Torn: should I confront her or just let it go? Poss trigger

So I recently learned from my Dad something about my mom that appalls me. I have spoken to my older sister, who doesn't remember much, but verifies at least part of the story. For those of you who don't know, I was estranged from my Dad and his side of the family for most of my life.

My mom, for years, told me that my Grandmother "kidnapped" me and my sister. This would have been when I was 1 and my sis was 5. She told me she had to come and get us with the cops.

Now that I am talking to my Dad again, I hear(and my Grandmother's) side of the story. According to them, my mom took off on a 3 month hiatus to New York trying to jumpstart her acting career. Since my Dad couldn't take care of us alone, he took us to live with our grandmother, about 5 states away. My Grandmother is so sweet when she talks about this, telling me that I actually took my first steps with her.

Evidently my mom did come with the cops to take us away( I don't know why I feel like I actually remember this)but it wasn't because we were "kidnapped" like she always made me believe. If my Dad and Grandmother's story is true(and I trust them more) this would mean my mom is not only a manipulator, but also a stone cold liar.

I want to confront her with this. I want to hear her side of the story. But should I just let it go? Even if it's true, should I just not bring it up, since it was years ago and I was a baby anyways so maybe it really doesn't matter all that much? Has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks for any advice you give. Obviously it's a decision I gotta make myself, but I am curious to hear others' take on it.

I was recently reading n a book that advised confronting for healing. First i want to say, for me that word is so strong, confront. I know if someone wants to get me to eat something, a feeling of theirs, a belief, info 4 feed back, etc... The package its wrapped n is of vital importance. So the word confront i believe totally needs 2 be re-dressed, n 2 a softer appearance. How do u feel when u r confronted? I usually shut down.
So i decided that i would call my mother, who only this past year have i talked to for a really long time, years. Though we have talked now on a few occasions now. Anyway it only took a few seconds to realize i wasnt going to get Anywhere with her, she is n so much denial. I made a quick excuse to get off the phone.
A few years ago i realized that all the things i couldnt stand n my mother, were things that also had shown up n me. It wasnt until i forgave her and really released the stuff about her i had such a hatred of, that i felt i was free from it. And at times i still c a propencity for them attempt to arise.
I also have found, to my dismay, that if i look hard enough, any judgement i have against anyone is also something i do myself. For real. It has never failed, once i learned this and notice it, and c i am judge ing someone, oops there it is. If i look for it i c it n me. Have i been a cold faced liar? Yes i have. Have i been manipulative? Yes i know i have. So i try my best to sow mercy so that i may reap it as well.
Often times the truth isnt n either side but somewhere n the middle. I believe if u really want to know, then figure out a way to present it that is going to most likely inable ur mother to tell the truth. Also have u thought about checking with the police and seeing if there is any file on record still, maybe in an archive or something? I went back trying to find records on my birth. It ended up the records had been stored in the basement and got ruined n a flood. However all of that should b a matter of public record.
Also, i would suggest u dont set urself up for failure. I wasnt going to let my mothers denial effect me. So even though i was dissappointed i refused to let it set me off. And i try to see her how i would like her to b. I know my father seeing me as stupid, calling me stupid, created a belief n me that i was stupid. People r going to show themselves to us as we believe they r. So try 2 c ur mother as being able to tell u the truth as much as possible. I also realize that my mother got to b the way she is because of herself being abused, neglected, etc... It wasnt that she is such a mess cause she was treated like a valid human being.
Also u might ask everyone with n u what they would like 2 gain from talking with her, etc... Blessings

I would say your choice should totally depends on you. Would it help you, overall, all of you? If so, do it. If it's destabilizing and overall not a good time for you, consider waiting. The fact of what she did may not matter, maybe, but the potential reality that, as you said, "my mom is not only a manipulator, but also a stone cold liar" -- well, that matters.

I have a very recent story of confrontation. Overall it was needed and healing to me and it was the right thing to do in my circumstances. This past April I recovered memory of the mother's abuse I had virtually no inkling of. In June I was nearby and considered (on this board) whether to visit her and confront her. It seemed too soon and it would have cut short a vacation I had given to one of my alters who needed it for his own healing. Plus my alters didn't want me to go so we didn't. The next month, I didn't feel ready but I sensed that time was running out. So late July/early Aug I went home and confronted my mother with the horrible abuse, beatings, drownings, chokings. Now I had also recalled memories that proved to me she had DID, so I knew the cruelty came from one or more bad alters. Nevertheless, I confronted her, including details about only half of the damage she did and nothing about my father's abuse, focusing on her abuse of me and of my little sister.

She didn't remember any of it, as I suspected, but I could see her alter slowing her down, being there in her face. I asked that alter not to make her remember everything (about all the other bad stuff), that I knew in her warped way she was trying to protect my mother, but to please just confirm that I was telling the truth so she could get it and so that I could forgive her. I told her the reason I visited, the only reason I was there, was to get her to send a letter of apology to my sister, who was so damaged by her alter's cruelty and who had been estranged for her for two decades. My mother has apologized for virtually nothing she did, ever. And she said she would never send such a letter because how could she apologize for something I say she did but that she couldn't remember doing. I had expected this.

I had copious flashbacks and dissociated continually while I was there and she witnessed it all. My mother never told me I was wrong or making it up. She said she was very concerned for me, worried I was having such a hard time. She kept saying she couldn't remember and I know that's true. It was obvious she has always lived in a fantasy world of rewritten history of an idyllic family and lots of friends whom she never wronged. I would tell her I recalled her locking me in the cold basement from which I could hear my sister crying out in pain as she was tortured. She heard and responded and less than a minute later she was talking about the fun trips to Europe my sister and I had taken her on, in a failed attempt to gain her love or something. This went on and on the entire time. My mentioning the cruel events, her responding, then a cute story of imagined happiness. I told her I loved the good alter I mostly knew as my mother and I forgave her. After a few of the hardest days in my life, I left feeling I had communicated what I wanted, I had done my damaged young alters justice by confronting her, but that the purpose of my mission, an apology for my sister, had failed. I got three phone messages from her and decided not to call her back. There was none of me left for her.

She died about a month later. She was old and feeble and perhaps it was her time. I may well have opened to her memories that haunted her and accelerated her death. The second morning of my visit, she asked me to leave her alone for a day, that it was all too much, she kept saying "I don't know how to integrate everything you've told me." She hadn't slept the entire night, she had such horrible nightmares. By telling her and forgiving her, I also may have helped bring her, all of her, some peace. I don't know and I'm sure I'll never know. I haven't felt a moment of guilt but there are regrets for other lost opportunities. My sisters all came and we witnessed a funeral all about the good woman and her wonderful long-dead husband. There was zero mention of the cruelty from both that most people never saw, but some there had. My younger sister handed me a card which was addressed to me that the mother in her confusion had mailed to my sister along with a card to her. In these letters to us, my mother apologized for whatever she did to us and said she was sorry but she couldn't remember.

I think Exceptional and Johnny-Jack put it really well.

Before I faced the reality of my mother's delusions/severity of her mental illness, I believed perhaps, my reality was wrong, as she said, um..well, my advise, if your mom is like mine...prepare for a mindf***, if your mom is semi-normal, their might be hope you'll get the answer's you are looking for. Just go prepared for things to not turn out how you had hoped. Some people aren't ready to heal with misgivings of the past.
I would set a plan, as to what you hope to accomplish, for your sake, not to change her or anything, but what would help you heal. Go for it. But have a plan B in case it crash and burns. I like Exceptional's idea of looking at police records too. Third party's info can be helpful.

Wow divided, I am so sorry. That must have been quite a hard thing to discover... I'm sure you haven't even begun to wrap your head around it.

Our lives and our childhoods are so complex. Even though its easy to fall into the habit of wanting to label things "good" and "bad" and say people are "right" or "wrong," life just isn't that simple. Life isn't that simple, relationships aren't that simple, and emotions aren't that simple.

As adults, we are able to see, understand, and appreciate the complexity of relationships, and we can accept and embrace that people are not perfect. This is harder for children however, because their minds are still growing and developing, and so they still see things through their simplistic views. This is totally normal and natural.

What's tricky is the relationship we have with our parents as adults. We want them to be perfect, and to be all those things we hoped they could be, but parents, like any other humans, are not perfect.

So what happens when we discover that they didn't provide the things that they should've provided? And in your case, what do you do when you discover that your mom has actually manipulated important facts surrounding a major event in your childhood?

Let me start out by saying what a huge betrayal this must feel like. I am so sorry.

I don't think there's a simple answer to your question. There is a possibility that your mom has truly convinced herself that you were kidnapped by your grandmother. Maybe her mind concocted that story so she wouldn't have to face the guilt of what she really did. I don't know.

Just because you were little does not make this any less significant. In fact, it almost makes it more so, since that is the age we are most vulnerable and need the most protection.

I think you, as a whole, will need to hear her explanation eventually - when you feel ready to bring it up and confront her. You may want to wait to be able to discuss it with your therapist first so that you have the extra support you need. I think you must also prepare yourself for the possibility that she will deny the truth when confronted, or simply try to avoid the whole conversation entirely. I don't know your mom, so I don't know how she'll respond. But from what you've described, there is probably a good chance she won't have the reaction and response that you would hope for her to have, one of open receptivity, of really listening to what you are saying (and your grandmothers side of the story), and ultimately apologizing for what she did.

Ultimately, the point of confronting people who have hurt or betrayed us in the past, is to provide expression to the things we weren't able to express (whether we were too little, too scared, etc) and to take our power back. It's really not for or about the other person, it is about us. We do it for ourselves, because we recognize we have a right to stand up for ourselves, to voice our opinions, and to say, "what you did was not okay." It is not about expecting the other person to see what they did wrong or to apologize for it. Because the likely scenario is that they won't, and they we are left even more resentful. We do it not for them but for ourselves.

I think you will figure out the best course of action in time. You are very wise, and you are very intuitive. I'm sure you will have to work out and process your feelings about this in therapy. It will take time and it won't be easy. But now you have the support in your life that you didn't necessarily have before. And now it's time you took your power back.

I don't know if that answered your question, or is helpful at all. But just rest assured that you will work through this, you will figure it out, and you a very strong and capable person. You will know the best approach in time. Trust yourself that you will know when you are ready to address this with your mom. Til then, you have the support of all of us, and your T, and now your dad and grandma! How wonderful is that!!

What's tricky is the relationship we have with our parents as adults. We want them to be perfect, and to be all those things we hoped they could be, but parents, like any other humans, are not perfect.

I just reread what I wrote and realized how this might come across. What I was intending, when I said this, was not at ALL to excuse your mom's behavior in any way, shape, or form. My intention in saying this is to relate to some of the things that are possibly going through your head. I know, just from my own experience, how complicated our relationship with our parents can be. I vacillate between hating my mom with a rageful vengeance to loving her and thinking she did the best she could. Both those extremes are valid. They did the best they could AND they f*cked up big time. Neither is easy to accept.

The way i see it is... any thing that was done to you, any actions that affected you, now or in the future or in the present.. you have a right to know about and ask about.

I don't think I could add much more, it was all said very well. I will say this: confrontation can be very healing, especially when it's something that still has impact on you now, despite how long ago it originally happened. And this is definitely something that would impact me now, so I can imagine that it's impacting you as well. Letting it go is the same as burying feelings, ignoring issues, and putting aside things that you need to work through in order to move on healthily. However, I do agree with the fact that it needs to be done in time, at the right time, when you feel stable and safe enough to confront and when you perhaps have extra support from your therapist. (Extra support is always helpful). I know I still need to confront my dad about a lot, and I had chances to in the past, but it wasn't the right time, I didn't feel safe or stable enough to do so. Be patient with yourself and work through your own feelings about this first, then once you're sure of yourself and you possibly have extra support, confront her when you feel ready to do so. I think with something like this is would be helpful and healing to you.

By the way, I am so sorry that you've found this out the way you did and that it was a different story to you for so long, and I am so sorry for how it must be making you feel. *hugs if wanted*

thanks everyone. This is actually something my Dad told me awhile ago, and I had the major anger feelings and stuff then. I started thinking of it again when I talked to my Grandmother and was telling me all kinds of things she remembers about my staying with her. Evidently I took my first steps on her front porch

Obviously now that my mom is having some medical issues I will let this confrontation wait... As I get closer to actually being able to confront, I'll read your advice more carefully. Gotta go to bed now...thanks again.