New here

And there is more. I am using my original thread again just because it is nice to keep all of my progress together.

It is pretty much confirmed that Baby Princess, the infant, is Seed. I still don't want to hold her and it makes me nervous to even be around her, but yeah, she is Seed (what some call Core).

Then I got to meet a new one. Yes, another new one.

Two years old.

Someone said (who it was I don't know) "Emily. She was never compliant with father. Mother found her to be a bother. She would cry in the night when Father would hurt her and fights would happen. Her crying would wake mother, mother would come to see what the problem was. Father would already be up since he was the cause of her tears. He would yell that he could not sleep with crying babies in the house and mother had better get her to shut up. Then mother would be cross at Emily. If only she had been more compliant with father, mother wouldn't have gotten mad at her."

I don't know what to think. These are just the things that are going on in the Woods.

How could I have memories of being 2 years old? As of a year ago I couldn't even tell you what happened when I was 10 years old, let alone 2. How is that possible?

The plot thickens...

Updating this thread for my information.

****Major trigger warnings****

Molly, 4, was the first official split. She is not Seed. She is the first official alter. She was split because she is the one that first figured out what happened was a secret, was not suppose to happen, that it was her fault that father did that, she is a bad girl, and if anyone finds out everyone will hate her.

That is what caused the first split. Hidding the abuse so people wouldn't be mad at her.

When Molly split, there were many fragments. It is a grouping. Those are the others in the center circle.

Molly, 4
Matilda, 3
Emily, 2
Alyssa, 1
Baby Princess, infant (Seed/Core)

Molly is the one closest to Seed besides Azel (ISH/essence).

Azel fragmented Molly into 5 pieces. So all 5 girls are 1.

Molly, the name, comes from her namesake, Holly.

How to explain Holly? Holly was a doll I had. Molly sometimes carries the doll with her in the inner world. I threw it out years ago but still remember it. It had a very hard head- solid hard plastic. It was a baby doll.

I would float into the stars. I would tell mother the next day how I went in the stars last night and a monster was hurting my doll Holly on my bed. My mother dismissed me. I was 4. She didn't care. I would explain to her what the monster did to Holly. She slapped my face and told me I had a dirty mind and was a sick little girl. That monsters don't come in my room, I don't go to the stars, and no one hurts Holly- she is just a doll.

I would float into the stars. Since no one was hurting Holly- the doll, Molly was there. I always felt bad for her when I left but I had to leave. I couldn't stay there. Molly would hit the monster with Holly the doll. It had a very hard head. It made the monster mad. The monster hurt Molly more. Molly wanted the monster to stop. He told her he couldn't because she made him do this. Molly was very ashamed for being a bad little girl and making the monster do that. It made mother upset.

So Molly was fractured into 5 pieces. Baby Princess is Seed (core). Molly holds the guilt for making Father do what she made him do. Matilda holds the guilt for upsetting mother. Emily and Alyssa I don't know.

But with them comes Holly the other. She is not an other though. I think the correct label is introject but in my inner world they are named "shadows".

She is a shape shifter. She can look just like Molly- her identical twin. She is the dark Molly. Molly is light, Holly is darkness. Holly can take the shape of number of monsters- mother, father, warewolves, dragons... Holly scares the fragmented bits of Molly.

This was what I figured out last night when I went into my world to figure out who it was that told me that about Emily. I asked the question. The answer was more shown to me than told. It was just an understanding that came rather than a long explanation. Weird and hard to explain.

I asked Azel why he would put Holly there to terrify the kids.

He reply: "It was needed. Everything in this world was created for the protection of Seed. If the children told people on the outside world what was happening, Seed would have been hurt. They had tried to tell before- many people in many ways. They asked for help but no one listened and that made your father mad. He hurt Seed more. I had to fracture. I had to send you to the stars, put Molly in your bed. Then I had to seperate the earlier memories from Molly into others of different ages. I had to scatter them. I buried Seed. I had to protect you. All of this was done for protection."

I asked how to make Holly go away so the kids would feel safe.

Azel smiled.

I was in my inner world. He smiled. I was standing inside the third ring looking out into the rest of the world. Holly was standing on the other side of the energy ring looking at me. Azel smiled. I looked back at Holly. She became a dragon. Then in the next second there was a sword in my hand and I was dressed fully in knights armor. 12b- Jackie as beside me also dressed for battle. I looked back into the inner ring. All the kids - the fragments of Molly- were dressed as princesses. I looked at Arabella- 14, the one in flames. She hugged me. It hurt so bad. My head was filled with flashes from the basement. I could feel heat of the flames. I was burning. There was so much pain. Then she stepped back. She wasn't a girl on flames anymore. She was me at 14. I was in flames. Flames shot from my sword. I could feel the anger, the pain. Arabella smiled. I knew the anger is what I needed to fight.

I looked at Azel. He was still smiling. He said, "you have to be the hero, kill the dragon, and rescue the princesses."

Then I woke up.

I couldn't get back to sleep for a few hours after that.

Last night was rough.

This was what I figured out last night when I went into my world to figure out who it was that told me that about Emily. I asked the question. The answer was more shown to me than told. It was just an understanding that came rather than a long explanation. Weird and hard to explain.

Your posts and progress are fascinating and inspiring. My signature lists several littles so it's fascinating to see something comparable. I too have had knowledge come back from very young, certainly before age two and I believe now before age one. But they're not exactly memories, not the kind I was storing by age four and up. It seems to me they are non-verbal image memories, how my mind would have stored things back then. My gatekeeper and I believe that he is releasing this memory/knowledge to me as needed or as I focus on things. He's told me many times that the early memories aren't neatly arranged in a filing cabinet where he can simply pull out a sheet based on a date or something. He's learning how to provide me with more memory however, rather through trial and error.

Very sick monster to claim that the little girl made him do it. Very, very sick. It would have been accurate to state simply "I am a pedophile" but that's a big word for a small child and too honest for a sick mind to claim.

I floated into the sky as well. In my reverie at night, particularly after days containing abuse I sense, I can recall how very close the stars were and how very close they felt to me.

Each alter is designed to do a job and only that job. It is endowed with characteristic traits which the Original Personality would have taken on, if it were in charge. The situation can be viewed as operating a doll factory, with only the outfits of clothes being produced. The doll, itself, is not present. The alters are the sets of clothes, but there is no doll inside any of them. Therefore, they cannot grow and change. They can only do what the ISH has programmed them to do.

It's true that many alters have an original role/job/purpose. But as with any individual, circumstances combined with their own volition can and do cause them to outgrow that role. I have no doubt there are systems where individual alters were fairly well defined at creation and they've remained fairly consistent over time. But many alters in my system morphed well beyond what they were originally created to deal with. The idea that they can only do what the ISH programmed them to do doesn't hold true for my system.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Your posts and progress are fascinating and inspiring. My signature lists several littles so it's fascinating to see something comparable.

I think out ISHs have a lot in common.

I too have had knowledge come back from very young, certainly before age two and I believe now before age one. But they're not exactly memories, not the kind I was storing by age four and up. It seems to me they are non-verbal image memories, how my mind would have stored things back then.

It is just hard for me to deal with since last year I couldn't tell you much beyond the name of the school I went to. Now I have flashes and memories of being very young. It is difficult to understand. The non-verbal images make sense though. When you are very young you know what you see and can hear sounds and tones- but it has no connection to verbal language. Purely sensory.

My gatekeeper and I believe that he is releasing this memory/knowledge to me as needed or as I focus on things. He's told me many times that the early memories aren't neatly arranged in a filing cabinet where he can simply pull out a sheet based on a date or something. He's learning how to provide me with more memory however, rather through trial and error.

Me too!

He doesn't want to overwhelm me. He gives me bits, lets me digest it, and then goes from there.

The filing cabinet system rings so true. They were in my "welcome to DID" dream and still are a way of communication. One of the "flash and I just know" things from Azel is based with filing cabinets. There is a book- it is the book of all of my memories, feelings- a diary of sorts but far more detailed. I can't read it (I as seed) since it would destroy me. So others rip the pages out. Some take just a paragraph, some take a whole page. Some take a page, take what is theirs of it, then divide up the rest and give it to some other others who then pass them around going "that's not mine, that goes to her." At the end I get a ripped up book that says "she was born.... went to school..." like the basics. Nothing much left.

We are now trying to figure out who has what page and tape it all back together in a way that makes sense.

That was probably a jumbled explaination but whatever.

It's true that many alters have an original role/job/purpose. But as with any individual, circumstances combined with their own volition can and do cause them to outgrow that role. I have no doubt there are systems where individual alters were fairly well defined at creation and they've remained fairly consistent over time. But many alters in my system morphed well beyond what they were originally created to deal with. The idea that they can only do what the ISH programmed them to do doesn't hold true for my system.

I think that is what we have to do with Holly the monster- make her help the system heal somehow. Use her to let the kids have their power back. Repurpose her. That's the goal at least.

Updating

I can't go into my inner world. Azel stops me.

I was Jackie a lot of yesterday. I never had that happen before. I wasn't me- I was Jackie. I have the memories of everything but I was behaving as her.

Typically I either feel like the driver and other people are in the car with me or that I am a passenger in the car and someone else is driving. That is to say I'm in control of the body and my others are there with me, talking, commenting. Or I am watching someone else live my life and I get to comment to them. It is kinda cool to watch switches that way. But I, since I am Self, get say in what they do. Like I can stop them from doing something that will mess up my life. That led me to believe I am co-consiousness.

Yesterday started normal then it came time to stuff the bird. The sight of the dead bird in the sink made me sick and I couldn't do it once I got the frozen turkey out of the plastic. Then I was Jackie. I was Jackie. I felt what she felt. And she did great. She cooked, not like I would but that isn't a judgement, more of an observation.

It was an odd experience. I quit smoking 6 months ago. She/I... me as she, bought a pack of cigarettes. That was the only part of the experience that sucked. I played a lot with my son as Jackie. He is into playing cop and robber now. We played for hours, me/Jackie.. I don't know how to say that. It was me but I was Jackie. Me as Jackie. So me as Jackie was the bad guy. I robbed banks, stole cars, got shot, arrested. It was fun but exhasting. I think since Jackie is 12 and I'm 32, the energy levels are different and I am sore today.

There were issues with some cooking things- me as Jackie couldn't find some things in the kitchen. I as Jackie didn't know how to do somethings so a pan got messed up. But all and all it was weird but cool. But tiring. I was so tired.

I am guessing it was co-conciousness but just of a different level.

But I can't go into my inner world. I have tried so many times in so many ways but Azel won't let me. He talks to me but won't let me in.

He said: "You don't believe in this. You don't believe so you can't be here. The others in here are real, as real as you, but you doubt that. You can't come in until you believe again."

I can still "talk" to him and Doc but none of the others and I can't go inside.

I am glad Jackie was out yesterday. Just before dinner was ready I as Jackie had a few minutes. We went on Facebook. There was a friend request. I looked. It was from my father. That pedophile, incent abusing sadistic asshole. I am glad it was Jackie that was out. She/I didn't respond at first. Went back to cooking. Later that night went back online. I as Jackie accepted the request. His facebook account was new- just created that day. Some of my cousins on his side had accepted the friend request. I accepted, wrote on his wall something - it was memories of Arabella. That wasn't me as Jackie writing it. It must have been Arabella. Then I was gone. I was a backseat driver and it was the co-consiousness I had before. I was watching Jackie. She wrote "Pedophile. I remember everything." Then removed his as a friend and blocked him. Then she went to bed.

I came back as me later when I woke from a nightmare at 3am. I have been me ever since.

There is my update.

Things are getting weird.

ashesoflife wrote:I was watching Jackie. She wrote "Pedophile. I remember everything." Then removed his as a friend and blocked him. Then she went to bed.

Wow! Jackie rocks. I would not mess with her or get in her way but out of respect. / Q

Johnny-Jack wrote:Wow! Jackie rocks. I would not mess with her or get in her way but out of respect. / Q

I laughed. I was proud of that moment. I hope it made him either kill himself, have a heart attack, or go back in the mental hospital. A girl can dream.

I'm Jackie. Hi. There is a lot of $#%^ here that makes sense because that is what Self understands, but no. She got it wrong.

First, this is my body too. I stay in most of the time but if I want to smoke I will ######6 smoke.

Second, she lists me as Bridget. I get that now but that is not my name. Then she lists Kitty as a seperate other. I'm Kitty. Kitty is a pet name of sorts. I am the fighter. I scratch, punch, you know- whatever it takes to make the bad $#%^ stop. That is a name that comes from my scratching. The kitty cat thing I have no clue on, but the one that comes out when drunk or high, that's me. I can be nice if you are nice to me.

Azel locked Self out of the inner world. That's true. Molly left. Molly is there but she is part of Seed. It's cool though because the tree in the inner world has a pink glow. That's where Seed is most of the time. The pink glow is so clearly Molly. But Self is sad that Molly is gone and Azel doesn't want her in there mourning Molly like its a bad thing. She will scare the others. I don't want to go with Seed because who will protect body then? I know Arabella will but she . ###$, I don't want to say this like she is a bad person. She is awesome. That bitch went through $#%^ even I couldn't deal with. But she is all fight. The bitch breathes fire, you know. Don't ###$ with her. Arabella can't be around the kids.

Self thinks the kids are hers. They aren't. They are all of ours. I let the oldest one dye her hair yesterday. Self didn't like that but she has to understand she doesn't get total say in everything.

I get it though. I was once new. I had to go through what she went through. It took me a while to deal with it. I had more to deal with though because Self is the main front person. I was created to take the abuse. I was the fighter. I first came out when the body was 11. I won't go into it here. It would be triggering for everyone but I was the first one to fight. I would also run away. Fight then run then hide. Then I got to go back inside once the body was safe.

But yeah I get it. It's hard to know that you aren't the only one. Self is ###$ up though because she spent so much time thinking she was the only one. I knew from the start I wasn't. I was just Azel's little puppet.

Azel isn't our best friend. Maybe Self likes him but ###$ that idiot. Other people get to deal with the easy $#%^ but as soon as things get to hard for the rest of them to deal- I don't know. I am the sacrificial lamb. It's #######4.

Doc. OMG. She doesn't just talk to Self. She is always after me too. Goes on about releasing my anger. ###$ that. I did redirect it. I really thought for a long time that Molly is the one to blame. Part of her going to Seed was me knowing it wasn't her, it was that jerk that was suppose to be our dad. Now I'm angry at someone else. This is my anger. I earned it. I'm not letting go of it.

Self keeps asking about Arabella. I'm the only one that really knows her. I start to tell Self about her then Azel makes me stop. He doesn't want to scare Self. There is nothing scary about Arabella though. She is pretty bad ass but as long as she is on your side there is nothing to worry about.

I don't know. I just wanted to clear some stuff up. I'm not 12. I get that that is how I come off, but I'm 17. I'm not the age of my creation which is 11. I grew until 17 and then didn't want any part of it anymore.

I just get sick of people saying the wrong things about me. I'm gonna put body to bed. I've been out for a while now. Self is weak. Since Molly went to Seed she hasn't been able to be around. She has to stop acting like Molly's dead though. That will really throw off everybody else.