book includes mentions of the alters reporting trauma they experienced themselves, but there is no mention in the book of the alters taking executive control outside of sessions with the Watkinses. Toward the end, he does mention checking in with his "insiders" and getting their reactions on issues and negotiating with them, so they are having internal conversations. For some reason these are not reported in detail. Although passive influence is not ever mentioned, there is ample evidence of its presence in his behavior. The book describes DID-like DDNOS, as documented in a daily journal. There is relatively little reflection and analysis.

The book is loaded throughout with descriptions of sexual and physical abuse that will be highly triggering for perhaps many readers. The sexual abuse includes incest with both parents.

For me, strangely, although many other memoirs by men and women with a major dissociative disorder are highly triggering, this one was not.

Wikipedia: John G. Watkins

I must have been reading that at the same time as you, Una. Only I actually had to stop reading it about half way through. I usually HATE stopping books and it wasn't that it was particularly triggering, I don't know what it was. I think I just wasn't prepared to muddle through the confusion of his ego states and how much they seemed to morph and change.

Just my opinion. I was sad to have to put the book down and give up but it was just too much.

bourbon

Bourbon, I had the same frustration somewhere in the middle. The author detailed a lot of ego states and they morphed over time, split into two, changed purpose. The latter wasn't that odd since a persecutor often changes into a protector in DID. I determined that it wasn't that critical to keep track of the individual ego states to make sense of his journey. It gained coherence for me after that. I realized they weren't a complex list of characters, as in a Russian novel where I have to write out everyone's names to have any hope of following the story. I was highly motivated to finish because it was a story of a male with a dissociative disorder and these are far fewer than biographies of females. In addition, it was fascinating for me how different his experience of alters/ego states was from my own, yet his emotional response to the impact of his newly remembered abuse and the dissociation that handled it was not that different. The way his system, chaotic though it was at times, began to and did come together had value for me. The writing is quite unusual, very matter-of-fact about extreme abuse. It didn't trigger me either and far less graphic material has.

I know you had mentioned this one to me before, John. This is a good reminder, I'm gonna definitely check it out!

Johnny-Jack wrote:The writing is quite unusual, very matter-of-fact about extreme abuse. It didn't trigger me either and far less graphic material has.

I wonder if he was dissociated from the abuse, hearing about it from insiders but not feeling it emotionally himself. Or if the emotional emptiness of the writing reflects passage through the hands of the ghostwriter. Dunno. I really did not connect with this memoir.

The part I related to most was his experience of the insiders as layers. One wants sex but beneath that is one who fears and hates sex and beneath that is one who desperately needs human contact.