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I don't know.

Azel had me make three rings in the garden, each ring had a specification. The inner most circle was only for pure spirits, the secondary was for those that needed protection but couldn't be considered pure yet, and the third was for everyone else. The inner ring consisted of Molly and Matilda but Jill and Amy are welcome there. The ones in the inner circle are the only ones allowed to take control of the body. He told me it was very important that if a spirit could not pass through to the inner circle I was not to allow it to control. The secondary ring was for 10 with red eyes, 8, Alice (when she wants out of the well, the one on fire, and Jill and Amy stand there. The outer ring I don't know. I can't see them. For now they are shadows. Apparently I'm not ready to meet them.

Gatekeeper? Maybe me. According to Azel I have to make sure if they can't pass into the center ring they can't have the body. I know Mistress Mariweather and Maria are able to take over but they aren't devoloped. They are worker bees.

Also we have a new addition- an infant. The baby scares me. Molly brought her to me and asked me to hold her. I didn't like it. She wasn't bad in anyway but that made me extremely uncomfortable. The baby probably relates back to what Bridget remembers of what father said about how he abused "us" as a baby. She is called Baby Princess.

In the grand sceme of things, according to Azel, I have to fully heal all of the ones within the secondary circle so they can pass into the inner ring. Then I can go into the outer ring and sort through those spirits. Most of them will need to be destroyed as they were never part of us- they are fragments of memories- inner demons. They must be defeated. Then all remaining spirits must pass. His way of explaining it is odd but what I got from it is their souls must be released and their bodies must die. Their bodies will nurish seed so seed can grow. The souls of the others will become part of shell, then shell must be shed. Then seed will take full control of body.

The short term goal is with Molly. I have to hear and heal all of Molly's memories. I have to admit to her that I was the one that left her to take the abuse. I have to make her understand what happened to her and why she is here. Then I will do the same for Bridget. I have to get Bridget to shut up- she blames Molly for the abuse from father and Alice for making mom leave when we were 15 (Alice told mom (again) what father was doing to us and mother left saying we were old enough to take care of ourselves). So I have to make Bridget understand that Molly and Alice are not to blame. Then I have to get Alice out of the well and get her to stay out.

From there I will work on the others that are around.

According to Azel, Alice holds the box and I have to find the keys. The box is buried below her in the wishing well. It holds faith and truth. Once we get the keys, we have to dig up the box.

I don't get it and it is scary. What scares me the most is explaining to Molly that I left her there to take the abuse for me.

I'm only a few months into it. I have a hard time believing any of it alone understanding it. Doc (Voice) is trying to help me though.

I just do what the voices in my head tell me to do. Azel says the other shells cracked and were not strong enough to do the rest. He says I am strong enough and we are going to take it slow.

I feel safe here. I can talk about how weird I am without fear of judgement. My guards are down which is weird for me.

I have some things about me I would like to share and some questions to ask. I have a feeling that I am going to ramble, so in advance I would like to apologize for that.

My life has always been odd. I have always felt like a weird kid. I would try to adapt my personality to fit in with everyone or at the very least to not be as noticed. When I was younger I wished for two things- wings to fly away and the ablity to turn invisable. I still find myself wishing for those things.

The things that made me know that I am not like other people the most are:

-I would walk into things... cars, walls, doors. Not that I thought I could walk thru them but just because I was lost in my head and wasn't paying attention.
-I could sense emotions that others could not.
-I would say the oddest things- like I would walk up to another kid in school that I never talked to and just say "My cat died a few months ago. I know what you are going through. You are going to be okay." and they would be like "how did you know my cat died this morning?" I would just shrug and walk away.
-I slept with my blankie until I was 16.
-I would black out but still have some hint as to what went on during my absense.
-I often stop mid sentance when speaking, go quiet for a few seconds to a minute, then continue speaking. I never notice it but other have and report it to me.
-I would often feel like I was watching myself do things- like I was standing across the room from myself.
-I sometimes feel like I am in a movie and none of this is real.
-I heard a voice for a while in my teens and then in my early/mid 20s.
-I would sometimes have to tell my head to stop so I could focus on what was going on in the outer world.
-I can do things very well sometimes, then the next time I go to do them can't remember how to get started.
-People tell me we had a conversation about ____ just an hour ago but I don't remember it.
-People tell me I go blank a lot, like I'm not even there. Then suddenly I come back but I am still 10 minutes ago and have no idea what happened in the time I was blank.
-I have nightmares.
-I have vivid dreams.
-I get really bad headaches. A lot. A lot a lot. Medications- even prescription ones- don't help.

~~~~~~~

I've seen others do lists of their inner people. Here's mine at the moment:

Molly, 4 years old, carries around my doll Holly from when I was little. I suspect when I would float out of my bed to the stars I would imagine Holly turned into Molly- a real girl, and took my place. She is mostly happy but gets sad sometimes. She just wants hugs and to know it isn't her fault.

Jill, 14 years old, quiet, doesn't say much. She is the one that went to high school for me. Former Self. She broke and remembered the past and then went inside.

Bridget, 12 years old. Angry but funny. Sarcastic. Defensive. I would certainly lable her as a protector though she blames Molly for what Father did and Alice for making Mother abandon us as 15.

Alice, 15 years old. Suicidal, self harming, despair. Lives at the bottom of a wishing well. Scarred up, tear stained cheaks. She just wants to die. She speaks but is not allowed to control the body. When she talks it is odd- she just repeats things about spirals. She is a poet and an artist. Her work is dark.

Amy, 12 years old. Bridget's twin. Self from middle school.

Matilda, 3 years old. Smiles and full of life. She remember horsey rides with daddy and is very confused why mommy is so mad at her all the time.

The one in flames. Female, 15 years old. Alice's twin. Born in the basement crawlspace. No contact with her so far.

10, male, 10 years old. Red eyes and covered in scars. No contact.

8, female, 8 years old. She gets triggered by Bridget and starts repeating the things Father use to say. She is angry and sad. She's lost. Has no words of her own.

Azel, not one of us. I asked what he is and he said "I created the system to protect Seed. I am not one of you. Your best comprehension of me is either guardian angel or white lighter but I am neither of those." He is my best friend right now.

Doc, Female, in her 40s. She has me read all kinds of things on psychology. She is trying to help us all understand. She can't speak to the rest of them- just me, she is an inner voice of reason. Her nickname is Voice. Voice of reason. She is "logic" and is trying to be "understanding". She tries to find the information needed to help Molly to stop feeling sad and to get Alice out of the well.

Maria, worker bee. She cleans, she washes, she takes care of things. Doesn't speak but can take control of the body. Doesn't speak when in the body. If someone interupts while she is out, she goes back in, lets someone else handle the person talking to us, and waits to finish her work.

Mistress Mariweather, worker bee. Our resident Mary Poppins/Nanny McPhee/Supernanny. She only comes out when shell doesn't know what to do with the children (real kids- I'm a mom of three) and gets them settled down and back on task- clean their rooms, do their homework, stop fighting over what movie to watch. She was created when the first child was born and we all didn't want to be a mom like our mother. She learns about child psychology, conflict management, proper discipline.

Mama Bear. I don't know what to say about this one. In the woods she is a very large brown bear. If someone hurts or tries to hurt one of my three kids, she is the one they have to deal with and she doesn't mess around.

Kitty, early 20s, female. Comes out when I am drunk or high. Loves to laugh and make other people laugh. Very extroverted and social. Kind and funny. A bit of a wild side to her though.

Kitty Kat... this is one I feel weird talking about. If you leave me alone in a room with a cat or dog, I will be down on all fours playing with it. As soon as another human is heard coming, I'm standing back up and out of breath from running around.

Infant, a new one I know nothing about except that she is called Baby Princess. Molly carries her around sometimes.

Self, me. 32 years old, female. 3 kids. Stay at home mom.

~~~~~~~

I feel weird including myself in the list but I guess I am one of the others too. Odd concept for me.

There are others around that I haven't met yet. I am going to guess that by the time I get done with this journey the head count is going to be around 30-40, but a lot of the ones I haven't met yet are ones that Azel calls "shadows". They aren't part of me, they are just there and need to leave.

My inner world is "The Woods." It has three rings of energy.

I read somewhere about how someone gave her others magic powers. I liked it so I gave Molly wings, beautiful fairy wings, so she can fly away when she is scared. Now she sits at the top of the tree in the woods a lot. She feels like a beautiful butterfly. I gave Matilda the ablity to turn invisable and run very fast. When she gets afraid, she vanishes. I gave Alice and the one in flames density- they weigh 15 ton despite their size. No one can pick them up and carry them anywhere to hurt them.

I'm making progress although it is slow. Azel said the other shells/selves cracked because he was rushing things too much and he isn't going to make that mistake again. We are moving slow, we are taking breaks when needed, and we will reach the finish line when we reach the finish line. It isn't a race to get there- it is just important to take a step toward it when we can. If we take a few steps back and rest it is okay because we are still on the path.

I have never been to a shrink of any sort. I am not diagnosed with anything at the moment, but I believe I have DID. I also know I am going to be okay.

~~~~~~~~~~

Questions:

How long does this journey take?

Are "the others" in me typical?

What is Azel?

How do you figure out who the gatekeeper is?

ashesoflife wrote:I feel safe here. I can talk about how weird I am without fear of judgement. My guards are down which is weird for me.

This is good. It is really hard to come out of the closet. Everyone posting here knows exactly how hard it is, because all of us have had to climb over the same wall of fear and anxiety. I remember when I first started reading this forum, thinking no way can these people be for real and I was horrified by the idea that it could all be real and happening to me. And yet I identified with so much of what the posters here were sharing about themselves. I imagine it is similar for you.

ashesoflife wrote:How long does this journey take?

You know the answer. It takes as long as it takes. Your life journey will take your entire lifetime, no more and no less than that.

ashesoflife wrote:Are "the others" in me typical?

Yes

ashesoflife wrote:What is Azel?

Ask Azel.

ashesoflife wrote:How do you figure out who the gatekeeper is?

Every DID system has some way of routing perception to consciousness, that is how triggering works, but not every DID system has a gatekeeper per se. I don't seem to have one, and I aim to take on that role myself.

Una+ wrote:It is really hard to come out of the closet.

It is hard to admit things but when I come to this forum I feel better. Thank you all for that. I just don't feel so alone in this mess.

Ask Azel.

I did. He says my best comprehension of him is a guardian angel or a whitelighter but he is neither of those things.

Every DID system has some way of routing perception to consciousness, that is how triggering works, but not every DID system has a gatekeeper per se. I don't seem to have one, and I aim to take on that role myself.

That makes sense then. I can't seem to find one though I hear other people on here talking about them. Azel told me that if the others can't pass into the center ring of the woods not to let them have the body. And I am never, never never to allow Alice to have the body. She will harm it and kill Seed.

ashesoflife wrote:[I just don't feel so alone in this mess.

You are not alone. You have company here, and you have your insiders.

ashesoflife wrote:He says my best comprehension of him is a guardian angel or a whitelighter but he is neither of those things.

Ah, then Azel is what the authorities on DID term an inner self helper (ISH). Dr. Ralph Allison describes the ISH as a kind of supernatural, spiritual being, possibly an agent of God.

Ah, then Azel is what the authorities on DID term an inner self helper (ISH). Dr. Ralph Allison describes the ISH as a kind of supernatural, spiritual being, possibly an agent of God.

I am having an amazing light bulb moment. I googled inner self helper.

I found this: http://www.dissociation.com/index/definition/

What does this produce clinically?

The first effect is dissociation of the Intellectual Self from the Emotional Self. The Intellectual Self (aka Essence, Risei) then sends the Emotional Self (aka Original Personality, Kanjou) into hiding somewhere in Thoughtspace, so the Original Personality abdicates executive control over the physical body.

The Essence takes on the role of Inner Self Helper (Damage Control Officer) and has to go to work making the first False-Front Alter-Personality to run the body. The ISH designs and programs all alters to do whatever is necessary to keep the child alive.

Each alter is designed to do a job and only that job. It is endowed with characteristic traits which the Original Personality would have taken on, if it were in charge. The situation can be viewed as operating a doll factory, with only the outfits of clothes being produced. The doll, itself, is not present. The alters are the sets of clothes, but there is no doll inside any of them. Therefore, they cannot grow and change. They can only do what the ISH has programmed them to do.

There is no way that this condition can be called "Dissociative Identity Disorder." There is no Original Personality to have any disorder. The ISH is busy making alters to run the body. The Original Personality has been removed from executive control. There are multiple personalities alternating control of this body, awaiting the end to the abuse and the arrival of a therapist who can work with the ISH to bring the Original Personality back in charge. This is truly MPD.

OMG!

Azel is ISH. Azel is Essence. Azel is one half of my original personality.

It all makes sense. He said he created the system to protect Seed. He made everyone else, including me.

There are multiple personalities alternating control of this body, awaiting the end to the abuse and the arrival of a therapist who can work with the ISH to bring the Original Personality back in charge. This is truly MPD.

This is what he means. He says he wants to take everything down and grow Seed. Seed is Emotional Self. He said I have to grow Seed. That I have to heal and merge with all others and grow Seed so Seed can take over body.

Holy $#%^, the world makes sense again.

When I left here yesterday I was happy. The things Azel told me were making sense.

I knew that Azel and Seed were once one but split. Azel buried Seed. The things he said before made sense- I as Shell have to merge with all the other personalities then Azel will return us to Seed. Then Seed and Azel will come together to take over everything.

I was happy about this. Then last night before bed I was pretty tired. Bridget came out and I could hear her in my head. She wasn't happy. She is 12b- very angry. Turns out her name isn't Bridget. That was the name I assigned her because 12A was Amy and so since I didn't have a name for 12B I thought Bridget would work. 12B is Jackie. She made herself clear on that point.

She said a lot of things. While she was ranting and raving and threatening my body got very cold and kinda muscle tension/twitching all over.

She is against being an alter. She was very angry at me, threatened many things. Told me a lot of stuff that kinda makes sense now. Cursed Azel a lot. Threatened Seed. Told me that Alice has to stay in the well because Azel put her there for a reason. Said she was going to take down the rings, get Alice out of the well and end everything.

She told me things about the one on fire. Her name is Arabella.

My head was filled with flashes of abuse and trauma from being 12- the things Bridget went through.

She hates Amy and is upset that I had the nerve to call her Jackie's twin- that as soon as danger was near Amy left her there and sisters don't do that.

I don't know what to make of all of this.

She claims she is the one that cracked the other shells. She doesn't want the system taken down because she hates most of the others for leaving her there. She wants to kill Seed.

This doesn't make sense to me.

She said that Doc, the inner therapist, is a split from Azel and he created her to help Shell grow Seed and I am stupid for believing that Doc is a part of us.

She said a lot of stuff. I don't know what to do.

I think I would thank her for communicating so honestly. It is a humungous benefit for such communication to be happening. I know you're staying open to hearing her, awesome. I'd apologize to everyone for any slight they felt, such as using a wrong name. Apologies don't cost anything and, if they're real, most others (like people in the outside world) will get that and at least know you can apologize. It's a start if nothing else but sometimes it creates huge openings and shifts in relationships. You're probably going to need their cooperation or at least not their active opposition, they're part of the team, so I'd say you may be able to offer not going forward without talking to them, consulting with them, letting them tell you exactly what their concerns are. They are probably very valid concerns, attitudes that if they hadn't been put in place at some point in life might have put the body in danger. So even if the danger is no longer directly present, the concern merits attention.

Killing people or alters is not acceptable and you should feel free to say you appreciate her honesty but that's not going to happen. She can agree to negotiate and play safely, rage at your verbally but not act out. You'll try to help her find appropriate targets for the rage. Thank her for having the rage because it absolutely, completely, totally does mean something and it came from somewhere and it was originally legitimate. It's legitimate to be allowed to express rage if you have it -- but within the bounds of respect for others and yourself.

If she absolutely refuses and becomes dangerous, you will have no alternative but to lock her out for a period, however you can accomplish that. There was abuse of the body in the past and it is unreasonable now to generate that abuse from inside. But those who want to abuse the body in their own way of thinking are protecting it, or were originally when they started thinking the way they do now. Like every single one of us human beings or alters, we need to be able to look at our beliefs and consider whether they are effective or not, whether they still hold true or not. It's sad but humans get stuck in trauma and it's hard to think straight, to analyze your own thinking or automatic response.

Azel is very wise. Sphinx, I hope you're listening to this guy. I don't expect miracles but you know.

Hi ashesoflife, welcome. (: I'm new, too. I wanted to post because some of the things you said really struck me, but I haven't gotten to read it all (I'm ADD too, so sometimes, I just have to very slowly space out a lot of long text even when I'm interested in reading it or I'll zone out...)

Until a few months ago if you asked me about my childhood the only information I could really give you is stuff that happened at school. I thought it was normal to not have childhood memories and thought those that could say they remember being 4 years old were either weird or repeating stories they were told about their childhood.

This is me, exactly. My first session with my therapist was an intake, and he wanted a life history, but I couldn't give him one at all. He asked me about ages around four and I told him I didn't think anybody could remember that time. He seemed confused and said it was normal for people to have memories as young as four years old!

For me, I can't remember anything but memories from school, just like you, until alarmingly late in life. Not really until high school. Even middle school is a blur of just a very few memories that all take place at school.

Like you, I know some very vague facts about my life then, but I feel like I'm just rattling off information that could belong to anybody when I recite it.

Coincidentally (or... not?), I went through a really long period where I wouldn't sleep in a bed, either. I didn't really realize/recall that until I read you saying the same thing. I wonder why that is? I didn't sleep under my bed (there wasn't enough room), I slept beside it. Did we think we didn't "deserve" to sleep in a bed? Or maybe there's other implications with the association of beds to sexual abuse that I don't want to think about right now.

Either way, I can relate to a lot of what you've said (that I've read so far). Hopefully I'll be back later to digest more of it soon.

Johnny-Jack, a million thank yous. What seemed to set her off is the part I wrote about getting her to shut up. That really offended her. I have to make peace and will make a grand effort to do so.

Sylladex, I wish you luck on your journey.