confronted mom. So hurt and confused. :'(

I don't get it. I don't understand. I don't know who to believe anymore. I love Daddy so much and I don't want to believe the things my mom says about him, but then again, why would she lie??? Her side of the story(of many stories) is so different from my Dad's side of 'stories'. Stories I feel I have heard my whole life, ever since I can remember, which would 5 years old.

She said that she was gone for 1 month, and when she came back and asked for my Grandmother to return me and my sister, she said 'no', at which time my mom got the police involved. She started saying "I never said they kidnapped you", but I am almost positive that's what I've heard my whole life. She was getting so defensive and saying that she didn't want to comment about anything, almost as if she thought I was gonna go after her in court or something(her second ex-husband is trying to get custody of my little half brothers, and she is making visitation difficult. Same story all over.) Ever since I got back in touch with my Dad she has thought that I was gonna team up with my ex step dad in court or something. She's paranoid like that.

Then she started talking about all kinds of other 'things' my dad had done(other things she's talked of my whole life), which of course my Dad tells me a different story. I won't get into them here, but there's one that really stung me and worries me and scares me and makes me frightened about EVERYTHING.

****TRIGGER WARNING, POSSIBLE SEXUAL ABUSE*******

If you know anything about my past, you know I was estranged from my Dad when I was 10 because both my sister and I accused him of sexual abuse. For almost a year now, I have considered this whole thing to be manipulation on my mom's part, and that my Dad couldn't have done anything bad. Today, she told me a new story I had never heard. According to her, around the time they divorced(I was 1 and my sister was 5), she called Child Protection on him because he would take a bath with my sister. She said that was abusive, that he's sick, etc. etc. Evidently nothing happened except for DCF had a talk with him and told him he shouldn't do that.

*****END TRIGGER****

I don't know what all is good and what all is bad. I basically grew up without a Dad since I rarely got to see him. The times I did see him were always good, and I had a wonderful time. But I can't bare to think that he could be that way(when I was 10 there were way more accusations, more serious than the whole bathtub thing). I don't know who to believe or who not to believe. I know he never hurt me. I don't think he hurt my sister, and even she said that she believed our mom manipulated us, 3 years ago, but then she recanted that after she had a fight with my Dad's new wife, go figure.

I am so confused. I don't remember how I felt during the whole courtroom drama trauma when I was 10. If it was anything like this, though...I feel so sorry for that 10 year old

Gosh. This is just a massive example of how parents can manipulate the truth and manipulate their kids like pawns in a game. I am so sorry you are being torn in so many different directions with all these different versions of stories. I am someone who can't stand to not know the truth and this would be eating away at me so much as well.

You say you and your sister accused your dad of sexual abuse but then you say you consider this may be manipulation on your mums part? How come?

It honestly does sound a bit like people are throwing accusations around like revenge. But what do I know. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this confusion.

Bourbon

bourbon wrote:You say you and your sister accused your dad of sexual abuse but then you say you consider this may be manipulation on your mums part? How come?

ugh i'm sorry i'm sure i sound crazy when i write that.

*******Trigger details of possible sexual abuse/abuse*********

There were lots of things that led up to the actual accusation of "He's sexually abusive and we don't want to go and see him anymore." Maybe he was just stupid and didn't understand. All I know is that the little that "happened" didn't warrant what ended up being the final verdict. No one was ever able to prove anything, and the court actually seemed to believe my Dad, but they weren't able to make a 10 year old and 14 year old visit their Dad, so...we were estranged. The real kicker was when I said I saw him in bed with my sister. The memory is so distant, I don't know what I saw and didn't see. I told everyone that I saw his hands on my sister's chest, and that they were both asleep. I have a mental image of this in my head. I also have a memory of telling my mom in the kitchen "I don't know what I saw!" "Well you must have seen something." I think she said. I think that's when I made up the whole "hands" part of it. But I think it was just my Dad sleeping in the same bed with my sister because there was only one bedroom/bed in the apartment, and I was sleeping on a cot. Might have been a mistake on his part, but I don't think there was any molestation.

There are lots of things that I have "memories" for(like abuse towards my mom on my Dad's part), but they couldn't possibly be memories because the events occurred before I was born. My mom would tell detailed stories of how my Dad had kicked her, etc, and I feel like I was there, but I hadn't even been born when those particular incidents happened. In other words, when my mom told the story, I saw it in my head and felt like I had seen it, when in reality, I just saw it in my head. I still have those images in my head, but I never actually saw that "abuse", which my Dad said never happened. This is why I think it's possible I might have also made up those extra details of that memory.

I will never at peace about this situation, because I love my Dad and believe him, but i also don't want to call my mom and sisters liars. I will ALWAYS BE DIVIDED ON THIS AND ON EVERYTHING. IT WILL NEVER CHANGE.

I will never at peace about this situation, because I love my Dad and believe him, but i also don't want to call my mom and sisters liars. I will ALWAYS BE DIVIDED ON THIS AND ON EVERYTHING. IT WILL NEVER CHANGE.

Actually I think it will change. But you're going to have to do some intensive therapy that leads to multiple flashbacks or you'll need to do some serious EMDR to find out for sure what was real and what wasn't. Once memories get remembered in any way, particularly as a child, whether or not manipulated into your brain, they get stored as memories. So it's hard to tell what's real memory. DID can actually make things easier because some memories are stored with the alters. However, trauma doesn't get stored as regular memory at all and it can't be remembered in the same way. In fact, I'm not sure anything other than EMDR really pulls all the broken up pieces of trauma memories to the surface so that they can be turned into regular memories.

You may be able to do a few tests to see if your mother is the liar you suspect she is. Do you recall any specific memories of abuse at her hands? Very clear memories that you're sure about? You could ask her about these memories in a way that, if she is prone to lying, she will do so. In effect, you would be setting a trap. So, heavily influenced here by Quato, who is good at this stuff, this is what we would do.

We would ask her about a couple of the nastiest memories of something horrible she did and ask her whether the memory was true or whether you're misremembering it. You can even lead her to believe that you're afraid you're misremembering her, almost inviting her to change the details into something else.

Worse, you could "remember" an event to her that never happened where your father was horrible and she was a hero. If she falls for the bait and claims to have remembered it, you can be sure of one thing. She's not a truth-teller. If she doesn't, unfortunately, it doesn't prove much of anything.

You have a major dissociative disorder. If you lived with your mother the entire time, she was absolutely part of the problem, possibly the primary cause. Without a doubt, the constant protection and nurturing she should have given you as a vulnerable young child didn't happen.

Thank you for explaining all that.

***trigger abuse***

I know what you mean because I have been told a story by my sister about phsyical abuse to the point she thought she was going to get killed, and I don't know whether the flash bulb memory I have of that time is because it is a genuine memory, or something i concocted to go witjh the story she told me. Memory is all so confusing especially when we don't want to believe what people are trying to get us to remember.

Bourbon

thank you bourbon and johnny-jack I got off the phone with my sister today and evidently my mom keeps on calling her, and left some messages telling her about our whole conversation, and about how I guess she's very angry that I brought up the whole issue, or something.

Ugh I am so fed up with all this juvenile behavior.

I'm so sorry your going through this. It sucks when your surrounded by children in adult bodies. Is there a way to get the story from another party?
If not, you already have so many stories, which one sounds real(er) to you?
Which person is more trustworthy? What's the commonality between them? Sometimes 80% sure is all we got. ((Hugs if wanted))

Borg wrote:I'm so sorry your going through this. It sucks when your surrounded by children in adult bodies. Is there a way to get the story from another party?
If not, you already have so many stories, which one sounds real(er) to you?
Which person is more trustworthy? What's the commonality between them? Sometimes 80% sure is all we got. ((Hugs if wanted))

I was talking to my Dad for a really long time, and although I made an agreement with my mom and kinda with my T that I would keep my mom out of my conversations with him(because it can cause bias opinions, etc, that aren't good for me), I had to talk to him about what my mom told me. He said he never talked to any child protective services at that time lol, and that it's news to him. He also said he was pretty sure it was 3 months but he admitted that it was so long ago it's possible he's wrong, that he will look it up.

Just the mere fact that he doesn't get defensive and angry like my mom, I think, says who I can trust in this and most situations. When I visit my grandmother, I know I will probably get better proof, since I know she has pictures, etc, possibly with dates. I'm gonna try to not let it bother me for now.

He said he never talked to any child protective services at that time lol, and that it's news to him. He also said he was pretty sure it was 3 months but he admitted that it was so long ago

Ugh. eventually those who lie trip themselves up, I think that's why they don't like you digging, cause they have to keep their story straight. this is where I like aspd people more, they lie just to lie, so it's easier.
You got your Dad now though, it sucks what happened, but he sounds cool. I tend to ruminate too long on stuff, not much help with not letting bother advice, so hopefully you'll have a good day. (I hope that makes sense).

Thanks borg It's been a rough day but not related to this. I talked more to him last night and he explained some more about the whole thing. I didn't realize that it was a "she left" type situation. I thought that he at least knew she was going. He told me he came home from work and the babysitter was with my sister and me. He said I started crying really bad after about 2 days My mom hasn't called me at all since I spoke with her...thank goodness.

Sometimes I think I do this kind of thing on purpose. To be honest, I guess I'm trying to see how far I can push her before she finally disowns me again. This time I won't run after her.