Alters and cheating

I really, really hate to bring this topic up. I know it's probably been talked about in this forum; last night I started to search, but didn't find much before I got tired & went to bed. So I figured I'd just start a thread.

This is something I'm constantly pushing to back burner so I don't have to deal with it. Been with my boyfriend who is dissociative almost three years. Everything was really good and fine until that first summer. Something funny happened. There was a fling, or something short-lived that I found out about. This was before I knew about the DID. He profusely denied it, and never owned up to it (I didn't know at the time that he probably had no recollection of it). It was hard to regain trust again, and I felt really alone knowing what I knew, but not getting any resolution out of it.

Things marched along pretty well, until--you guessed it. The following summer. Something that seemed similar happened, but I have no proof, only intuition. Of course, it's obvious to me that summer is a very triggering time of year for him. This summer felt the same.

Now, despite the fact that things have been progressing well---that I know about the DID, and his trust is growing in me, and he seems happier, I still have issues with trust. As is common with DID, he can be very secretive. I'm really quite used to it, not particularly offended by it, and understand the reasons behind it.

Thing is though...I feel alone and scared. When he goes out of town, I worry. I worry a lot about old girlfriends coming back, or that alters have attachments to them. I know different alters want different things, and may come out and feel trapped that they are with me, or in their current situations. Most of the alters seem happy with me, to the best of my knowledge. I know there's bound to be some that don't like me.

I know until he get therapy there will probably be no end it sight.

Does anyone have any wise words of wisdom?

I've been in your boyfriend's shoes countless times, and still find myself there. Sometimes I think silence is for the best, that it'll do more harm than good, that I'll lose the person I want to be with. But your boyfriend seems to not know about his trip-ups, whether they're his or his alter's, and so that creates a different situation. What I've found is that communication is the best thing. Openness BEFORE anything has a chance to happen. Knowledge of the risks before they present themselves. For example, one of my alters, L.C., is very attached to an old friend from 8th grade that I ran into a few months ago and started to catch up with (his name is David). Before anything had a chance to happen, I let my boyfriend Mike know that in 8th grade, both myself and L.C. liked David romantically, and though I've moved on, L.C. still likes him that way. It helps Mike to prepare himself for possible bad news, and it helps him to understand about why things were done, if they were, instead of just viewing me as being unfaithful. True, it doesn't make him feel better knowing that there's a risk, but he'd rather have prior knowledge and understanding of the situation than to be blind-sided with it later. If you can, talk with your boyfriend. Try to find out more about past girlfriends, see if any alters of his might hint at any connections that are still there, perhaps ask him to write about his feelings for you and see if that triggers any other alters to write about their own feelings. They may not all match up. I know that when I write about Mike, my oldest alter Kat will usually burst forward and start writing about how she wants to be single and how she hates being "tied down". Try to learn as much as you can about his possible conflicting interests and desires, that way you can understand all parts of him more and know things ahead of time instead of having to deal with the situation after it already happened. It might hurt to realize how conflicting his interests can be, but at least then you can understand why things happen a bit better. I've had boyfriends leave before after an alter of mine has cheated on them, and it hurts so much more to know that they don't understand that it wasn't ME who cheated on them. I'd rather them know that it wasn't ME, but another part of me, even if they still left. I'd rather have them understand the situation than have them think it was my fault or think that I'm simply an unfaithful person, when really I try so hard to be faithful, but some parts of me are still able to do what they want at times despite how much I hate it. Besides, the more you know and understand, the more you might be able to work with your boyfriend and his alters to come to solutions or compromises. Mike's come up with deals for L.C. and Kat. He doesn't like it, but he'd rather compromise with them than have them get frustrated and cheat on him and be out of control. For Kat, it's a month time of basically being single, with a few rules (like no sex with strangers). She has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, and her "break" will happen once we get a job and have income again. For L.C., it's a month of freedom with David, but since she's 16, the rules are a bit different (like no sex allowed, but she can at least cuddle with him and kiss him and stuff, which is all she really wants anyway). Like I said, Mike doesn't really like it, but he'd rather give them breaks on his terms in set amounts of time than risk having them get out of control and rebel and cheat on him whenever. It's the lesser of 2 evils for him, and at least this way he can understand the situation better so that it hurts a bit less. I hope some of this is helpful to you, and I hope that you and your boyfriend can come to a better understanding with each other. If you have any questions or want to rant or anything, feel free to PM me. *hugs if wanted*

Dear Tomboy, wow..thank you, and I must say, that really took a lot of courage to come out and tell me all of that. I so appreciate it.

Nope, by BF really had no recollection of the event in question that first summer. He is not in therapy, and there isn't a lot of co-consciousness between alters. As a matter of fact, only one I've spoken to has actually acknowledged he knows about the DID. Most of the others don't know there's others. That's why it's hard to come out and talk about this. It would cause a switch too, into a protector who can be very defensive about what he perceives I'm accusing him of.

I really hope one day we can get to the point where he is more co-conscious and compromises can be made. He will get to a certain point where he just can't take things anymore and he will leave. It's like the time-out you described, only I'm not there, and I don't know what's going on. He's usually happy to come home again. One time, a long time ago, he did tell me that there were times he'd go a long, long time without intimacy. This was before I knew he had DID, but I accepted it anyway. Now, it makes a whole lot more sense.

I think he's greatly influenced when he is contacted by a person, or starts talking to them a lot, it can create a switch and he'll be "gone."

**hugs back at you, they're always appreciated!** and yes, I may PM you at some point. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

Patience, one of the plus sides of being in a relationship with someone who has DID is that individual alters tend to be very constant, very loyal and devoted. This means that although you may feel a lot of pain over your SO's episodic relationships with others, probably you need not fear that his host personality will be inconstant or unfaithful to you. Where things could go very wrong is if there is a change of host. Several posters here have reported being in this situation with someone they love, and it is truly heartbreaking.

My dissociative disorder is all new to me this year and I don't have good communication yet with my alters. However, my experience is mostly of passive influence, meaning I do not experience much amnesia ... as far as I know. There is the worm in the apple: it is possible to have amnesia for any awareness of amnesia. Last year "I" fell in love with a man, a new acquaintance I hardly knew. I experienced my feelings for him as inexplicably alien to me, and I even disclosed to the man not only these feelings but that these feelings were somehow not me. I tried desperately to verbalize a very strange inner experience. Then I started hearing voices in my head. You can read more about it in my thread Alter in love was a mystery to me. I love my husband and remain committed to my marriage. Fortunately we practice very open and honest communication, and I have his full support.

Una, I've been thinking about this post all day. What can you tell me about the change of the host, as opposed to another alter surfacing? Change in host would mean the new host would be out for a longer period of time? Is this what happens when they speak of a "hard switch?"

This, I think, did happen to us last year. It was a very difficult time. And the thing about it was that other than the huge change of opinions in the new host, it pretty much seemed like the same person. He just didn't want to be around me any longer.

How does the system decide it's time for a new "host?"

By the way, I just realized you're Una+...sorry I forgot the +!

Actually, I am Una. The convention on this forum is that the host is posting unless the post is colored or signed by one of the others.

Anyway, there can be a long term change of host. A few significant others have posted here about that happening to their DID person, and the DID person leaving them for someone else. In some cases two alters time-share the body and sometimes then the DID person has two significant others. Poster ADucksWife is the SO in such a situation.

How and why this happens depends on the DID system. There does not seem to be a general pattern, but theory suggests it will happen only when a host is "depleted" and feels unable to cope with life. Another alter will then take over as host.

What happens if the host switches back, and sees everything that happened while he was "gone?"

The host would likely be upset if he found another part of him was doing something he would not do. But the impulse to hide DID and knowledge of alters and write it all off to ANYTHING else but DID can be absolutely overwhelming. It's not just awareness of the alters that is avoided, underneath that is memory of the abuse. I always knew my mother was off balance and I remembered one incident of comparatively "mild" abuse by my father. But until this year, I only knew 1-2% of the total abuse. My DID and admission I had other parts was so protective, I just wouldn't let myself know. I wish anyone anywhere anytime had said "Johnny, you have multiple personalities, deal with it." It may well have been devastating, but really, were years of shutting down my life in order to avoid being crippled by triggers I didn't understand worth the momentary shock of discovering I had a major mental illness? I answer NO, NO, NO! Hell, no.

The most consistent thing my mother said when I told her she had DID and had done unspeakable things to me and my sister said was "why didn't anyone ever tell me, how could I not know, and why didn't someone make me listen???"

If a host-switch or even a temporary switch to an alter was significant and damaging to your relationship, you need to respond with justifiable anger and let him know he was someone else pure and simple, he is multiple. The shock and a potential breakdown is preferable to years of the same isn't it, for both him and for you? He has little or no control over this stuff. If you were him, would you want someone to keep his inappropriate or possibly dangerous behavior hidden from you, even if you were determined not to hear about it?

Unacknowledged DID can have periods of stasis but untreated it usually leads to tremendous and repeated suffering. I realize you're biding your time and waiting for the proper circumstances but the perfect time may never arrive and in the meantime, you or he or both may be very hurt by triggers from the past. Just food for thought, Patience. I think you're doing a tremendous job and deserve a good samaritan award and a great significant other award. This man is lucky you're at his side, all of him is.

Excellent observation, Johnny-Jack. I HAVE been biding my time, for several reasons. 1) we have discussed therapy for him because he thinks he has "issues"...although I have told him he has multiple personalities. I say, good..as long as we get him to therapy, BUT it has to be HIS decision. I will strongly encourage, but it has to come with him. I don't want to prod him into a decision. 2) I don't want to constantly bring up his abuse, because he needs to function on a daily basis, so when HE brings it up, we talk about it.

That said, I don't want to be his "accomplice" in not getting help. I need to either &*%$ or get off the pot, so to speak.

He had a major switch last year. And I'm telling you...if I didn't know about the DID, I would've sworn it was the same guy...he was completely rational in telling me he just didn't like me, didn't connect with me, etc. Then, I found out he was hanging out with teens, etc. and it became a little clearer. These major switches usually don't happen all of a sudden. It starts gradually until it becomes a complete tailspin.

If someone had said to you "Johnny you have multiple personalities--deal with it" would you have believed them? Would they have had to tell you several times so that it made its way around the system (or are the others always listening?). Course I'd never say "deal with it", that sounds a little harsh! LOL...