Memory loss

I'm hoping somebody here can give me some answers. I think my therapist is starting to suspect that I have DID. I do hear voices. There is more than one. They talk to me and to each other. The thing I'm unsure of though is that she asked me about memory loss. The example she used is have I ever wore something and had no recollection of putting it on. I can't say that I relate to that too much, although I do have a horrible memory and just generally don't ever remember anything about anything. Oh and just some quick background- I was very violently sexually abused for most of my childhood. So what does this sound like? Would there have to be very specific instances that I don't remember to have DID or is just a total lack of memory something you can relate to?

I hear voices

AuroraManson- I'm sorry, I don't follow your reply. I really don't mean to be rude but what's your point?

Hi, guest. Hope i can be of some help to you.

I was dx with a possible dissociative disorder approx 6 months ago. The DID dx became official just recently.

I do not have huge memory gaps in time. However, i have memory gaps in my childhood before the age of 13, and remember virtually nothing before age 10. That is where my memory loss lies.

I don't believe a dx of DID is based on memory loss. That certainly can be a big part of the dx for some people, but not for others.

I think i lose bits of time here and there. But nothing major. Sometimes, it is morning, then, the next thing i know, it is evening and i wonder where the time went and i wonder what i did. At those times, the whole day feels like a dream and i am in a fog of sorts.

But i don't think i have ever put on clothes w/o realizing what i have put on. What i do relate to, however, is after having put on certain clothes having to change them b/c someone else comes out with entirely different tastes (especially, if opposite sex).

You say you hear voices and that you were abused. Do you ever feel like you are someone else, or that someone else assumes control of your body. And do you feel as though the voices you hear are seperate from you? Do you have gaps in memory surrounding your childhood?

I would not worry about the not having memory loss. For one thing, you might have some memory loss and not even be aware of it.

I actually have a very good memory at times, almost photographic when it comes to learning and book stuff. Yet, i can't remember parts of a conversation i just had or if i did something or dreamed it earlier in the day. I have done things i have no recollection of like putting something on the stove, or a load of laundry in - and not remember doing it. My husband accuses me of doing stuff i don't remember doing. But i don't have huge gaps of memory loss.

I would just be honest w/ your t. My understanding is DID is difficult to dx and takes time.

Not sure if i have helped or not. If i can answer anymore questions for you, please let me know.

Best wishes,
Stolen

Stolen- Thank you for your reply, it was very helpful. I have been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder and my therapist is currently screening therapists who specialize in dissociative disorders for me to do trauma therapy with. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I do feel as though my voices are separate from myself, although inside of my head. I have identified five separate voices, three female, two male. I also have a hard time knowing if I actually did some things or dreamed them and your memory loss sounds a lot like mine. Do many people know of your diagnosis? The few people I've told have been fairly understanding although it took my husband a little time to process and realize that I'm not crazy. I just don't know how/if I should tell people and would like to know your experiences with it. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I really do appreciate your help.

Hi, guest. Hope you are doing well.

Your path to dx sounds similar to mine - dx with a possible dissociative disorder, referred to therapy for post traumatic stress disorder (i have that dx also), and eventually, DID.

I was also dx with bi polar and OCD along the way (ocd can be part of DID i have since learned). And, it is common for DID to be mis dx as bi polar.

As for telling others, no, i don't tell many people. The reactions i have gotten from the few i have told has made me leary. Mental illness runs in my family - so, i have this thing about that stigma which i have been trying to sheild myself from all my life.

My husband and my aunt know - that is it. I just don't feel comfortable telling others at this point. My h is still having a very hard time accepting it. I have made friends on the DID support forums, though, and that has been a great source of comfort and help to me. Talking to others who understand is so important. So keep coming back here. There is another good support forum called NeeDID Exchange. I can't think of the URL right off hand but if you are interested i can get it for you.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

Take care,
Stolen

On the track of telling others, I would wait and see how things go via your therapy. I live in a small town and wanted my closest friends to know. This sometimes created a wall between us and it was hard for them to understand.

One friend thought I felt having alters was 'cool' and that's why I insisted I had so many.

One friend saw the alters and got along with them - still spots them here and there and realizes that I'm not a crazy person - just different than her.

My husband had doubts and issues but has slowly come to the conclusion that it's DID and that there are issues to face. Slowly we both have meshed in our views and don't seek integration but do seek healing and cooperation between alters.

My children were told by my therapist in a special meeting under special circumstances. She made the judgement with me as to when they were ready. They told some cute stories about me 'forgetting' things and got some frustrations out about same. It was joyous to know they accept me as their mother - and took some pressure off my son who thought it was always 'his fault' when things went wrong. Now he has much more confidence that things happen - and I am who I am because of past issues - not him. I am thankful.

Not everyone has a happy ending to this. I just recently wrote an article for the local paper regarding my DBT classes and my Dx. My therapist in this case suggested I use a pen name with which to write. I have and odd enough I was able to use an alters name - so that actually worked out very well - I felt more honest than ever. I don't feel everyone understands the issues we face - nor do some care. I do feel that there are special people in your life that need to know - and you can make the decision as things come out in therapy.

Just suggestions/examples.

-cat

Although I have missed time, from what I have read definite gaps in memory wouldn't necessarily have to be present to have DID. You could have alters that "pick up the slack" so to speak. With DID you can compensate in ways so that you may not be aware of time loss. I think that Stolen and Cat have given you some good advice about memory lapses and telling others that you have DID. Personally, very few know about my DID.

I don't think that people usually go around sharing their diagosis with others. DID, whether you agree or not still is considered more exotic than plain old trauma. I think that people's imaginations tend to go wild when you mention multiple personality... That's one of the main reasons they changed the name to DID. I see sharing your dx with your husband, but others, I don't agree.

Hope this helps.
mermaidmo

yes, well said, mermaidmo

i need to clarify my statements with an after-thought i had.

i think you should base your decision on the amount of support you have in your life. i have a very strong support system and feel very confident they will 'love me' no matter who or what i am. i am also confident they will be there for me.

if you don't have this, it's a stretch to let others know and expose yourself to possible hurt. i think you need to weigh consequences, too. be careful who you tell but don't be afraid to trust...i don't feel hiding it for the rest of someone's life is a good choice, either.

it's nice to tell someone who you really are -

-cat

I wouldn't want to influence you in this pre-diagnosis stage, but there are some books that I have read that might help you. I'd suggest running them by your shrink first, though. I find DID to be a very interesting coping mechanism, so I've read a little. The human mind does the most amazing things...
1. First Person Plural: My Life as a Multiple by Cameron West (he was a guest on Oprah when it first came out)
2. When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase
3. A Fractured Mind: My Life with Multiple Personality Disorderby Robert B. Oxnam (haven't read, but it's just come out)
4. Sybil by Flora Rheta Schreiber (the movie with Sally Fields was based on this book)

I truly hope that things work out for you. From everything I've read, it's a hard road to "wellness" or wherever you want to end up. But, with a good therapist and some support, you can do it. Cameron West, author of #1 on the book list, got his PhD with twenty-something alters aboard, for example. Best of luck, and don't stop writing in.